To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Have I got this right
You have moved in already after a year.
His kids stay over and he spends time with them but with their nanny too? Bit too much too soon isn't it?

How long ago did his relationship with their mum end? How old is she, I'm assuming also younger if she has young kids.

You want kids but you both to pay someone else to look after them and frankly he will be too old by then anyway

Yeah I'd be troubled if you were my child too

Imagine his business goes bust, you can't afford to be part time or have a nanny
Or he has a stroke or heart attack or something debilitating and you are then caring for him, your kid(s) and step kids are on the scene
Or you are caring for him in 20 years and have teenagers
Think of worst case scenarios and then do you still want to marry him?

Change your job first before any other decisions about him OP. Even just step down to a lesser role if possible.

God there's some ageist posts on here. Not everyone gets dementia when they're older. Some older people who are in their 80s can have less health problems than someone in their 50s. None of us know what life has in store for us.

Are you in love with this man, @sarahsdilemma?
Because I had the opportunity to marry an extremely wealthy man who was 25 years older than me. He was kind, trustworthy, decent - and he loved me.
But I was not in love with him. And my conscience would not allow me to take advantage of such a decent person so I broke it off.
I ended up marrying someone I was very much in love with who cheated on me and had a child outside our marriage without my knowledge.
Sometimes you you can’t win for losing.

If I had it to do over, I still wouldn’t have married the wealthy older man - because using someone for their money is unkind. It’s what my mum said a “kept woman “ would do.

Marry this man for only one reason: because you’re in love with him and want to build a future together with him.

No no and no.
At the age of 50 I would have absolutely no attraction to a much older man. It makes me shudder. You will reach 50 in due course, and be stuck with one.
Moreover, if it all goes wrong and you divorce, you'd be vulnerable if you've given up your career.
When my ex H left suddenly after 14 years and 2 kids, I silently thanked my mum's insistence that I was properly educated as a child. This meant I could earn well in a profession. I'd stayed part time when married and slotted straight back into full time high earning work after the divorce went through. (Thanks mum ❤️)
Don't tie yourself to an old man because you hate your job!! On

My best friend from school was slightly younger than me, lets call her E. At 21 she started a relationship with a lovely guy (F) who was 49, divorced with kids the same age, if not older, than her. He was very young looking for his age and he was older than E's parents. He was well off but not rich and had a very good career although S/E.

I was dubious and assumed it would frizzle out, but it didn't, they genuinely worked and I decided that being happy was more important than meeting societal norms. They married and E had a very rough ride with the kids from his first marriage.

They had a daughter when E was 30 and F was 59, not planned but not an accident either. Lets call the daughter G. Sounds like similar age difference to the OP.

G had a wonderful childhood, E worked and F spent every school holiday with G as he was retired and despite being an older Dad, they had real quality time together than many children do not get to enjoy with their Dad. F stated he never had a chance to do this with his first family. It really worked and they were very happy.

Then F(78) started going down hill healthwise and needed more care than E(50) could give whilst working so left work to be his carer. They loved each other and they were both happy with this. I watched her nurse him, that is what it was, nursing him. She had no real social life and what she could do with him in tow was significantly limited. She spent 9 years like this before he unexpectedly passed at when she was 59. E had lost her friendship circle, all she had was her daughter and she was old before her time.

Now not many couples find that one ends up looking after the other as they got older, but this happened way too young to her and she missed many years of her relative youth due to his incapacity.

Did they have a good life together, yes, is she well provided for, yes. But she had nothing but her daughter and just short of 60 she should be spreading her wings and having a last adventure or two before its too late. But she aged too soon and doesn't feel able.

Age shouldn't be a barrier to love, if you are realistic. Many people do not find real love so grab it if its there but be realistic.

However I can't help thinking that his money shelters you from many of the harsh realities of normal relationships and maybe that is what you are attracted to, convenience not commitment.

How are posters normalising and validating her wanting to basically marry someone and have kids so that’s she financially secure? Blows my absolute mind.

Right- here is my situation.

I married a man 22 years older than me when I was 30. I married for love. We have been together now 23 years and I have been incredibly happy and I AM incredibly happy. As it happens he was a multi millionaire but for various strange reasons i did not actually know that for a very long time as he was and is quite down to earth and quite frugal- no flashy cars, no extravagance. Not cheap, but frugal. There is a difference. I have two houses in my sole name. We have another in joint names. We have 2 children. We have a fabulous marriage and he is my best friend. I woke up this morning thinking how lucky i am to be waking up with my love. We sleep holding hands all night, every night.

But, there are downsides. I have been absolutely shat on by his friends and others since we met about being a gold digger. I wasn't, and I am not. But its draining, even after 23 years and 2 kids and us being strong it is bloody annoying when we go places and people sneer about you your face. I've had 23 years of it and now I am post-menopausal I don't take any shit at all but it's got me down over the years and i would say eroded my self esteem. You say you love being with your guy, but you want to be with him BECAUSE of the material aspects, so the golddigger claims- well, they will certainly land in your conscience when they are lobbed at you, and that could be quite hard to deal with.

Secondly... there is a reality to aging. I. 53, DH is 75. He's a healthy and fit 75 but yes its starting to show and it meant that he didn;t have the energy for our DCs when they were young. It was left to me and that was exhausting. Now they are teens he is more in his element, but it's taken 16 years to get to that point.

He's also showing some mild cognitive decline. Not enough that I can't just push it aside in my head, which is what I tend to do. But it's there and his mother developed dementia round this age. It scares me and worries me. I love my DH and Iintend to be in our marriage forever, no matter what it brings. But i am now faced with the very real future that I will be his carer. I'm ready for that, and I have a clear-headed understanding that this is MY future. But THAT future is going to come much more quickly for YOU if he is really more than twice your age. I am ready to be a carer in my 60s. You'll be one in your early 40s if you are lucky. Are you ready for that?

In addition, DH is the same age as my mother and a year younger than my father. They are also aging and have serious health issues. For various reasons i won't have family support when that happens- my sister has serious caring duties already of her own. I have a 16 year old disabled child who may not ever live independently. I am facing a future where i am the carer for 4 other adults. I'm ready for it. But i'm not looking forward to it!

That's just my take on it. You are stressed, exhausted and feel financially strained right now. You think this is the answer to a prayer. But you have to be clear-headed about what it might really look like.

He has to be late 50/early 60s. The age difference might not seem to big to you now but in 10 years time you will be in a relationship with an elderly man. If you are happy with that then fine, but to think differently is foolish. Does he even want children?

I have a friend who has a 15 year age gap. At 30 and 45 it didn’t feel too big to her. At 45 and 60 it really does. She is at peace/happy with the choices she made but it has not been without problems.

@sarahsdilemma
Could you go into property? But something and do rental, flipping whatever. You need a change, he likes money ( and a younger woman).
If relationship ends you could have property in your name as equity.

Why did he split from first wife?

arent you concerned about not using your Brian's and qualifications? you worked really hard to get a law degree and a job in law, are you relaly going to be satisfied an fulfilled long term by being in a transactional relationship? I wouldn't be, im with your mum. Its essentially a form of prostitution really when you boil it down and I think that is really sad, especially for a clever woman. Can't you switch in house or something? The access to his credit card is a red flag for me, relaly does smack of prostitution and forbids finacial control I think, not an equal relationship. Even when couples agree for the woman to be a SAHM, it doesn't start in this way and I would fear that he would lose respect for you and you would resent him as he ages.

I do think that your ages are important here. 24 and 48 for example feels like maybe less of an issue than 33 and 66 because it’s obviously less actual difference in age. Though if I’m honest the power imbalance still bothers me.

if he’s very wealthy then you would be able to pay for care for him when he’s elderly so being his carer isn’t such an issue. But do you want to tie yourself to someone so much older? I get the easy life sounds appealing but will you grow to resent him as he ages and slows down while you’re still relatively young and active? Only time will tell I guess.

I don't understand what your hesitation is about... The way you describe him is very loving and he can offer you a life that appeals to you. Do you have any kind of relationship with his ex-wife or any of his wider family? It would be good to get a sense of what he's like in the trenches of babies or when there's disagreement in the relationship.

Id be really nervous about giving up my financial independence but it sounds like that doesn't bother you as much. I would suggest you get your own legal advice on ownership of any assets to make sure you are as secure as he is implying but I'm sure that won't be a problem for you!

There's a massive difference between a 22 year old and a 45 year old, and a 35 year old and a 72 year old.
If your bf is 45, he has 25+ years of good quality years ahead of him before he'll need any kind of care.
If he is 45 or thereabouts and you love him, and you are both ensuring that you'll be protected financially, then go for it!
If he's in his 70's, how do you see this progressing?
So, what age are you both?

Please don’t throw away your career and independence. Also, from what I can see there can be a real change in people’s health between the early 50s and 60s. Can you face caring for someone, do you have that in you? Even if it is not ‘care’, your life may be limited by his health. You are not giving the ages but it sounds like one hell of an age gap.

I would be devastated if my daughter did this. I am 55 and can’t imagine going out with somebody who was say 25. I actually can’t stand age-gap relationships and think that they are always wrong, esp when it’s the woman who is younger.

Every year you spend with this man, you are losing time to find somebody more your own age. I feel like between your working hours and this relationship, you’re missing out on some really good years.

i had a great aunt who lived to 99 - no dementia.
My Nana. 94, no dementia.
Other great aunties, 95, 97 97 - no dementia.
My mum, 96, no dementia.
My auntie still kicking - no dementia.

My worry would be this- he's already gone younger and made small children with a different younger woman (she must be younger) who are now outsourced to a nanny.

What is going to be different about your relationship? Why is he continually looking for younger women to play the Daddy role and to have children with when he's a bit too old for that himself?

Why doesn't he want a similarly aged woman, with grown children, who he can travel the world with?

I think you have to be very realistic about why he likes this particular set-up.

If you are, and you don't mind that he loves younger women and throwing money at the lifestyle aspect of it (nannies, holidays), then it could be ok.

It sounds like you are unsure though, and I'm guessing you won't get keener as the years roll on.

I don't quite get why you don't want to change careers or have a career with less money or see this is as some type of terrible life you couldn't possibly tolerate. The rest of us do! Most people will not want someone twice their age, even with the money.

I think you are wowed by the money but not deeply in love with him, I don't feel strongly either way myself, but I think you should invest in some counselling or therapy and try and work out why you have backed yourself into this particular corner and what, if you had more options, you might want to do.

They’re normalising her marrying someone she’s in love with if you read all her posts.

@CamelsForChristmas You sound amazing. I’m pleased you found love. It makes the difference.

Just marry the rich guy you love ! You could fall in love with someone your “own age” but they could end up cheating on you, on being a creep down the line.

idk, nobody will be perfect, if age is the only factor I’d carry on. Everything comes at a price , and in this case you’ll be well cared for and your kids, but your partner will just be older . Hardly a big deal at all IMO.

I'm a solicitor in the City too, I understand the pressure. But 1) there really are roles out there with better hours and 2) you sound like you are your own worst enemy.

You basically want the money WITHOUT doing the work.

The problem with that is that there isn't much to respect about it. And respect counts for a lot in a relationship. You are setting yourself up for a very dull, and painful middle age.

Lazy and short sighted.

What about going in-house in law? There is a pay cut but the work life balance is generally much much better - that way you can have a more relaxed work life balance and allow the romance to progress naturally without giving up your ability to be financially independent. Then revisit if babies come on the scene

Your family clearly has very very lucky genes. You do know that they’re the exception and not the rule though don’t you. Most people don’t live healthy cognitively sharp lives into their 90s.

health post 50 is a bit of a lottery. Some are lucky, some are not and you often have no idea how your luck will go until you get there.

I’d say don’t do it.
My DH is only 7 years older than me, we’ve been together 30yrs but he has aged much more than me - I think men do age quicker. Hes got a grumpy old man persona already at not yet 60! Several chronic health issues. I wouldn’t consider a big age gap - you’ll end up being a carer well before your time.

The other thing I would consider is an older father is more likely to produce ND children. Could you and he cope with kids with significant extra needs.
I’d look to make your job more manageable somehow if i was you.

Depending on how old your partner is it may be wise to consider that genetic mutations in sperm increase when over 40 and even more so over 50.

This should be your only focus!!

You’re contemplating a life you may not even enjoy because you hate your job so much.

What happens if you move to the next step with this man and then he dumps you?
You’re going to be in the exact same situation (or worse) as you are now.

Focus on your career change (ask ChatGPT even) and then after 6-12months of being in that career, then revisit this question.