To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

How long have you been together? Would you marry him if he earned similar to you?

If yes, go ahead.
If not, don’t do it. It will be a long, hard and miserable road.

Please have some self respect and don’t avail yourself of his credit card. You are not his (insert unpleasant word denoting a woman who a man pays for favours.)

If you have a good relationship with your mother and respect her, and think she has made good choices in her life, then listen to her. Her interest is to have you secure and happy, so it is meaningful that she doesn’t think that this man, even with his maturity and financial strength, will offer this to you.

Have read all of the OP's posts.

This man is twice your age and has children still of the age to require a nanny?

OMG - what happened to the previous partner.

How many partners has he cycled through and what is his relationship with them now?

Wow this has blow up.

to answer some common questions - FUTURE CHILDREN

We have discussed having children together and he’s very open to it. He’s said that if we were to have children, he would want us to be married, and there would be some form of financial security in place for me. He’s flexible on what that looks like, for example, more properties in my name that I could rent out and manage myself if I liked managing the “engagement present” property, or alternatively a lump sum if I decided I really didn’t want to work at all.

In terms of day-to-day life, the expectation would be that I’d be the primary carer and he would continue working. I wouldn’t want a situation where I’m completely hands-off, but equally I would want some help (housekeeper/nanny support), which he completely agrees with.

Regarding his current children, he is involved in their lives and provides for them very well, but their mum is the primary parent. They spend time with him regularly (weekends, holidays etc.), but they don’t tend to travel abroad or spend more than a few days without their mum. Him and his ex have a polite relationship, I’ve met her (my guess is she wanted to meet me because their kids will be around me overnight at times?). Financially he seems to support them well, based on need rather than because courts said to give her X, Y and Z.

We have also briefly discussed his will. As things stand, he intends to leave the majority of his wealth to his children, which I do understand. He has said that any future children would be included equally. For me, it’s more about having security (e.g. living in a property that’s in my name rather than one I might be kicked out of, few years’ worth of expenses for me and children in savings), rather than expecting to inherit large sums. He understands this would need to be in place before we start trying for a child, even if he is in good health, for my own peace of mind. (Otherwise I’d keep working rather than have children)

This may be of no use at all but I had the opposite dilemma. I fell in love with an older guy who had no prospects, I didn’t want children and I knew we would be a single income home for ever with all the pressure on me which would come from that. You can imagine the views I got from others. But I adored him, I knew he would support me in every way except financially (because he couldn’t), and I just knew it was right for both of us. We started a very traditional relationship, just the opposite way round; he did all the home stuff and I went out to work.

Your description of how this guy makes you feel made me smile because that’s exactly how I felt. 35 years later I still feel that way. My heart skips when I see him. We had clear early conversations about how we could make our relationship work and it’s worked beautifully. Everyone’s normal is different. If you look at this guy and he makes your heart smile, he’s a keeper. As long as you can cope with whatever the practicalities turn out to be. ❤️

How old are you both? It makes a difference to all sorts of things.

In principle, if everything you have said is true, you’re not unreasonable for considering marrying the man you love…

I feel for you. I'm currently in a hotel between hospital appointments that were so close together it was pointless going home. Ricocheting between one medical appointment and another (75%his, 25% mine) has been the reality of a woman in her late 60s living with a man in his early 70s incessantly for the last 3 years.

Like you, I know people will say this isn't inevitable and while it's not inevitable experience in our family and friends is that it's absolutely normal. My BiL now has Parkinsons, what a nightmare for my poor SiL.

Listen to your mum, most of the times they know what’s best for you..

Don’t do it. I was in a relationship with some one over 30 years older than me. It ended years ago but I still have to visit him in his nursing home. His age wasn’t the biggest issue, and in some ways he was good for me. But I am thankful I never married him.

You still haven't mentioned your ages but regardless you're going to marry him anyway. All your posts are about why you should definitely do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Having read your update, there's no way i would consider having children with this man. I'd be running for the hills.

I find this thread really depressing. You’ve worked really hard to get where you are now and you’d throw it all away for a Sugar Daddy. I’d be so disappointed if I were your mother.

Blimey. Yours might. If so you’re lucky.

I would really query the fact he is twice your age. Does it mean he is 50 or 60? I am in my mid-40s and even now would be put off by someone older than 60. It's just such a different life stage.

I do have friends who are relationships with people 20 years older than them. It was perhaps fine when we were in our 20s but by now it's just such a huge gap. We still have kids in primary while their Dhs are properly old now, have lots of health issues and are at a different life stages from the rest of us.

From everything you have said, I definitely would.

People saying you’ll be wiping his ass in a decade are being ridiculous unless you’re currently 45 and he’s 90. My parents are currently on holiday with all their lifelong friends - all in their early 80s and having the time of their lives.

I’d go for it.

You don’t love him. You love his money and the lifestyle that he can give you. Don’t pretend otherwise.

How can an educated, self-sufficient woman be this naive and stupid? To just throw away your independence. So depressing.

You clearly don’t love him else you wouldn’t be asking all this. He’s your sugar daddy. Surely as an independent woman, you can do better?

So he will pay you to marry him, he will have more children that he won’t raise while he has existing children he chooses not to raise and rarely sees.

He sounds like a really crap dad who wants another member of staff.

I mean the property in your name doesn’t mean much because as soon as you’re married it becomes marital property again. But go for it, I would. If he will legally marry you, with or without a fair prenup agreement (which he will want) you get a property and to raise kids and be happy then why not. So long as you like and are attracted to him.

The only thing I’d be sad for is the kids who will lose their dad young.

CHANGE CAREERS?

I have thought about changing careers, but the honest question is: to what?

All my training and qualifications are in law, and while I’m still relatively early in my career, I’ve already invested a lot into this path. If I were to switch into something “more enjoyable”, it would very likely come with a significant drop in income, and I don’t particularly want to live a life where I’m constantly worried about money or budgeting month to month.

Part of the reason I chose law was because it’s seen as a more secure and well-paid career. But even although it pays well on paper, even in let’s say 10-20 years, it still comes with long hours, high pressure, and a lifestyle where you’re not exactly financially carefree.

I think that’s how she feels!

I'm reading it as more like she's about 25 and he's about 50. So younger than Liam Gallagher, rather than a wrinkky old man that we're perhaps imagining ! If someone is described as twice your age right now, they will never be twice your age ever again. If I'm right we're talking about a 40 yo woman with a 65 yr old man in the future. (I think that's the current age of Ricky Gervais - so imagine a 40 yr old woman with him, its not bum wiping territory.) I think its very doable and the op could have a much nicer journey through life than most of the rest of us! I can understand why she's considering it, especially if she enjoys his company. Plus I imagine he'll pay for personal care in his dotage!! 😂

What age are you now OP?

In my experience, all men are a disappointment, so you might as well be crying in a Ferrari than a Ford Focus.

A 50-year old man would have seemed positively ancient when I was 25. I'm afraid I couldn't have contemplated a man that age for any amount of money.

I think you sound so stressed that you are looking for a way out in quite a drastic way. I think if you could speak to someone who knows your field and can guide you to a better fitting job you can stay with him as long as you like and take your own time living the life that suits the real you, without panicking.

It could be out of the frying pan into the fire. Or not. But either way, you’ll regret not giving yourself time and space to think about it properly.