AIBU to expect rent from my 20-year-old daughter living at home?

[changednameagain1234]

Morning all,

My dd20 lives at home.

She often stays over at boyfriend’s house. She could be there 3 days and nights, then home from a day then back again. She also could be home for 5 days and go there at the weekend. Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

She now has a job in same town as boyfriend, so it feels like home every other night (works part time, hours change weekly).

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she.

I do understand her 20 year old view on this, but at the end of the day she does no housework apart from will clean bathroom about once a week if lucky. Doesn’t help with cooking or do her own laundry, put her dishes in dishwasher, you get the picture.

She does however take 1 hour showers or run a huge deep bath.

What is fair here? What would you do?

Thanks

How can anyone possibly shower for an hour? I never asked for rent from my daughter when she’s been living at home, but when her and her husband were living with us a couple of years ago, they bought all their own food. Other than food, I always felt the extra cost of them living here was negligible.

living here

Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

How much extra on top of yourselves is she actually costing you? If she’s hardly there it can’t be a lot? If she’s hardly there and doesn’t eat meals with you then I think a token amount would be better than a large percentage. However you say you’re struggling financially so I think you need to focus more on how you can change that rather than look at the easy option of getting money from your DD because what about when she moves out fully? You’ll still be struggling

Agree. There will be a few cases where parents take advantage but thats not the norm.
When I got a payrise for a new job in my early 20s I had to insist on giving my mum more money. I never saved, just out with my friends and had online clothes orders coming every other day!
My mum was fortunate not to need my keep and I didn't care what she spent it on, it was the principle that mattered.

Thank you all for your opinions, i really do appreciate them.

I just wish I could have a conversation with her and the outcome is everyone is happy, she understands we are not being greedy, but it’s fair.

As pp’s have suggested, I will use the terminology that it is contributing to household bills and not mention rent.

So on part time wage, are we thinking 20% of that? Or a flat out £50 a week?

She works 20-26 hours a week on average

Also, any pointers at her seeing our point of view would be appreciated

focusing on contributing to household bills sounds a good way forward

She won't, OP, I'm afraid. I think the only way for this is to say, 'I need a contribution towards household bills of £50 a week if you want to continue living here as an adult. If you prefer to move out entirely that's obviously up to you'.

And just stick to it. If she won't cough up the money then she moves out. Point out to her that she doesn't get to decide what she will and won't do in someone else's home and that a landlord won't care if she's only working part time - he will still expect his rent to be paid.

She doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t pay for driving lessons, had a car bought for her and only works p/t

I can see why she is so entitled. She’s been spoilt for far too long. If you need to charge her rent then do so, if she doesn’t want to pay it she will have to move out

I can't imagine charging a child of mine who is that young to live in my house. Thankfully we can afford it. But my young adult children are not that lazy and selfish. Unless there are additional needs, if a 20 year old is not in full time education they should be working full time, or at the very least working towards that. (I know jobs aren't always that easy to find.) In your situation I think your daughter needs a dose of reality. Talk to her about how much it would cost her if she wasn't living at home and that running a household does cost money.

I don't understand why other posters are so insistent that she should do her own laundry though. It's just as easy to do everyone's clothes as just your own. Assuming she knows how to do her laundry, I'm not sure forcing her to do hers by itself while you are doing the rest of the family's is teaching her anything, and it's certainly not efficient.

A fixed amount, not a percentage. £50 seems fair to me.

You won’t come up with an option where she is happy and that’s totally ok.

At a minimum she should be doing chores and paying 50 pounds.

If she doesn’t like it she can move out.

@x2boys: What has this got to do with the Op ,s situation?

Try reading my post again a little more carefully. Just a perspective from the other side to show that my parents misused the money I gave them. Because I could not have contributed much on a student grant they weaponised it to stand in my way when I wanted to take professional exams. It took me three years to qualify and I was skint for all that time. I never forgot it.

Yes she should be paying rent/board. Obviously the amount she pays should take into account the amount of time that she is actually there, but it will work out to more than nothing!

Is she still in education? If not, there is no excuse for not finding full-time work. She may have to combine two jobs, but she needs to work full-time and be self sufficient.

Yes she should pay rent as a percentage of her income. you should also give her a deadline when she has to start paying based off full-time on minimum wage.

You don’t need to get her to see your point of view. This isn’t you trying to reason with a toddler to eat their vegetables. Put your foot down and tell her rent starts next month. How entitled of her to think she can even say no to you, you’re the adults and the parents and it’s your house, you set the rules.

Stop doing her washing, start charging her rent. She’s never going to learn the value of the money she earns and how to save and budget if she’s allowed to just spend every penny she earns on whatever without thinking about bills etc.

If she doesn’t like it tell her to move out. She’ll soon get a shock paying full rent and bills elsewhere.

Show her how much your home costs to run - mortgage/rent, council tax, utility bills, insurance, etc. Does she buy her own food, toiletries? Either she does her own laundry or she does the household laundry one day a week. She should also be doing other housework because she's an adult and contributing to the mess, dirt etc.Not working or studying full-time is a luxury that she can't really afford.

In which case, you can start your own thread or add to the 'stately homes' one.

Nothing that happened to you has anything to do with the OP and her daughter.

Thing is if she is only really having a shower or bath at yours and the odd bit of washing she isn’t actually costing you a lot is she …. You struggling financially isn’t as a result of the odd shower so I can see why to your daughter it would seem like you are being a tad greedy here. That being said she does sound like a lazy entitled mare and needs to do her own washing and ironing and cleaning when she’s home

You don't give her an option first of, then she can't say no. You tell her how much and if she doesn't like it she has how options, pay or leave. I have a son who will be 20 in December, he doesn't argue about paying rent and I don't ask for much just towards the shopping bc he is 6"4 & seems like he is always eating.

I didnt go to uni either and worked from 18.

I never paid rent and it was never asked for. However;

• I worked full time
• I blew all my wages for the first 18 months of working life, then settled down with saving a deposit
• I also did some household jobs and tasks
• my mum wasnt allowed to touch my clothes for laundry 😂
• i would pay at the till randomly when we did they grocery shopping

It is those types of situations where parents dont charge rent.

In your case, you need to charge it, because she needs at least one foot in the real world at age 20.

Why do people feel the need to make pretty irrelevant posts about themselves that bear no relation to the original post?

I'd hazard a guess that if you push her for rent, she'll move into her BF's parents for free.

I doubt she really raises your bills by much. I'd stop paying any of her personal bills (phone, toiletries, hobbies etc) and expect her to buy and cook her own food.

My neice finished uni and returned home on the basis that she needed a few months to sort herself out, get a job etc. That was several months ago and she was getting a bit too comfortable and thought she could just bumble along doing part time work, go partying while and paying no rent/bills. My sister then demanded rent and all hell broke loose. She finally relented as her 'not fair' arguments simply did not carry weight. She ended up getting a full time job and eventually moved out into a flatshare where she is now living the typical 20 something experience living on a budget.

You have no idea how much she raises the Ops bills
Nor do you know wether she will move into the boyfriends house ,they might charge her more thsn the Op.

I understand you need the money, but you can’t charge her more than she costs and profit out of her.

so work out her share, ie what she costs and ask for this. But if she moves out you need to work out a way to financially survive.