AIBU to expect rent from my 20-year-old daughter living at home?

[changednameagain1234]

Morning all,

My dd20 lives at home.

She often stays over at boyfriend’s house. She could be there 3 days and nights, then home from a day then back again. She also could be home for 5 days and go there at the weekend. Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

She now has a job in same town as boyfriend, so it feels like home every other night (works part time, hours change weekly).

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she.

I do understand her 20 year old view on this, but at the end of the day she does no housework apart from will clean bathroom about once a week if lucky. Doesn’t help with cooking or do her own laundry, put her dishes in dishwasher, you get the picture.

She does however take 1 hour showers or run a huge deep bath.

What is fair here? What would you do?

Thanks

I would think the same, except that the op says they are struggling financially. Where I live (not in the uk) charging rent is never the way, for any parents that can afford it..

But if your parents are struggling and you are a working adults living with them? Then you contribute to the family and help out as you can.

Rent ,board ,a finacial contribution ,does it really matter ?

As an earning adult she absolutely needs to contribute. That shouldn’t even be up for discussion!

The discussion should be around the amount - show her the bills, be transparent, and ask her what she thinks a fair contribution would be

My dd has being paying since the September she was after 18 (now 20). She is doing a degree apprenticeship so a combination of earning and learning, but she’s paid very well

Our deal was that she could pay a low amount of £200 month, as long as she saves minimum £1000 month

We don’t actually need it, and it’s all going into savings for her - but she doesn’t know that and we feel it is important for her to learn that adults have to pay their way when possible

There are 2 things here; a financial contribution for living at home now she’s an independent adult and a contribution to keeping the home running/ sharing chores. Laundry doesn’t fall into either of these as it’s each person’s responsibility to wash their own clothes - just stop doing it, you’ll be amazed how quickly she steps up.

Her response to you was very rude. I would have asked her what she meant by ‘no’. It needs to be clear it isn’t an option it’s a let’s agree a figure. If she doesn’t want to contribute financially then I’d suggest to her that she moves into her boyfriend’s / gets something else. Does she buy any food? She needs to contribute to that too.

You need to frame it as if there’s no other option. It sounds as though she’s very entitled?

My son is 19 and we don't charge him anything. He earns about £700 a month and he's in uni.

If he was not studying... I'm not sure. If he was actively saving, I don't think I'd ask for any money. If he was pissing it all up the wall, I'd probably ask for some and then put it aside.

How has your financial situation changed since she was 17/18? Are you struggling more because she is an adult, or just through general COL?

I guess my son costs us no more at 19 than he does at 17 (if anything, less, as he buys a lot of his own meals now). So I wouldn't charge him anything for that reason.

Yes but the Op is srrughling and may well have lost child benefit and universal credit payments for her daughter

I think the issue here comes down to you are struggling financially. I’m guessing now she is no longer in education then child benefits, tax credits have stopped. If you can’t afford to have her living there rent free then she needs to contribute. I think wording here is very important. She may have taken umbridge at paying rent but may be more amenable to making a household contribute. I know it’s daft but words matter to some. Ultimately you’re going to have to sit her down and explain that now she is no longer in education you are not getting the extra benefit income that you were and you cannot afford for her to be living there and not contributing. Then she had 2 choices, step up and contribute or move out. I’m guessing she will never afford to live on her own on what she’s earning and if she moves in with BF his mum will have to start charging them.

Does she have any debts ? Worth checking.

I just can't fathom this, really. Our children were not asked to be brought into the world. Surely we cannot expect them to subsidise our living costs at 18, else we throw them out to fend for themselves?

This is an alien way of looking at parenting responsibility to me.

I cant fathom how you dont inderstsnd other people have different lives?
The Op daughter 20 not 18 and is an adult and working are you really so privilaged not to reslise thst some people cannot afford ro subsidise working 20 year olds?
Should the op just get deeper an debt whilst her dsughter swans around contributing nothing?
If the Op was receieving child benefit/ universal credit for her dsughter thsy could potentilly have been several hundred pounds a month she has lost
Paying board is not a new thing.

Fair enough, perhaps it is privilege speaking. Apologies to the OP.

It absolutely is not parents' 'responsibility' to fund an adult's life. It is this kind of appalling parenting that is driving the equally appalling attitude that some young people have when entering the workforce, (i.e as entitled spoilt brats).

Whilst I understand the cost of living is scary and I believe adults in receipt of income should help in the family home, what is it, in relation to family income, you need her to pay you. Do you and your partner work full time ? How many people live in the house. Did you lose any benefits, apart from child benefit when she left full time education? What I really don’t understand is why she is only working part time.

Or another to look at it is to teach our children to be able to look after themselves so they can become fully functioning adults.

financial responsibility is a large part of this and making young adults partially pay their way is good parenting in my book.

i have two friends who got into serious debt in their early 30’s due to being irresponsible with their money - both had fathers who bailed them out each time they got in debt in their early years of being an adult.
If you don’t need the money then maybe invest the rent for them to use for deposit for a house. But many families can’t afford to just ‘keep’ adult children.

I 100% agree. It's why we've had big conversations about course selection, graduate prospects, prospective earnings with ours. We also discussed different models of money management.

I have three teens, and the two old enough have earned money PT as soon as they were legally allowed. They have a strong drive to earn and manage their own money. The 19yr old has several thousand pounds saved up already.

I don't understand (and acknowledge, perhaps from a place of privilege) what the plan is if you're reliant on CB and other state benefits which end when your child turns 18. Was the plan always to throw them out, or ask them for money? What if the child wanted to study at university, and wasn't able to earn enough to live by themselves? Is that option closed off to them?

Yes but realistically if the OP is now worse off financially due to the loss of benefits her daughter will have to contribute or move out, so that her parents can let her room and / or lose the cost of having her there. She's an adult who needs to pay a share, not someone subsidising her parents' lifestyle.

My sister and her husband divorced a couple of years before their eldest son started university
So my sisters income wss greatly reduced
My nephews student loans was based on my sisters income alone and he got the full amount of loan my sister and her ex each sent £10, £20 as and when they could afford it
The Op isnt planning on throwing her dsughter out shes asking for a fair contribution
If her dsughter chooses not to contribute she free to leave home thats her choice as an adult.

I have a 20 yo living at home, who works full time. We charge £200 a month board and lodge.

He is very welcome to move out if he can rent a flat, pay his bills and feed himself for £50 a week somewhere else. It's £7 a day.

You need to tell her you arent asking her permission, she either contributes or she lives elsewhere.

Explain you are not financially able to support another adult, as much as you would like to, so she either pitches in or she sees where else she can live that's cheaper.

This has been an eye-opener! Maybe I should start charging him rent!

Hope it all gets sorted amicably, OP.

I charged DS £200 a month when he was here for a year after uni - to cover his food and use of power. If she’s not there half the week you could adjust it (although given inflation it could easily now be £200 for the time she’s there as she’s hammering the hot water).

Stop doing her laundry. Just don’t do it.

@changednameagain1234, she's taking the piss.

£50 a week in rent. Regardless of how much time she spends there. If she was actually renting the landlord wouldn't give her a discount if she was staying somwhere else.
No more doing her washing. She's an adult and needs to learn to look after herself.
She buys her own food for meals she cooks for herself. If she wants to join in and eat with the family she can do this for free.
Rent should not vary depending on how many days she works. If she wants more disposalble income she can work more days/hours or get a second job.

She's living the life of Riley and is detached from reality and the day to day costs of life. If she chooses to move out she's free to do so, she will however need to update the insurance company as to her address.

As soon as I reached 16 and got a full time job my parents treated me like an ATM although they were not invented then. There was never any question of my not tipping up for "my keep" as they called it. I have to say that I resented every penny of it because it seemed to go straight onto my younger sister's back to keep her in nice new school uniforms. Whereas mine had come from the second hand market and never looked tidy. After I left my first job (civil service) and went into local government I was paid by bank transfer. So my parents had no idea how much I earned. I never told them I got an extra 25% for unsocial hours (two late shifts and every alternate saturday). All my correspondance was sent to an accommodation address which I took out in the local shop. I also did my own washing and ironing (my choice) and washed up most evenings. No dishwashers back then.

The problem was that my parents came to rely upon my salary. So that when I wanted to qualify in my profession (which would have meant full time colleage for two years) the answer was NO. I eventually completed my studies by part time work. As soon as I was promoted to professional grade I left home, never to return. By then my sister had given birth to an unplanned child so they had to find a way to manage without my salary.

As ye sow so shall ye reap.

What has this got to do with the Op ,s situation? ,most people incuding me paid keep to our parents and have good reltionships with them

OP-your daughter sounds
selfish , inconsiderate and sounds spoilt. stick to your guns and insist on a fair amount