AIBU to expect rent from my 20-year-old daughter living at home?

[changednameagain1234]

Morning all,

My dd20 lives at home.

She often stays over at boyfriend’s house. She could be there 3 days and nights, then home from a day then back again. She also could be home for 5 days and go there at the weekend. Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

She now has a job in same town as boyfriend, so it feels like home every other night (works part time, hours change weekly).

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she.

I do understand her 20 year old view on this, but at the end of the day she does no housework apart from will clean bathroom about once a week if lucky. Doesn’t help with cooking or do her own laundry, put her dishes in dishwasher, you get the picture.

She does however take 1 hour showers or run a huge deep bath.

What is fair here? What would you do?

Thanks

Stop doing her laundry. Tell her to put her dirty dishes in dishwasher or wash them by hand. Maximum showers 10 mins. Are you on a water meter? If not it doesn't matter because you pay same water bill regardless of usage. If she's still in education I'd not charge board but if she's left education and chooses to just work part time instead of full time I'd charge her £250 board per month. If she flat out refuses then I'd tell her she needs to move out in next 2 months. It's tough love. She has to learn laundry doesn't wash itself and food, water and electricity has to be paid for.

What do you mean 'it was a flat out no'? She's living in your house, using your utilities, eating your food, creating work for you with cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Whether to pay is not the choice for her to make. Her only choice is to pay or move out. It's that simple.

Why isn't she working properly? How has she become so entitled? You need to get a grip of her very very quickly because she's going to take a major fall when reality hits if she thinks she can swan through life with everyone around her supporting her.

At 20, if not in full time education then absolutely no excuse for not working full time.

Yes, I would be charging rent. Obviously not as much as privately renting but a contribution towards food / household bills is very fair.

How is she ever going to stand on her own two feet if she’s not taking responsibility for herself at 20 years old. She’s an adult and needs to act like one. If she doesn’t like it she can move out and rent her own place.

I wouldn’t charge rent but in the circumstances you describe I’d be sure she bought her own food, did her own laundry and paid for all her expenses like phone, driving lessons and so on.

She doesn’t pay for her driving lessons, again grandparents do.

The only thing she has to pay is insurance and it’s only £24 a month at the moment as learner driver.

We even paid her phone up until November last year.

Obviously she doesn’t want to pay rent. Nobody wants to pay rent unless they have to.

teens are very good at convincing their parents they are right

I actually completely understand not charging her rent because she's starting out. But the flat no when you approached it would indicate to me that you need to start charging whether or not you need it! But you do need it!

Regarding food, she rarely eats with us.

I cook a typical family meal every night (lasagna, toad in hole, shepherd’s pie etc). There are 5 of us altogether so it’s more economical.

She doesn’t like these sort of dinners so will eat with boyfriend, or make pasta or have eggs or cereal

That's big of her...

If you need the money then she should pay. I don't charge my kids for living at home because I would be paying out the same bills ( apart from electricity) whether they lived here or not. It's completely up to you. If you need the money then she needs to pay up.
My dd's bf has to pay his mum £500 a month as does his brother which I find quite shocking and he resents paying but if he doesn't he has no home.

My DD is also 20 and works full time. When she started work she asked me how much she should contribute - we don't call it rent, she's an adult living in the house so she pays towards the running of said house. We decided 10% of the costs was fair in proposition to her earnings/savings. So she pays £300/month which is not a huge amount and means she has loads left.

My eldest is home after uni. I was very clear with him that when he finished uni, which would coincide with his younger brother going to uni and therefore any financial assistance I had been getting would stop, he had a choice whether to move back home or not. If he moved home he would have to pay rent, if he didn't I would have to get a lodger in to pay rent and he would not have his own room anymore, him and his brother would share when they were wanting to stay at home.

Tell your daughter that your finances mean she has to contribute, or move out so you can get someone else in who will.

She sounds very dependent on the adults in her life to fund her and is going to be in for a shock when she realises she can't just use her money for fun (which is what I assume she does with the money from her part time job).
It sounds like grandparents contribute a lot and she doesn't realise the value of money.
I wonder how her boyfriends parents feel about her being round there all the time? If she is round there so much maybe she should be contributing to their food and household bills.

My ds and step DS both paid rent past age 18, we kept it to 25% of what they were earning /receiving in benefits. If she doesn't like the idea then she needs to move out permanently, that's it.

Let me guess she eats at boyfriend's house and his mum buys the food?

I was discussing this with a friend the other day.

Both her adult DS have GFs and sat there or they stay at hers.

She charges a flat rent so their room. So they contribute between the cost of her having a 1 bed to a 3 bed as she keeps that house for them to have a room each.

She then charges X amount per night they are there an X amount per night they have their GFs over. (which is the amount plus a little extra).

This works well for them and means that they are paying for utilities and food when they are there and not if they aren’t.

I thought it was a great way of teaching them about bills in general

16 hours a week would be ?about £750 a month
£250 per month rent with her paying no other bills sounds fair, maybe £200 if she is buying all her own food. Can you tell her it will be starting 1st June, time to prepare. She still shouldn't be taking hour long showers.

Without a car can she increase her hours?
Would setting rent push her to move into boyfriend's house?
I think you have to weigh all up what is fair, and it sounds like contributing to household would be and you wouldn't be uncommon in doing this.

This.

The cheeky madam doesn’t get a choice. You tell her how much she is going to pay you. Otherwise she might find the water suddenly goes off in the shower, her laundry doesn’t get washed, dinner is for 2 instead of 3 etc.

Why can't she work full time until she has her licence?

The "flat out "no"" suggests you 'asked' for a contribution. Phrase it as a non-negotiable; "From 1 May you need to contribute £250 per month. Set up a direct debit for convenience".

She’s right in one way as it massively depends on circumstance. I wouldn’t charge a 20 year old who was still studying at university for example but the rule I go by is ‘Once you have finished full time education you start working then you pay rent.’

Tell her it’s £50 a week starting from Monday 1st June.

It’s completely bloody irrelevant if she stays at her boyfriends. When I met a boyfriend and stayed at his house, I still pay the rent and mortgage.

She needs to wise up. My 12 year knows after education and you start working, you pay rent.

When I finished uni my parents said I had to start paying rent if I wanted to stay at home. They didn’t really need the money but it was the principle - that if I was a working adult I needed to contribute. I went flatting with friends instead!

However I want to emphasize to the OP that this didn’t damage my relationship with them. I understood their reasoning and plan to do the same with my kids. I knew I could always go home for a nice cooked meal and they would be there for me if I got in trouble.

I think you need to give your daughter a bit of a push.

one other option especially while she’s only working part time would be to work out a deal where she gives you some cash but also takes on other responsibilities (eg cleaning, house maintenance, grocery shopping etc).

good luck!

It doesn't sound like she is adding much to household costs but it wouldn't be unreasonable to charge her something towards food and bills in line with the extra it costs you for her being there (rather than calling it 'rent'). She is earning and is an adult.

In terms of her not doing more around the house - that was kind of on you to teach her that during her teens. My son is at uni and is now used to doing his own washing (even if he leaves it until he is running out of clothes). When he is home, he will put a load on - although I do remind him and I do more than he does. He has been putting his clothes in the laundry box and putting the clean ones away for years (since about 13). Maybe start there. He also cleans his own room (I will occasionally run the hoover round if doing upstairs).

Will be interesting to see how she affords to pay her car insurance when she passes - bank of grandparents by any chance - or this magical full time job she's going to walk into !

Did you call it rent or living costs @changednameagain1234 ?
Tell her straight that bills are split between adults.
She either gives up her room where she can keep her dirty laundry or moves out and you can make other decisions.
You are not doing her any favours.
Maybe her boyfriends family are swimming in cash. She doesn't get to compare.

I have a 24 year old DS living partially at home and partially at his girlfriends. He works full time and earns quite well. We dont charge him because we are financially well off. If we needed the money I probably would. He is saving for a deposit on a house, so I see not charging him as enabling him to buy a house sooner.