AIBU to expect rent from my 20-year-old daughter living at home?

[changednameagain1234]

Morning all,

My dd20 lives at home.

She often stays over at boyfriend’s house. She could be there 3 days and nights, then home from a day then back again. She also could be home for 5 days and go there at the weekend. Sometimes I feel she is never here, then other times she is here for a week.

She now has a job in same town as boyfriend, so it feels like home every other night (works part time, hours change weekly).

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she.

I do understand her 20 year old view on this, but at the end of the day she does no housework apart from will clean bathroom about once a week if lucky. Doesn’t help with cooking or do her own laundry, put her dishes in dishwasher, you get the picture.

She does however take 1 hour showers or run a huge deep bath.

What is fair here? What would you do?

Thanks

I would come at this differently - how much does it cost you to have her living at home? If she moved out how much would you save / would you rent out her room?

THAT is how much is reasonable to charge her given that you need the money.

After splitting up with her father me, tween DD and 20 year old DD moved into a new house. DD 20 wanted to discuss what contribution she’d make as an adult.
She has limited income but we looked at what bills we’d have. She offered to pay for her own food (although we have a couple of meals together a week) and the gas and electricity bill (£170).

She has her lovely long term boyfriend stay about 4 nights a week and she told him to pull his weight when here (cleans the kitchen, he takes the bins out, goes to do errands for us and he’ll always pay for milk/butter/essentials and pick them up etc and has offered to do gardening).

She does her own laundry, vacuums, clears up after herself and babysits her sister if needed. She sees it as an adult house share and I treat and respect her like that even though she’s still my baby girl 😂

Tell your DD she’s an adult and needs to shape herself.

It doesn’t matter how long she chooses to be away from her home. It’s her home so she needs to pay. Do People that rent not have to pay rent when they work away or go on holiday? “landlord I’ve only spent 20 days here this month so I’ll only pay 66% of the rent”

Wow what a wonderful role
model you have been to raise a DD like that.

i need to up my game and sort my DS (same age) out.

Although he does contribute financially and does jobs he wouldn’t think to stepmothers taking the piss!

If she has a bedroom there, she needs to pay. Why doesn't she just move in with him if she's after a freebie?

Turn her room into a spare room for guests and tell her she can stay max one night a week if she doesn't want to contribute.

I fail to understand how anyone can take a shower for an hour.
The principle of what should you pay once you start earning…. Is she trying to save any for a rental deposit etc ? If she tries to pay rent and save that won’t work.
She should pay for her phone and all her car costs. So I would start with that.

shes Old enough to have a convo about family finances

if you are struggling financially, tell her. Be clear as day with her.

and nobody needs a one hour shower. That’s ridiculous

This is exactly what I paid as soon as I started working - whether I was working 5 hours a week when I was 16 or 40 when I was 18. It taught me straight away that necessities get paid first then spending money after. I never begrudged it and would never have dared question it as it was their house and they had another 3 kids to look after.

The bottom line is that your financial situation is tight, and so she should contribute or move out. She's using your resources without contributing. I have my 25yo DD living with me right now and she doesn't pay rent because I don't need her to - but she works, she pays for her own driving lessons, insurance etc. and most of all she more than pulls her weight around the house. It's like having a built in housemate/cleaner/chef.

If your DD can't deliver that, she needs to pay up or go.

Of course she needs to pay board. She's an adult taking up a bedroom which could be rented out to a boarder if you are financially pinched. You could reduce it according to how much housework she does but you are not running a hotel.
Unless she has a medical condition she should also be looking at more work hours, a second p/time job or a side hustle.
She's 20, an adult, so her coming and going is up to her but she pays for her room not her hours at home.

Why wouldnt it ?
Minimum wage is about £23,000 now sp there is no resson why peoole cant save and pay some rent

We are really struggling financially. I mentioned her paying rent and it was a flat out no. She says as she is rarely here why should she

Tell her it's not a choice. If she wants to have a room in your house (even if she's not using it much) then she pays rent. And either way, stop doing her washing! She's a grown adult!

My mum never charged me rent, nor did dh’s. We both lived at home at least part time til mid 20s.

But I tidied up after myself. I did my own laundry (from about the age of 12). I did my own food shopping and cooking, sometimes I cooked for both of us.

I would expect her to be looking after herself and her things, buying her own food and cooking for herself and contributing to a portion of bills, if you need it, like electricity, water, internet, etc.

Longer term though, she isn’t going to be a reliable source of money, because she likely will move out in the near future. You also need to look to downsize and reduce your outgoings for when she flies the nest and you’re left with all the bills again, because your costs won’t reduce hugely when that happens.

Each of my DC has moved back for a spell after uni and paid £200pm. They each also contributed different things - cleaning, cooking, helping with animals etc and I loved having them. The money didn’t cover the increase in bills (loss of Single Person Council Tax etc.) but it helped. I adore my children and will always help them as much as I can but a big part of that is teaching them how to be adults.

It doesn’t sound like she’s there much. How much do you think she is costing you? Charge her that amount. It doesn’t sound like it would be much though. Will you downsize when she moves out? If so tell her that and explain that you’re struggling paying for the size of house that can accommodate her without a contribution. If you won’t be downsizing, I’d be careful about charging her more than she’s actually costing you as you’ll get used to the money and will struggle again when she moves out.

She should be doing some things around the house like putting a wash on.

We don’t charge out adult child but we don’t need to. He does pull his weight around the house though and has a good attitude.

How cultures differ. What exactly is she costing you to live in her own home? And surely as the parents it is your responsibility to maintain your home.

It does matter what your mum did or your husbands
The Op is strughling for money ,if she received universal credit and child benefit for her ,that will be gone now
Different families ,different circumstances.

This.

She is taking the absolute piss. Tell hers she either lives with you and pays rent regardless of how much time she spends there or she moves out and lives with the boyfriend, that’s her options. No laundry, no cooking etc..

Why is she only working part time? Does she study as well?

Food ,her portion of the utillity bills
Really does it matter?
Its not like adults paying board to their parents when they are working is a new thing
My 84 year old Dad was paying £5 a week to his mum in 1971
Subsequently i was paying my parents £130/ month in 1996

Yes, she should start paying- even if a minimal amount. And (regardless of what she pays), a limit on the amount of water she’s using - hour long showers should be a huge no.
And yes, she can also start doing her own laundry and help with housework. You’re not setting her up for independent grown up life otherwise.

The number of nights spent there makes no difference - she needs to pay rent if she classes it as her home, if she doesn't then she can't be back and forth as much as this. She is 20 and you have every right to expect money towards bills. My children know that I expect them to be either students or working paying rent, because I can't afford to let it go. Waiting until she's passed her driving test is no excuse and not necessary. I would charge around £300 a month, because that's what I would need.

Tell her she pays rent or moves out permanently. If she stays stop doing things for her.

If she’s working she needs to pay rent. Nights there is irrelevant tbh.
stop doing her laundry too. I’ve a 22 and 19 year old at home and haven’t done their laundry for years! And my 22 year old pays rent now she’s working ( youngest at uni).
she’s getting an easy free life

Personally I wouldn't call it rent.

I don't think I would ever charge my children rent...

But, and it's a big but... She should contribute and help if her parents are struggling to maintain the situation that she is benefitting from.

To me that isn't a meaningless word change but quite significant. You aren't asking for arbitrary payments that could feel like a punishment, a push to leave, or a way of making cash from your child...

Instead your explaining how times are hard, and if she wants to live in the family home and be part of the family, she needs to contribute like all the other working adults in the family. It's not "rent".. it's doing your part to help out the family unit that you are in.