AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

You can marry for money or you can marry for love, but you can’t do both.

And the women I know who married for money?
It ended badly.

I once had the opportunity to marry a legit millionaire. He was kind, well respected, and he treated me well.
I knew this was going to lead to him asking me to marry him - but I didn’t love him, I wasn’t in love with him.
So I broke it off.
I heard he married a teacher (coincidentally) and that they were very happy.
Which made me very happy for him.
And then I heard that he and his company went bankrupt.
I hope they’re okay.

My friend married for money and same - the most beautiful custom home you ever saw. Clothes, jewelry, trips…
And. Then. Came. The. Alzheimer’s.
She had to sell the house because he kept getting lost.
And she was terrified he’d let himself outside and walk into the pool.
So, the house went and a far simpler house was purchased.
A mutual friend told me that before he got really bad, he lost most of their money in bad investments.
Shw finally had to put him in a special hospital he got so bad.
I felt so bad for for both of them.
And he finally passed.
She now lives in a tiny flat.
She always makes excuses when we call and invite her for a coffee.
She thinks we don’t love her or we’re judging her or some other stupid reason.
We love her.

How have you got to 57 and just realised this?

Do you envy me? I was a SAHM. He’s just left after 30 years. I will have enough financially but if your marriage is a happy one I’d rather be you.
Money doesn’t buy happiness but when you have it everyone expects you to be happy.

Life is easier and nicer with money. Did you not realise that years ago? If so, why didn’t you prioritise a better paying career and marry someone who was more ambitious and earned/had the potential to earn a decent salary?

It's not unreasonable to envy them. Millions of people around the world would envy you for living in a safe, democratic country with decent free health care, for having a secure roof over your head and enough to eat, for your good health and your access to public libraries and parks. We all envy what we don't have. But envy is the thief of joy. How can you ever be happy with what you have when you're constantly envying people who have what you don't have? You make your life unhappy with all this envy. Find your pleasure in the things you can do.

Do you have a son? Just stop and think if one day his wife or partner says that about him ! Yep, you sure wouldn’t like it !!

I understand why you feel envious.

I think the way to deal with it is to appreciate all the wonderful aspects of your life. You may have things/people in your life that your fiend doesn’t.

They do say that comparison is the thief of joy.

That your husband is retiring soon, presumably before age 60 is remarkable to
me.

How does he finish at 3 Nd not have any more work? When does he plan, mark or do admin?

This must explain why he hasn't crossed the threshold into UPS. That would give him an extra 7k a year.

@OP you must have realised some time between embarking upon your career as a teacher and now, that teachers don't earn very much and never did. You'll both have a decent pension and presumably have had a 'good enough' life, but teaching as a profession will never make you rich.

A pair of teachers is about as middle of the road as it gets.

There are always people who are better off. I find it bizarre though that you’re blaming your husband - you chose to marry him knowing who he was, and you also chose not to try to earn more money yourself. Own your choices and try to see the value in them.

I come from nothing and fell in love with someone from a similar background and in a low paying career. So I deliberately chose the highest paying career I could think of at the time and have slogged it out for the past 15 years - now earning a very high salary. Yes I would have loved to have stayed home with my babies too but that option wasn’t available to me if I also wanted to be able to buy a house. You also had a choice there and you made it.

Pretty much all my colleagues and university peers come from family wealth, have married someone with family wealth, or have married someone with a similarly high earning career, so I’m an outlier and the poorest person in my social circle because none of that applies to us. But rather than feeling resentful I’m happy with what I’ve got.

That's a dreadful post.

If she'd lived her whole life in poverty the end result would have been the same.

You do actually seem to be judging her reduced circumstances. Almost revelling in them.

Honestly OP, comparison is the thief of joy.

I don't want to sound condescending, but you could equally compare yourself to the billions of people around the world who have so much less than you and you would feel extremely lucky.

You are only comparing because they are in your day to day life. There are many, many people even in the UK who have less than you.

It sounds like you've made your choices and aren't planning to go and get a high flying career now, so you need to find a way to make peace with what you have. What is this achieving?

OP I get you, I have a lot of low- mid earning female friends, we had a lot in common in our twenties, we all house shared and looked for budget nights out. Fast forward to our thirties and these female friends suddenly have 4 bedroom houses in zone 2 london, some have switched to part time work, others have given up work entirely. What do the have in common? Husbands who earn 100k plus. Meanwhile DH and I struggle to get by on two mid incomes, we bought a tiny flat and we have to work full time so need to pay full time childcare. It’s disappointing OP, I wish dh and I had been more aware of money when younger. We grew up very poor, we’re doing well compared to our school friends and siblings but not compared to Londoners.

Again, this sound like schadenfreude.

You don't hope they're happy at all. You got a little mean spark of joy when you heard of their misfortune.

I actually think as a woman, there are two good plans in life if cash is a motivator.

Make your own money.

Marry decent man/woman that will make money.

Actually, three, do both.

And, if you do neither, accept that money was never your motivator and find the joy in your circumstances. Don't sit around feeling slightly glad when misfortune visits others.

Some people are risks takers, they're generally the ones who will make lots of money, some people aren't and are born to middle class lives and sit in the position they were born. And that's fine.

No point getting chippy because you took the safe route and it's landed you exactly where it was always going to.

It's a soft landing with no surprises.

So people in your dept only work part time, or don't have kids?

I'm an English teacher. Work FT, have three kids. It's what you do if you want your pension pot to be healthy and benefit from a larger take-home pay.

It's saddening to hear how you talk about your husband's contributions.

So women's goal in life is to marry a bank and not go out and make their own money ?

Well she won’t have a great lifestyle if they were to divorce, so I wouldn’t be too jealous if it’s the husbands money.

And 30k plus a full state pension isn't touching poverty, its a decent end-game for a working life.

But people who do this must understand that their lives will always be comfortable-ish. But never lavish.

No-one goes into teaching for the money, surely?

But you're in the generation that would've benefited from rocketing house prices. How much did you pay for your house when you bought it? How much is it worth now?

You can't compare. My friend and her dh are teachers and live in a bigger house than us, all because they got a massive handout from their parents to buy a bigger house. So outside looking in, it looks like they have more money than us. But they don't. But they'll probably get a massive inheritance and still look like they earn more.

The numbers also seem low. I'm just a classroom teacher and I earn £53k a year, plus the thirteen week's holidays I can be off with the kids, earn money marking for exam board etc

Is that at an independent?

I always intuited teaching salaries to be about 45k (when I thought about it, which I only do when threads like these pop up).

No, in Scotland at top end of the pay scale. I do think Scotland pays its teachers better though.

Quite. DD's 27 and on £42k plus an extra £200 a week from tutoring. Idon't understand how a tracher with decades of experiemce is on £44k. Caveat, DD is secondary.