AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

So YANBU for feeling envy. That's a completely normal, human emotion.

But I wouldn't let it consume you. People's choices and paths lead them to very different places. Having said that, curve balls happen. Both good AND bad. Life throws unexpected things our way. People can become way more successful than they ever imagined, or they could end up in a situation much worse than they'd hoped. It's the nature of life.

I had a really good career in chemistry, but then I got a brain tumour, developed a neurological condition and now I can't work at all. It's been a crazy shock to the system.

There are so many people in MUCH better situations than me. Do I wish I was in their position? Yes.

Do I let it eat me up to the point of it actually bothering or affecting me? No.

I have a nice (albeit rented) home. My children are happy and healthy. I have my kitties. I can get by. I'm grateful for that.

Try and be thankful for what you DO have, rather than envying others for having more than you.

You might find you realise that you are actually very lucky

If it makes you feel better my sister married for money and as much as she has a beautiful house and beautiful clothes she is married to a horrible, grumpy old man. I really understand why she did it given our background, but I’m glad she is the older one so I could learn from her mistakes and marry someone I actually like.

I voted yabu as its daft to think it's entirely up to a husband to create wealth. Plus it's not like he's gambled away your pensions on hare brained schemes, he's done a really admirable profession.

But I do understand jealousy. It's tough to work hard and then see people living a life of leisure - but that's life isn't it. I guess plenty of people would look at your life and think "why can't that be me, I've worked so hard"

YANBU
How is your DH only earning 44k as a teacher if he's close to retirement. I assume he's part-time or you are abroad. I'm a part-time teacher and earn more than this. Top of scale (Uk) is 54k.

I don't get this OP. You and your DH both chose to go into teaching completely voluntarily.

Her DH decided to risk his own money and started a successful thriving business. I don't see how this is "unfair" at all.

My DH is a big 4 partner, earns £200k plus and rightly so. Due to intense hours, hard work and delivering for key clients.

Lifestyle wise you’ll have had lots of family time together over the years with the long holidays. Couples I know who both teach tend to go to France or off camping all summer etc.
The couples with a high earning self employed man often have little time together or short holidays and him still working. Your friend may have been envious you could all spend two weeks off together over Easter.

I also don’t understand the envy of a massive house when it’s just two of you approaching retirement. What do you need a massive house for? I’m younger than you and wouldn’t want to be cleaning and maintaining a huge property.

It's no longer my problem of course, but I assure you that the long holidays are recuperation time.

In my last year in my permanent teaching post, my HT informed me that teachers should expect to be sworn at.

It's gradually become worse. I know of several instances of pregnant women being hit in schools. As I've said elsewhere on these boards, it happened to me.

I have no idea why but around 2000 there was a distinct shift in attitude. When I was a young teacher, it was safe for a woman to break up a fight between two boys - there was an unspoken code of honour that meant that a teenage boy wouldn't hit a woman. Not now.

Between 2000 and 2018, I twice had a desk thrown at me, once was punched in the stomach whilst pregnant, and once was kicked in the stomach after suffering a miscarriage (not the same year). Misogyny has definitely increased: in both cases of my being hit in the stomach, the teenager concerned most definitely meant to aim for the stomach area. They were laughing while they did it.

The second time I was trying to keep out of reach since I was still uncomfortable - I'd miscarried at home - and the boy actually jumped up on a desk so that he could take aim at me with his feet.

I recall boys discussing how they had 'fun' at the weekend - they'd look for a loan teenager to jump. (A colleague's son actually sustained brain damage after such an attack. A young male teaching colleague was attacked at a bus station.) There is a different mindset nowadays and (in Scotland at any rate) the police avoid charging anyone under the age of 16 and current sentencing requirements mean that anyone under the age of 25 is unlikely to get a prison sentence.

I cannot tell you what the outcome was, but a teenage boy at a school where I worked some years ago used a pencil to stab a woman teacher in the neck. The police did attend. The local FB page was full of his neighbours complaining that it was the teacher's fault.

I did do a tiny amount of supply after my husband died but I couldn't go back full time to that, I really couldn't. In one week I was hit twice whilst stopping assaults, a young teacher was punched on the arm and a Pupil Support Assistant (whose wage is risible) was hit in the corridor whilst pregnant.

Those outside the profession have no idea of some of the things that happen. On several occasions, I've raised concerns about boys displaying behaviour that suggested that they were going to become sex offenders.

In one case, I was literally laughed at. The boy left school at 16 and committed the assault he'd described in his work - only the victim was much younger than the victim in his story.

So far as workload is concerned, I always refused to do exam marking [ETA for the exam board] though I can tell you from my experience of marking mocks that some subjects are less onerous to grade than others. (Unusually these days, I was qualified to teach three subjects and there were some years that I graded mocks/prelims for all three.)

My main subject took the longest to grade. One of the things that i definitely don't miss is spending most of my evenings and weekends marking.

It varies from school to school, but promoted staff at my school gradually lost their managerial time, so eventually we finished up doing all our paperwork after to hours, to the extent that I wasn't leaving the building until 7.30 pm (unless it was a parents' evening).

The final straw for me was when I got home late from work one night to find that my husband (by then a stroke victim) had scalded himself at lunchtime trying to make a coffee. That was when I tendered my resignation.

I only tutored twice - once as a favour to a friend where a youngster needed to learn English and once for a pupil who was being home schooled by the LA because he suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. I only saw him for maybe three months, just enough to supervise his coursework and mocks.

I wouldn't advise any young person to go into teaching these days. Possibly for a subject like P.E., but even that has its challenges nowadays. If you teach a subject that is allowed to be selective then that's possibly not too bad.

So far as primary is concerned, I've no first-hand experience, but I gather that the forward planning is dreadfully complicated and that the behavioural challenges are catching up with those in secondary.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Typo!

*lone teenager

Did she tell you she married him for his money or is that your assumption?

I ask, because I feel I know someone that has married for money, he’s 18 years older than her, she says not, but I do think otherwise!

This isn’t a nice post. You come across as jealous of your friend. Why weren’t YOU more ambitious? If teaching offers such a rubbish salary, why didn’t you look for something higher paid? Why are you critical of your husband? You wanted him to earn ££££, so you could sit at home, while he works his hands to the bone?? Really ?

I think you’ve been reading too many MN threads, where wife is a SAHP and husband works away for days on end, earning the magical 6 figure salary!

My 58 yr old friend lives in a big house. It’s a 200yr old farmhouse that they have extended. It’s a constant money pit with a leaking roof that they never seem to be able to fix. She gave up work when they her DC came along and they have both now left home.
She loves the house but it’s becoming more and more hard work despite cleaning lady and a stream of handy men.

She recently had a major panic. Her DH doesn’t enjoy the best of health but ignores all the advice e. She’s only just realised that she hasn’t taught herself no idea what pension provisions are in place. She is a director of their company but in name only. Has no idea about the day to day finances despite being a highly intelligent woman.

Life has just snook up on her.She recently questioned me about whether I could afford my lifestyle. She wasn’t being rude but we live in a small detached house with a postage stamp sized garden. We haven’t downsized but have got rid of a large holiday home and my business ( a dental surgery) over the last few years. I basically semi retired at 55 and we lived on the profit from the sale of the business. Then I took my pension and I now only work one day a week to cover DS’s uni costs.
DH was the lower earner but has a small pension that he will draw down until he can claim his state pension. We’ve always lived off my income and his income was playing out money.

I explained to my friend that when we had the opportunity to upsize we realised we didn’t need to. We had 3 properties, releasing the equity allowed us to retire early. Then we chose the smallest property because we wanted a house that was cheap to run and easy to maintain. It might be small but I don’t need to pay for a cleaner or a gardener. We e invested longterm in energy saving appliances that should last 10+ years and it’s in a good location.

I am so glad we did. I was diagnosed with breast cancer and soon after DH had a stroke. I don’t know how we’d have managed with a huge property. My treatment left me with chronic fatigue and DH is ok but has very little stamina. But we are both happy to still be here.

Life has taught me that things can change dramatically, and very rapidly. Many “rich” couples we know are paper rich but pocket poor and like a great many people would struggle if their world came crashing down. You are ok if you are able to work but unless you have made provision for early retirement then things get difficult.

Luckily we had made decisions before our “crash” that meant we are currently very comfortable, debt free and with deep pockets. We are also naturally cautious and have become accustomed to a simple life through necessity. DH is about to have a long awaited knee replacement ( delayed by covid and his stroke and more recently the shortage of bone cement) he has become pretty much housebound because he can’t walk further than 50yds without being in pain. Hopefully, once recovered we’ll be able to start doing a bit of travelling and enjoy some of the things we’ve been missing out on. I suspect we won’t be going mad though.

The one thing I do know is that if anything happens to my DH I will be able to live the same life. In fact I will be better off since his pension pot will be paid out in full.

It sounds like you are in a similar position OP. Your pensions will probably mean you are comfortable going forward. Imagine if your friend has to maintain her house on her own. Her DH may have a decent pension or investments but many women who marry rich men and are our age are often traded in or have no idea of what provisions have been made for them. I was totally shocked that my friend had no idea what “the plan “ was in her case.

Be grateful that you have the complete picture and although you may not be living the high life at least you will have a life in retirement. So many women are blissfully ignorant of what is ahead.

@TheAngryPuxie I think i get what you mean. Im a single parent with two children in private school. Honestly every mum is a SAHM with a super wealthy husband. I often wonder what it must be like to have all that. But I do think that im not seeing every aspect. You should appreciate your partner more

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work

Well, maybe you should have been more ambitious yourself, but why should he work and you don’t have to? Maybe he would like to stay home in a gorgeous house not working 🤷‍♀️.

When I get older my regrets will almost certainly be not having spent enough time with my DC when they were young - always working. Presumably you’ve enjoyed many weeks of holiday every year, and with your partner too. That sounds like a life well spent, and hopefully enjoyed. Plus my DH and I have never earned much more than you, and have much weaker private sector pensions. Sorry OP but I think you have an awful lot to be thankful for.

I can see why you feel like this and have had similar feelings myself. As I've got older, I've seen things play out. In my experience, most very high earners are not too nice and quite likely not too be too nice to their family in one way or another. (I'm sure there are exceptions).

OP, if your husband finishes work at 3pm, and doesn't tend to bring work home, how does he manage this? I think, what with the school holidays, your husband has a part-time job. I guess that gives him plenty of time to relax, talk with you, go out and about with you and still have man-hobbies if he wants. Do you realise how much high-rolling wives, who rarely see their husbands, would envy you - in fact, I guess, about as.much as you envy them! 🙂

I totally understand what you’re saying. I have a friend who has a helicopter. Private jet and about 25 homes round the world. I wealth I cannot comprehend.

however I feel wealthy. J have two healthy happy children and a happy marriage.

im extremely happy I life and that makes all the difference. I don’t see my friends wealth as a jealously. But that’s because I’m happy in my life.

And then there are the millions of people who would envy your lifestyle. Doesn't sound like you are living in abject poverty. The grass is always greener! Either change your lot or make your peace with it. If you are healthy and in a happy marriage with a roof over your head and food on the table then I think you are doing well in life.

I understand ☺️. You married for love and you are envious but I imagine more so, you are angry that teaching doesn't pay even if you work harder than others.

Some teachers work incredibly hard, others don't but there isn't a difference. You feel how you feel! I hope that this thread (with all the horrible comments on it) don't cause you any worry or upset.

People in this country expect the education system and the NHS to run flawlessly whilst being entrepreneurial should mean you get what you earn because you "work hard".

I’m amazed you have got to 57 before realising life isn’t fair . . .

I agree with you! We are the poorest of our friendship group and both our families. We've always had the smallest house, oldest car.

Examples-
Friend married a man who had just inherited 3 million quid.
Friend married a man who worked in the City. He is a workaholic and earns huge amounts, gets up at 5.30 am to go to work still at age 60
Family members husband came from a wealthy family. He has inherited from grandparents then parents. He in turn has given his family members houses and cash.
Friends husband has a wealthy family and will inherit lots and lots of money.

We've at least got money in a pension but will both need to work beyond retirement age if we can. I know we both could have got well paid jobs but chose jobs we enjoyed. I certainly didn't want to get up every day at 5.30 to get on a packed tube to go to work! I would have liked the 300k salary though.

This - I can understand feeling some envy but only if I know they are happy with their dhs! Which to be fair many are.
but I earn my own way, dh might be able to retire on me. So I also feel a man is not a financial plan and if you take it that way then yes sheer luck will dictate the outcomes, luck and if you prioritise choosing a stable partner.

@horrifiedandunsure I was one of those wives too. I would personally swerve any high flying wealthy man going forward… I don’t find them very pleasant people on the whole.

Wealth is great if you can enjoy it. I didn’t…I couldn’t.

Having a lovely OH (now) and a smaller, simpler life is my way forward.

I hope you find happiness and peace.

I get where you’re coming from OP and it’s natural to be a little envious but you don’t know the full picture. Presumably you and DH have had a happy marriage of mutual love and respect. Neither of you are rolling in cash but you have also been the careers that are fulfilling and, presumably, you could talk about with each other and support each other through. If you have kids you were both able to have school holidays with them and time as a family, which may high earning people struggle to do. That’s a huge advantage.

Money is only one part of a larger picture. You can be rich in other ways, though I know it sounds trite. And, sorry to say, if you are envious of someone else’s earnings over their life, why blame it on your DH? You could have been more “ambitious” and got a high earning job yourself. Why is DH not ambitious for being a teacher when it’s the same career you have had?