AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

Most of the teachers I know are on under 40k for full time. That's mostly those who have completed the extra ect years so those who are fully qualified with 3-5ish years experience. For slightly more experience (if they make it that long) I think you are lrobably about right. I think that is quite low really, especially for the hours expected.

Yes just checked. We go up to £54,500ish as of August. Standard classroom teacher, state school.

Ah, ok. That's not bad at all for a non senior teacher, and in-line with what you should be paid.

I always wanted teachers to be paid a decent wage, that feels right for the people that hold children's future in their hands.

You feel what you feel and your feelings are legitimate. But… it’s important to balance those feelings with the likely facts. Running a business can be 24/7 and carry a lot of risk. I run a small one and I can’t tell you the last time I had 3 days off in a row let alone six weeks every summer. Your choices had upsides and downsides, so will there’s have had. You can regret some of your choices of course, but the more valuable process is to count your blessings and focus on what, if anything, you’d like to change in your own life.

You are presumably in your 50s.
Nicely - you have lived at a time it was easier to make money. Those husband's (and you if you'd done it) went through their early career in boom time when it was easier to climb the corporate ladder. Those in their 20s and early 30s are not going to have that. I am early 40s and my husband cannot move 'upwards' easily. He's just had to accept a 25k paycut just to get a job in a new location. We live in harder times now. They were luckier.

But you are only 57. You have years left to save or make changes. No one i know is retiring at 60ish... You have a good month off at least in the summer can you make more of this ? You had time off with your children which is invaluable. I would focus more on what you have and how you can improve things.

If you had a big house, you would envy your friend with a castle. If you had a castle you would envy your friend with a palace.

You should be proud of your husband as he is and not resentful because he's not as rich as some other guy.

Ever increasing material things don't mean anything

Wow op, just wow. Many women, myself included, can have babies and careers that earn good money, it’s a choice you make. Take some personal responsibility.

Welcome back to the 1950s! Why should women feel they have to marry to be where the money is?

I feel marginally sorry for the OP looking back on their life and regretting what they don't have because their husband doesn't earn more.

I feel very sorry for the DH being married to someone who just sees them as a meal ticket. I wonder if he knows what a disappointment he is.

Can they actually afford these things? They might be mortgaged to the hilt and buying holidays on credit.

Money/being wealthy does not = happiness. In fact, often the opposite

I think in today’s world one of you gets to be the one who chases money, while the other picks up the slack has an equally stressful job and does the child care etc.. I am a teacher (it’s hard) have 2 kids but husband is the high earner.. it’s me and my career that takes the hit if kids are ill or one of us has to say no (work related).

Are you joking ?? Why don't you be more ambitious and earn more money ? Also for all you know she could be unhappy at home and you in marriage bliss. Money isn't everything and in all honesty it doesn't matter what you have you always want more.

But you've chosen not to work the silly hours in a high pressure environment. You've had the time with your children, the holidays etc. You've taken the safe, secure route and that comes with a cost. Enjoy what you have, which is more than most.

You shouldn't be working for the minimum wage though ? Protect your time, use your union. You still have another 10 years left of teaching. Also have you got some pensions advice ? Your pension may be worth more than you think.

Being a teacher you’ll have absolutely no idea how stressful it is running your own business. He won’t have had months of paid holiday a year, paid sick leave, an iron clad pension for life ect etc etc. And his wife won’t have had the security of a husband with all those benefits.

You think your job is stressful, and I’m sure it is, but imagine living your life without all the benefits you get, often not knowing if your business is going to continue being profitable during recessions, covid, Brexit etc etc etc.

You have had many advantages as a teacher, so please cherish that rather than making wrong assumptions about someone else’s life.

A PP suggested you have a joint income of £70K and you didn't correct them @TheAngryPuxie . If your DH is on £44K, that would mean you are on £26k. That cannot be right if you are working full time.

Why don't you change job now? You have another decade until state retirement age to do something else. You would be able to get a local authority job aligned with your experience, which would likely be a hybrid role, mostly WFH for £35-40K.

Nobody is teaching as a hobby. It’s a gruelling job.

There is no point in being envious. Do what you can to improve your own income if a big house is that important to you.

These “friends” might have suffered traumatic loss and inherited early. They might have had above average luck, or have generous wealthy families. It’s none of your business so focus on your own life and all the blessings you have.

That's not true is it though?

Money as a definer does not bring joy, and the pursuit of wealth is tricksy as a life choice.

But money? It's pretty neutral. It's the why and the what that makes money an interesting question.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You need to count your blessings what you do have. Comparison is the thief of joy. There are people in a lot worse positions than you are. I choose to stay single and if i did have time to meet someone I certainly am not looking for a meal ticket.

@TheAngryPuxie I understand being envious of other’s lifestyles. I find myself feeling like that too at times.
My oldest friend is same age as me (57) and has just retired.
Shes enjoying her less stressful life and I’m pleased for her but also know that I will have to keep going with work until I’m 67.

So I do understand your feelings but I would say, try to be less bitter and angry about it. Blaming your husband won’t help.
Try to think about what you have got and also how you might be able to make life a bit happier for each other.

You still have a mortgage. Most people pay off the mortgage before they stop working so cash flow improves.

Months of paid holiday? I'm pretty sure teachers are only paid for 5.6 weeks holiday, which is the same or near to that of most employees.

Well, yes. But we are not paid pro rata and we get our pay spread across all twelve months. To all extent and purposes, we're paid through the entirety of our time off.

Why is this on your husband? Why couldn’t you have been more ambitious and set up your own business? What would you think if your dh said he was cross with you for not earning more?

I do get the desire to wish your life was a bit different. A lot of my friends don’t work at all. Their husbands earn very good money, often due to having their own companies. But I wouldn’t want the stress of being self employed and the worries which come with that. I think it takes a special sort of mind set to be able to do that. It’s not for me, it’s not for dh. And just because he’s a man doesn’t mean dh should be the one doing it. So we both plod along being wage slaves. 😁