AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

🤣🤣🤣 Lovely goady Saturday night post!

So between you there's an income of just under 90k ?? My heart bleeds......

I'd say YABU. Comparison is the thief of joy.
As long as you have enough, I think that's a definite way to wish your life away.
I would say that, just having the security of a second salary coming into the household, is a great comfort. I've lived with a couple of partners, and on my own now, and the feeling of back up/security, from both of us, when roles were at risk, etc., made a big difference.

Take responsibility for where you are

Envy is not a good look. Cherish what you have.

Why weren't YOU more ambitious so that he could have a bigger house and didn't have to work? Maybe he's a disappointed in you as you are in him.

You made your choices. You could have chosen someone else. You didn't

I was attracted to my DH because he was gorgeous, intellectual, decent and kind. When we met he was so skint he had newspaper stuffed in his shoes.

The first sentence of the above paragraph are what mattered. However, he has certainly never disappointed.

Is this some new weird version of a techer bashing thread. Teacher of 57 only just realised that if you have more money you can afford more material possessions 😳.
in addition to which why is your husband, and presumably you still on UPS as you near retirement, that’s not about ambition it’s about not being good enough to go through to UPS.

@TheAngryPuxie I thought teachers get a decent pension? If your DH retires soon, will you both be better-off to start enjoying the finer things in life?

When I was teaching, I did see some part-timers in particular secondary departments who had better off husbands and who did the job for 'pin money'. They often managed to avoid classes being presented for exams - you'd find that the timetabler would give them junior classes.

Do you love your husband, does he love you, do you like your home however modest and do you take pleasure from some things? Most importantly, are you reasonably healthy?

Those issues are important.

Your life sounds similar to mine some years ago (I am now widowed and retired). We didn't have much, both worked hard, had just one child. It was hard at times but I don't believe other couples that we knew who were a lot better off than us financially were any better off in real terms.

Everyone encounters problems in life regardless of status: illness, bereavement, disappointments, kids being ill or getting into strife. That is life, good and bad, ups and downs. Even the King and the Princess of Wales have had to have extensive and uncomfortable medical treatment and they have all the money in the world.
Prince and Princess Michael of Kent's son in law committed suicide out of the blue.

You and your husband do valuable work and that must be rewarding and fulfilling in many ways. When you retire you'll have decent pensions and be able to relax, hopefully have some fun.

My husband and I planned to go off in the car and explore parts of this country that we didn't know for short breaks. He was really looking forward to that. It was not to be. However we did some of it while still working and I have happy memories.

Envying others is pointless, it changes nothing, only makes you feel worse. Enjoy what you have.

I'm not retiring yet. Still working. Can't sfford to.

Full time or part time?

You are both teachers and are struggling? In your 50s and 60s with a combined income of maybe 70K?
What's going on?

No. I'm in FE. Working in a school in my subject means wotking all the hours God sends and behaviour is intolerable.

It depends on how many years you have (as is the case with all pensions, of course).

I lost out to an extent because of family health problems. I dropped to a 4 day week for one year and then retired at 58, so that put a dent in my pension. I never had maternity leave. I started teaching when I was 24.

However, I was in a promoted post. (I was a PTC/Faculty Head) My take home teaching pension after tax is currently a little under 2k a calendar month. I can't complain - many are much worse off. If I'd been in an unpromoted post, it wouldn't have been as much.

You need poorer friends!

I saw a couple of those twenty years ago when I first started teaching. They were on the verge of retirement and definitely had less responsibility. I don’t think you’ll find many people like that anymore. The job is too difficult and anyone not willing to give the skin off their back would be given a hard time indeed.

Still on MPS not UPs

I find the whole tone of your post a bit insulting. Rude about your husband, for a start. Why couldn't you have had some ambition and earned more? And I can't imagine anyone doing teaching as a hobby. You say yourself how stressful it is.
Real wealth is having a loving marriage, healthy children, good friends. Not comparing and being self-,pitying.

This isn't quite true.

You accrue 1.75% of your salary for each full year worked, index linked, for a combined contribution equal to 38% of your salary.

Assuming you earned £10k pa more in an equivalent level private sector role and both you and your employer invest 10% quite aggressively for 30 years, your pot will surely generate an income greater than TPS.

You chose this. You chose to train, you chose your job, you chose to stay. You choose every day to keep doing it.
So quit whining and own it

In my opinion you’re being unreasonable, outside of most people being right on you could have earned differently too, you shouldn’t feel jealous of someone else’s marriage, dh was at a meeting recently with a successful company and it came up how people neglected their marriages to get to where they were, with some even joking that divorces were almost a given. Give me a funny, lovely husband over a financially successful one any day!

Op you’re exactly the reason why I’m careful about who I let into my home and share details regarding personal wealth with.

Yes, Yabu. There is more to life than money, you have had an excellent career as has your husband.
Money isn’t everything.
I am sure you’ll have a pension too. Don’t waste your time stressing.
Get some lower earning friends, it’ll balance things out.,