To lose interest in seeing friends after I had kids

[lucybm]

I’m 30 with two kids (3 and 1). Before kids I had a pretty exciting social life: friends from work, school, uni, going out for dinners, drinks, all of that.

Now life is obviously very different. Most weekends we spend together as a family – parks, day trips, seeing parents, that kind of thing. It probably sounds cliché but my husband is genuinely my best friend and I really enjoy spending time with him and the kids. Of course it’s exhausting but on the whole I love it and much prefer it to my single, working life. There are weekends where one of us has plans, sometimes I’ll meet a friend for dinner or go to the theatre with my mum, or he’ll go and see friends, or have something work-related. But even when going out to, let’s say, the theatre without kids I usually prefer going with my mum or sister vs a dinner with friends.

I still have friends who suggest meeting up – brunches, dinners, birthdays etc. In theory I say yes and it sounds nice. But when the day actually comes round, I just can’t be bothered and I have FOMO about what I could be doing with family. I’d honestly rather spend that time with my family, go somewhere with the kids, or just have a relaxed day together.

I’ve been invited to a 30th this weekend and all I can think is I’ll miss bedtime, miss dinner with my family, and I don’t really want to be there chatting. I’d much rather stay home or do a day trip / overnight staycation with family. Help isn’t an issue - my mum and MIL both happily babysit (mainly for date nights with my husband), we have a nanny-housekeeper too.

I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like anything is missing. If anything, it feels like quite a short phase whilst the kids are little, they actually want to be with me, and I know in a few years they’ll be off doing their own thing.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

AIBU to just not want to socialise and prefer being with my family at this stage?

I would just be careful OP. As you say this is a short stage, you have a lot of life left to live after your children are no longer tiny and the friends who you ignore will not be waiting around to be picked up when you decide you want to.

It can be hard when you’re at different stages of life though. I’m in the same boat with 2 very young children and am quite lucky that lots of my friends have similar age children so we see each other pretty much every week with all the kids & often all the husband’s as well, I have other friends who don’t have children and who still go out a lot drinking and so our ideas of fun don’t really match up but we still all make the effort because the friendships are important to us.

It is important to have a life outside of your family and people outside of your family.

I’d say everyone is different and YANBU to prefer to spend time with family. The thing is, if you lost those friendships, would you be sad about it in the future? I often read/hear that women find their female friendships to be the most important and sustaining thing through all the ups and downs of life. If that’s not you, that’s ok. Although be aware if you don’t put the effort in to friendships, those relationships are unlikely to survive if/when you decide you want to pick them up again.

Agree with poster above - this is a very short period of time in the grand scheme of things and if you cut off all ties to everyone you are going to be very lonely in 10 years when your kids are off with their friends and definitely don't need mum there for bedtime.

@HealthyChoicesHard I honestly don’t know if I’d be sad.

I’m probably quite cynical, but I don’t really believe in lasting friendships the way people describe them. From what I’ve seen growing up, people can and do betray each other for selfish reasons, money, convenience – whatever it is.

To be honest, the only truly solid relationship I’ve seen is between parents and children. Everything else feels a lot more conditional.

So I think that’s why I don’t feel a strong pull to maintain friendships now but of course maybe I’ll feel different in the future.

But at the same time I’ve basically lost all interest in seeing friends, and I don’t know if that’s normal or if I’m becoming a bit closed off.

This is entirely your choice.

As long as you don't expect support from these friends if your marriage ends up as one of the 40% that ends in divorce.

It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences with friends and I can understand why this has shaped how you feel. I think the main thing with only relying on your partner and family is that relationships can fail, older relatives will probably pass before us, so you could be left in quite an isolated situation. Having said that, nothing is certain and if your heart isn’t really in it, your friends will probably pick up on that anyway. Perhaps one thing you could try, if you’re not already doing this, is to find a hobby you enjoy once a week/month and meet people through that? That way you’ll be doing something you actually enjoy as well as socialising?

I get where you're coming from OP. Do you feel you have friends who truly care about you and ask you about your life etc., can you have a laugh with them?
After many cycles of so-called friends drifting away I can't be bothered putting the effort in anymore for the majority. Even between parents and children the relationship can break down. Ask me how I know! I suppose it comes down to whether people in your life enhance it and bring joy, or do the opposite.

I voted yanbu but I also think you should make the effort on occasion. You are your kids world right now, but fast forward ten or so years and you won’t be. I unexpectedly became a widow when my kids were small. I am so grateful to my friends I had them who kept me alive. And I’m truly grateful for the friends I met later.

I don’t identify with this.

Having kids has made me lonelier than i’ve ever been as i struggle with time to meet people.

Incredibly short sighted of you. Really very unwise. Kids grow up and your husband could disappear at any point. I don't say this to offend - it's just I'm 51 and I know it to be true. You need friends and life is so much richer with them.

Are you working? Do you have any social interaction other than family/wife/mother on a regular basis?

I understand that this is a very short window of time where you are your children’s entire world and want to maximise that, but it’s true in both directions. Especially If you shut yourself in and become very insular.

I agree with all the other posters. Short sighted and you'll regret it.

It also seems quite sad that you don't care about any of those friends? Don't you want to see them and find out how they are doing?

If you don't fancy going for drinks then suggest something that does work. Bring the baby to brunch. Go on a park friend date and bring coffee.

Admittedly I live in SW London but here the pubs are full of parents with small kids in the pubs / parks etc. On a Friday at 4pm/5pm you'll get all the nursery kids going to the pub for some dinner and so the mums have a wine. Seems a great balance to me.

Right now I imagine life is very intense with a baby and a toddler. In a few years when your DC are at school, you may have more energy and headspace for socialising. I’m inclined to say try to hang out to your friends, even through WhatsApp.
lf you got divorced or widowed, who would be your support network?

I’m the opposite - I really valued socialising that didn’t centre around kids all the time. You also need to be careful, this all consuming stage won’t last forever and when kids have a bit of independence you’ll need your friends again.

Don’t be the person who always cancels at the last minute.

People will stop inviting you, whether you say no every time or say yes & always cancel. But the second is much more annoying & unfair on the inviters.

You sound like quite a bad friend so maybe it's no loss to you or them then. But just a word of warning, my friends (those who had children are mostly in teens now) remember those of us who couldn't be bothered with us when they were in their little bubble. We don't see them any more. 50% of couples divorce, all children grow up, parents (and partners, and siblings) sadly die... do you want to just have your sister and noone else when you're 50 because you couldn't be bothered?

I’m sorry you haven’t had fulfilling friendships. My husband is my best friend and I love my children, but I have very strong friendships with others and I love going out with my friends.

I have little ones the same age and it is all consuming at the moment and I do love spending time together as a family, but this won’t last forever. There’s a lot of life left to live once kids have grown up and although I do love my OH, there’s something special about female friendships and i think there a really valuable relationship to invest in.

Be careful making your husband and children your whole identity. They’re all their own people and your children will grow up and won’t need you as much and your husband could leave you tomorrow.

You have a strange attitude to friendships! The type of life long friendships that you describe absolutely do exist. I love my girlfriends and I care deeply about them. You talk about your friends as if they are there for your benefit alone and can be picked up and put down at your leisure. Yes of course it’s great that your partner is your best friend and you live spending time with your DCs as most people do. But as others have said. Be careful. It’s sounding like you are losing your identity. Do you work? This is a period of time. The poster earlier said she became widowed unexpectedly. Ok so it’s not common but it does happen. As does divorce. There are no guarantees. I think you or being pretty short sighted and I think you are lucky to have the friendships you do.

Some of my friends were like this. All very ' my husband is my best friend" and ' I am happy with my little family". Then the husbands moved on, the kids moved away and they were like " let's meet for lunch!"

But I had moved on too.

Ive seen this happen many many times.

Just don’t expect to pick up where you left off with them OP. God, I would be bored out of my mind with such a small circle. But you do you!

My Ds was a holy terror when young. I was exhausted with lack of sleep. But I still kept meeting my friends, maybe not as often but as much as I could manage. I am glad of them now my DC have grown up and have no time for me. Female friendships are a great joy. Especially in middle age.
.

And I absolutely do not agree that only family endures! Look at all the MN posters who are NC with parents. How do you know that won't be you?