Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

Your caution is understandable, but of course she is offended!

You are telling her that her judgement is not good enough and someone she has known in person for nearly a year might be a menace. And that her being in the nearby rooms with the Dc was not enough to protect them - and so that you view her , by extension, not able to care for her grandchildren.

You should just have said you didn't want her and Bf to have to put up with the kids running about and messing up the bathroom they would have had to share with them.

I think it best you apologise.

And then try and get to know him more.

He isn't a 'random man' as you described him, he is your Mum's Bf and you will get to know him best if your Mum doesn't distance herself.

YANBU

It’s a real shame we have to think like this, but you never know.

My parents were friends with a man who turned out to be sexually abusing his son’s friends. We used to go to his house and he would buy us xmas presents.

You are talking out of your arse.

I would probably have done the same.

How old are your children? Did they meet your Mum's previous partner? Did they get on with your Mum's previous partner?

Depending I may have said something along the lines of they were a bit nervous about being in a room by themselves? Particularly as she asked later on.

A bit of a cop out but less chance of offence?

Not an easy situation however you handle it.

I agree with all those saying he should have stayed at his. But it's her home and her decision (he didn't pressure her, I'm sure it was the other way round actually) and I wasn't going to cancel the visit over it when we could all sleep in one room.

The kids are still young enough to be very happy with the all together arrangement so I'm not going to worry about longer term for now. I like the idea from a pp about maybe giving the kids the ensuite room when they're older though. But who knows if he'll still.be in the picture then, plus neither of them are in great health.

Were he and your mum sleeping together? Fair enough you want to sleep in the same room as your children to make sure they are safe, but it doesn't mean you have to be rude about your mum's boyfriend and accuse him of being a paedophile.

You are being completely reasonable and the fact your mum acted the way she did would actually be a huge red flag to me, that’s not remotely sensible behaviour, having a man you barely know (and one you don’t know at all!) around your very young grandchildren overnight, at their most vulnerable.
My mum is seeing someone, been seeing each other about 10 months now I think, and he’s been around my kids here and there but there’s absolutely no chance they would be staying overnight if he was! I perhaps err on the side of caution generally but, to be quite blunt, that’s because a previous partner of my mother’s, when I was a young teenager, showed me exactly why you should exercise caution with random men around your children.. and what happens when you don’t.

Did you know he’d be there?

Did you like him?

Is your mum still very unhappy with you?

No other previous partners except my dad and the kids never met him.

Why don’t your mum and her bloke use the large bedroom with the ensuite? To me that’s the weird thing here. Why would you not choose the best bedroom in your own house?

I knew he'd be there in advance. A couple of days before the trip she was asking which beds to make up, and his presence was what prompted me to say we'd all stick to the one big room. She was quite resistant and thought the kids had liked the other rooms on previous pccasions (they had).

My feelings about him are neutral, although I'm really pleased she has some company as she's been lonely for a long time.

Adding to everyone else's opinion OP you've absolutely done the right thing. It doesn't matter if in a years time he will abuse them. Just because it a small chance he would still go on and abuse kids does that mean you as a mum won't safeguard them initially? Ludicrous. Some people on here are strange.

It's refreshing to see this kind of thing on here after thread after thread of women not taking the steps you are. Stand your ground OP. No child has ever resented their parents for keeping them safe. Only the other way round.

I think she prefers one of the other rooms and isn't that fussed about an ensuite.

When you Say he’s a new boyfriend - how new?

Definitely not unreasonable.

You did the right thing for your DC. The fact your mum can’t see that is concerning!!

OP I will preface this by saying I was touched by someone as a kid I should have been able to trust, and my parents are divorced and have had other partners.

So I get it.

You did the right thing but you were tactless. I also sleep in with my kids on some trips, albeit for other reasons. I always frame it as they are unsettled in new beds and wander around at night, wouldn't like you to be disturbed

No, it is not true, but it saves face.

I think your mum also will see it very differently.

I am not saying she is right before people jump on me.

But my mum has had very frank moments talking to me about how she thinks she will now die alone. With her last partner, she definitely prioritised that person in ways that were a bit uncomfy. Reading between the lines, she felt she had not much time left to slowly mature a relationship. There was almost an element of "teen honeymoon" about it. Like she had done putting herself last, cleaning up sick, being sensible..
.and was having one last romance.

It didn't work out for my mum. Your mum's might not either. But God, don't stop visiting or cut her off. If this were a newly adult DD and you were visiting her new pad and a bf stayed over, you'd be told she's an adult now, get over it, what if she marries him, it's her house and you sound controlling etc.

Keep your kids safe but remember she is her own person too.

I see several people mentioning carrying out Clare's or Sarah's Law checks (and this is said a lot on Mumsnet) and just wanted to say that while I know the intention is to genuinely try and be helpful, this kind of situation isn’t what those are designed for. If someone has specific concerns such as worrying or alarming behaviour, specific incidents occurring or a gut feeling which is backed by concrete evidence not just a suspicion then they can ask the police to check whether a person has a relevant history of abuse, violence or sexual offences. It’s not intended as a general background checking service for every new partner or person in someone's life.

In the case of the OP, I agree with the decision they made entirely and would have done the same.

Can I just ask - pp saying they'd lie to the mum the reasons why staying in a the same room so as not to offend... isnt it better to be honest and teach the mum about safeguarding and the reasons behind it?

I definitely agree with what you did OP

This!

I think she feels similarly to your mum with the need to rush. The trouble is I really did exhaust the other things (and they've slept there many times so it's not new or anything). It was only when she kept pushing "I just don't understand though. And you're so squished in there for no reason etc" despite me saying we weren't squished, the kids enjoyed the novelty of sleeping in one room, one was in a phase of waking a lot that I added it in. She obviously knew that was the real reason once said as she certainly stopped asking!

Can't speak for others, but in my view no.

The time you are seeing your mum for a rare visit and she is introducing someone who is very important in her life now - is not the time to give her a lesson.

Relationships are give and take. Most people have done stupid romantic stuff some time. As family we put up with a certain amount of tolerating and eyerolling around partners we don't specially like. Sitting someone down and giving them a good talking-to about it rarely ends well.

yanbu it’s sensible and silly that your mum has challenged you over this. Unless he has said something which … actually is weird

@Trallers fair enough if she pushed that hard!

@Kittybway just to give a RL example, my BIL is quite controlling, has very strong religious views, own guns and has a large Doberman style dog. My kids are never visiting his house. Like, not just not staying over, they will never set foot in the place with my goodwill.

But I am not saying to my sister "your husband is a trigger happy rightwing loon and what on God's earth are you thinking keeping that dog in the same house as your own children!" Because she will not listen to that. Majority of people would not listen to their life choices being critiqued like that. Even though it"s true. So we manage around it.

YABU - you have effectively told your mother you do not trust her judgement and think you are a better judge of character than she is.

He is a stranger, why would you put your kids at risk? Your mum is being unreasonable.