Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

I completely understand where you’re coming from, but if they’ve been together for a year, I would consider that long enough—especially since you were also staying in the same house. If it were a boyfriend she met a month ago, or if I were sending my kids to a sleepover without being there, I would be more worried. Now that you’ve gotten to know him a little bit, do you feel more comfortable?

If the man was decent he would never had stayed and given you respect and space.

I think you’re completely right.

i had a similar ish situation when my DD was invited to a sleepover at her best friends house. Her mum and I are very close and I had no issues with her sleeping there…but she decided to allow her VERY new boyfriend to sleep the same night. She’s usually incredibly strait laced and was recently divorced at the time. I had absolutely no only whatsoever that he would be there until I picked DD up in the morning. I was livid, mostly because she didn’t mention it at all so I had no option to safeguard my child in the way I saw fit. I told her and she was similarly offended that I’d think that of her new partner and also felt I was accusing her of not taking the children’s safety seriously.

as background my eldest daughter was sexually abused by her best friends dad so it’s not an abstract concept to me & something I feel very passionately about, which I think she knows really and was possibly why she didn’t mention it.

That's a good point, I hadn't thought of it.
I'm surprised he didn't feel awkward staying over while you were there.

Bit odd that he was invited to stay over at the same time as you anyway. I’d be annoyed at my mum for that. Her being offended is bonkers.

People are not necessarily saying OP's mum should do these checks. They are saying that without them she definitely cannot say with any certainty that her new partner is safe around children.

Totally with you on this and you did the right thing. I have a similar situation with my mum and her partner.

The general gist of it to me was that they were suggesting it as an option. It happens a lot on Mumsnet. I just thought I would point out that it can't be used as a general background check and should only be requested if there is actual evidence and genuine concern not just curiosity. I see it so often on here.

Well done for being cautious with your children. Too many people override their inner caution just to avoid offending others. There's nothing more important than protecting children. Let people be offended!! I don't care if it's family or anyone else.

Your mother makes bad decisions, don’t trust her.

Trust yourself.

How would her mum know? Predators dont announce it. Theres risk with any adults, but non blood relations (ie you havent grown up with them and seen that they didnt try it with you) are a higher risk.
It is a depressingly high amount of men who are predators, and they are often the nice men who seem to be great with children...

It seems I'm going against the grain here but I would trust my mum's judgement and not worry about it, why does everyone assume everyone is an abuser these days? My mum is a good judge of character though so maybe that makes a difference and I know she wouldn't put her own grandchildren at risk and would have got to know the person well enough before inviting her family stay whilst he's there.

As a person who was groomed and sexually abused by the male partner of my grandmother, who she'd known for years before they entered a relationship, you are 100000% right to be cautious.

See the tricky thing is, my mum would have said exactly the same as you about her mother. I stopped over all the time and we had a great relationship.

Then she got into a relationship with someone she'd known for years and she thought was a great guy. Who then groomed and sexually abused me when I was 10-11 years old and convinced her I was jealous/confused/lying for her attention which meant she wouldn't testify in court and he got a lesser sentence.

You always think it only happens to 'other people' until it destroys your family.

Why on earth not?

This is inaccurate. The disclosure scheme is exactly for checking out new people in your, or your DCs lives. They don’t have to have done anything to justify you wanting to know. Otherwise all the lovely domestic abusers who don’t show their true colours until they’ve reeled you in wouldn’t qualify until he’d maybe battered you for the first time. Bit late then.

So while you can’t check out creepy Geoffrey over the road because he gives you the ick, you can if he is going to become your DCs new grandfather

It’s up to the police to decide if seeing the DC a few times a year fulfills this criteria but it’s worth asking. Obviously it’s still not foolproof and I wouldn’t take a lack of disclosure as meaning a patent can totally relax.

I’m astonished at the posters saying the OP should have told a white lie about the DC being unsettled or giving her space just to save her mother’s feelings. If she can’t see this is not about insulting the integrity of her OH but about safeguarding her own DGC then she’s a very silly woman. He may be a lovely man but I’d never assume because he doesn’t give off pedo vibes (whatever they may be)

I'm confused by SO MANY responses here saying you should not have been honest with your mother. WTF.

What kind of sad families do some people have where you cannot be honest with your own mother about your feelings about the safety of your children. In my eyes, that is a cold, damaged relationship.

And frankly, she SHOULD be confronted with the reality of the situation SHE caused. She didn't need to have him overnight that night.

Totally reasonable. I had a different but slightly similar situation some years ago that some family members still have resentment with me over.
My two very young daughters traveled 4.5 hours to stay with their aunty and cousin for the first time and it wasn't until they got home that I heard about 'uncle Rob' who had been there throughout their entire holiday, reading them their bedtime stories, taking them to the theme park, etc etc.
My aunt had introduced them to her boyfriend that I didn't even know existed, and when I expressed how hurtful and alarming that was, I got tons of abuse from both of her parents, my grandparents calling g me a monster for suggesting her lovely partner is a pedo (which I never did.)

They went on to have a child of their own and get married and he does seem like a great guy. I have never left my kids with her again though, despite them having a fab time, nor with my grandparents, because such a stunning lack of being able to put your own opinions out of the way and put the needs of a child first shows me all I need to know.

Travelling a few hours with young children for a rare visit to my mum - and mum thinks ideal time for her new boyfriend to be there too? Nah, I’ll pass thanks

YANBU and you absolutely have the right to choose what feels best for you and your DCs without being made to feel guilty.

😨

You did nothing wrong!

That's not what I've been informed or what I see when I research it. There has to be sufficient reason for concern. The police will ask for details on why the application is being made and why the applicant believes the person may be a danger. "Just in case because they're a new person in their lives" isn't considered sufficient reason.

You are correct.

This is an area I work in.

You did the right thing. It's worrying that your mum doesn't think so. You're not saying you think he's a pedo, you're saying you've got no idea if he is or not, which is true.
We stopped our 3yr old having sleepovers at her nannys when she got a new bf. MIL was horrified and said 'he's got grandchildren!!!' Like that makes a difference 🤣