Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

YANBU. When it comes to child safety, politeness and pandering to people so you don’t cause offence goes out the window. Tell your mom until you get to know this fella that will be the way it is. If your mum is unhappy about this, you could stay in a hotel (and that might mean fewer visits because of the cost). I would have done the same as you.

So what you'd go home again just because he wax staying?

Nope.

OP knew beforehand

Geeez, how did your mum react? Assuming she dumped him when she found out?

As a Mother or Father, it is your job to protect your DC from the many predators that seem to be around ever corner. That means absolutely never wavering on your boundaries and protection of them.

Remember, she should never have put you in that position in the first place. It is she who is in the wrong here.

I would just explain that to her. That you are sure he is a nice bloke, and you are glad she is happy, but you don't know him and your DC are not staying in a house with a man they don't know. End of.

I have never let my DC have sleepovers with anyone except my PIL. I trust my FIL, but I also know that one toe out of line and my MIL would string up my FIL when it comes to her DGC. I've also never had sleepovers in my house, not because I don't trust my DH, but I don't want any misunderstandings. My DH used to have sleepovers at one friends when young, and the family dad went to jail for abusing 2 out of his 3 DC.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago about some trainee priest giving someones DD a £10 and not tell anyone. Here we have an example of what I see as women doubting, second guessing themselves and jumping to the default setting they have been conditioned to think, "well, I don't want to upset anyone".

As someone said upthread, it just takes one touch to ruin a child's life. You need to keep them safe at all times, and teach them to tell you what goes on in their lives.

I would actually tell your mum that you want to visit, and meet her BF, but you don't want him there when you are staying over. IMO this is fair enough, and if she was any kind of GM she would see this as fair.

But why lie? Hopefully he is just a nice normal man but we sadly have to consider the possibility that he might not be and take safety steps to protect against that. Maybe it will encourage OPs mum to take the rose tinted glssses off. Yes she knows him (somewhat) but he’s a stranger to OP and it’s reasonable for her to treat him as such.

You’re right OP but I wouldn’t let your guard down if you get to know him and he is nice.

Nice polite respected men abuse children, of the men I know who turned out to have child abuse images, you couldn’t have told them apart from other men.

I wouldn't have been worried about my kids having a separate room unless my instincts told me the man was a creep, in which case I would have been very worried about my mum too. Just putting my opinion here for balance as you might be getting a skewed picture of how others would react from the comments, which seem to all agree with you. I also don't mind letting friends of friends (of either sex) sleep in a spare bedroom, etc, and it happens quite often in my life. (I am 60- no bad experiences with nighttime assaults of any kind.)

People who answer threads like these are usually a self selecting group; that's why I am speaking up.

I wouldn't have been worried about my kids having a separate room unless my instincts told me the man was a creep, in which case I would have been very worried about my mum too. Just putting my opinion here for balance as you might be getting a skewed picture of how others would react from the comments, which seem to all agree with you. I also don't mind letting friends of friends (of either sex) sleep in a spare bedroom, etc, and it happens quite often in my life. (I am 60- no bad experiences with nighttime assaults of any kind.)

People who answer threads like these are usually a self selecting group; that's why I am speaking up.

This

My thoughts too

It’s sad that men are such a risk to women and children. Quite a few examples on here too where people have been abused by a partner of a family member.

YANBU & it sounds like she was pushing for a reason - when she probably knew all along why.

I would also be concerned about this man trying to move in to a big house. What is his house like? Does he have his own children? Your could suddenly announce she is getting married & then he owns half the big house & leaves it to his own children. He could well be using your Mum.

This is often my check question too, but substitute ‘Doctor in A&E’ for a coroner. Puts things in a different light!

No you did absolutely the right thing your children's safety comes first .

No, agreed, but sometimes WE get a gut instinct that warns us.

@Trallers if your mum wanted you to meet him, that’s no issue at all, he could come over for the day etc etc.

i absolutely understand your concerns and the fact that she was so defensive is worrying. I think if I was in your situation and she said he’d be staying, I’d be rearranging the trip.

”ah, ok mum, if you’re busy with your boyfriend, we’ll rearrange for a time when you’re free. I’m not comfortable sleeping in a house with a strange man I’ve never met.”

@Trallers said they have known each other for a year, part of which was online only. Her DM has known this guy for a few months only.

it takes on average 2 years for an abusive male to show themselves, its absolutely possible that this guy could be a predator, he could just be on the make for the house/money, or he could be genuine.

i think if he were, he’d have let @Trallers have her family stay without crashing it.

the tack taken by her DM, the pressing for information to be offended about IS worrying, as it’s designed to confront @Trallers and potentially get her to back down and dismiss her concerns. Something smells off.

If you are that cautious, which many people would be you shouldn't have visited until you knew the BF better or had the conversation with your Mum ahead of time that perhaps he could stay at his place for the duration of your first visit. tackling it like you did, calling his reliability into doubt, with the visit mostly done was bound to cause offence- you knew of the issue at the beginning and should have tackled it then.

I'd have done the same as you, and just like you, I'd have been honest about why if she asked. If have tried not to hurt her feelings, but I wouldn't make up a white lie.

I'm baffled that so many people would do that. What use does it serve? Maybe your mum does need a dose of reality around safeguarding, and a white lie wouldn't have been helpful at all.

Good for you.

It's basic safeguarding, not an accusation of anything.

I had a DBS for work. It didn't mean they thought I was a paedophile. This is the same sort of thing.

This absolute bollocks of not wanting to cause offence does help paedos thrive though. Get over it.

I would far rather offend an innocent man than enable a situation where my kid gets molested because "I diDnT wAnT tO oFfEnD!"

100% - I would do the same. Almost feel like it’s a bit odd that your mum didn’t request the boyfriend go home while your kids were visiting but maybe that would be a bit much.

I remember being at a large family party when my 3 children were very young. It was in the middle of nowhere surrounded by land. There were many people there I didn't know at all. Tents had been put up on the land (in the dark) & it was suggested I put the children in one to sleep, so I could continue partying. It caused upset when I declined & opted to take them back with me to the hotel. Like I was being a party pooper & antisocial. As parents we know what is & isn't safe for our children. Child abuse is rife as are good, decent, upstanding people. It's not for us to gamble our children on who is who.

I find it fascinating how many people agree with OP (I do too!) but on other threads about sleepovers, parents who refuse them are called controlling helicopter parents! Your child’s friend’s dad isn’t any safer to be around your children than this man, but we’re all no fun if we don’t allow our children to sleep over in other men’s houses with us potentially miles away.