Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

Same as you. But (and hindsights 20/20 I know) I think I'd have gone with "it's not fair on Derek to have to share the bathroom with the DC so I'd feel better if they were in with us so i knew they werent disturbing you"
Tbh though, I'm surprised your mum couldn't see your way was the appropriate one. I certainly would have in her shoes. It's not about suspecting people is it? Its about privacy for everyone around unfamiliar people.

you made the right call. Even the most trusted men in our lives can betray us, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take precautions.

How old are the DCs?

Tbf I would probably do this even if they were teens but if they were teens I’d have considered letting them have the en-suite large bedroom and me and DH having one of the other bedrooms.

But I don’t think you did anything wrong and you can never be too careful.

Its not just about him being a predator but it’s just uncomfortable for young kids to wake up in the middle of the night and bump into a random man.

I’d be more pissed off that she thought it was acceptable to have him stay over when her family are visiting.

Her boundaries seem weak and I wouldn’t trust her to maintain them around the kids.

I completely agree and would see him staying and the mum allowing it as a massive red flag.

I wouldn’t trust the children around the mum anymore as I don’t think she enforces strong enough boundaries.

You absolutely did the right thing OP
You cannot be too careful.
My mum has been with her "he's not my boyfriend" person for about 3 years now. He comes to Christmas dinner, I spend a coule of hours with him around once a week. I feel I know him pretty well.
I would STILL exercise caution with my DD being around him because even though I am 99% certain he's fine and have even had a Sarah's law and Claire's law done on him, you just never know. Abused is almost always carried out by a known and trusted person.

Well done OP on your excellent parenting x

She invited her new boyfriend over on one of the few visits her daughter makes due to the long distance

She then gets very offended and pissed off with you because you wanted your children to sleep in with you whilst a man who you (or indeed you mum come to think of it) hardly know.

Can’t say I’d be rushing to visit her again

If pedo vibes was a reliable way to catch child sex offenders it wouldn't be so depressingly widespread.

I'd be very concerned OP that he's already semi moved in when your Mum owns a large home. Is she vulnerable or does she have her head screwed on?

I ask because my Mum had a never ending trail of no hopers at one stage. One even stole her car, and she wouldn't report him for it as he had young kids. I washed my hands of it in the end, but she never had my DC overnight as I just didn't trust her judgement around men.

I am stunned that nobody has quoted this to question why your mum is married to him? Was she not so disgusted that she divorced him? I am sorry to be so blunt but I am flabbergasted.

I’d have done the same. I understand it’s not nice for your mum to have to consider the worst, but she needs to be realistic and understand that it’s not personal. It’s not like you met him and then decided to do this. You had decided beforehand and would have done it no matter who she was dating.

I think it was odd that she questioned your choice but it was extremely rude of you to tell her why you did it. You could easily have said something else eg the kids are a bit clingy at the moment or one of them is having nightmares at the moment or anything that would have avoided insulting your mother's hospitality. It's absolutely fine to have your kids in with you but if you can't see how it was rude to tell your mum why, then you need to do a bit of work on yourself.

I think it's weird her boyfriend had to stay whilst you were visiting. Surely he could've stayed at his own place and just met up with you socially occasionally?

She should be agreeing with you. The fact she is offended shows she would be blind to any issues.

Exactly.

step grandparents and parents are amongst
highest proportion of perpetrators

He’s a stranger and you can’t risk the what if

you need to protect your kids and you did

why he had to stay when had own place is beyond me

be there. Meet you. Go out for the day/have meals etc all fine

but then go back to his place

how old are kids but age regardless you did the right thing

You were right. No need go visit again if your DM doesn’t like it. These things DO happen and the children’s safety comes first.

My friend pressured me into her staying over at ours with her partner (she lives in a different country so I’d never met him).

They had a toddler and I had a baby under 1 and a 4 year old.

I found the partner in my 4 year old’s bedroom telling him to be quiet so as not to wake up their toddler!! Not saying he had bad intentions but it truly shocked me and I’ll never do it again. Kids come first always and if your mum can’t understand that, that’s her problem.

I would’ve done the same thing and felt very uncomfortable with my children staying under the same roof as a strange man

You are 10000% right. It's surprising that your mum as a parent herself cannot understand that

It would have been better if the bf had slept in his own house while you were there . Just come over during the day to get to know you .

Of course and this is part of what I mean. We would probably all go ‘oh noo, of course not my Jeremy, he’s harmless!’. We like to think we know for sure, but Jeremy might not be harmless

I would have felt like you did, but I wouldn't have told my mother the real reason - easy enough to make up a reason like the children had been unsettled recently or you didn't want to disturb her.

I would question what you are going to do in the future though. You clearly live some distance away from your mother and see her infrequently, so how are you going to get to the point where you do feel comfortable with her partner?

I think it's a bit crap she got him to stay over st the same time she introduced him, it's always awkward getting to know someone at the same time as staying over...its not really nice bumping into someone you've only just met, coming out of your bathroom, or in their nightwear, or in the middle of the night/ when you've just woken up. I don't like it and I wouldn't put my kids in this position either.

You’re absolutely right. I am not even sure I would have wanted to stay over there at all whilst that man was in the house.

Of course, I didn’t mean it literally. I think we all like to think we’ve chosen well and our partner isn’t a pedo but in reality, like you say, not having “pedo vibes” doesn’t mean anything