Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

I think you absolutely did the right thing and I would do the same too. You don’t know this man whatsoever and your mum should understand that. Our number one priority is to protect our children, regardless of who that may offend.

Perfectly reasonable that you felt it was better to keep your kids in the room with you if you don’t know your mum’s partner very well yet.

I wouldn’t have told my mum the reason though. You’re not in the wrong but I don’t think anyone really wants to be told you think their boyfriend could be a predatory paedophile, do they? Any one of your own close friends or relatives is no less likely to be a danger than your mum’s boyfriend is; the fact that you might have known (eg) your own friends and in-laws longer than your mum’s boyfriend doesn’t mean your mum’s boyfriend is more likely to be a danger than the are. So from your mum’s point of view, it probably very much looked like you were singling her boyfriend out.

As I say - you’re not wrong to feel it was better to have the kids in the room with you, but I don’t think there was any reason for you to tell your mum the reason you were doing it.

Yanbu, and to be honest a partner of only one year should he staying at their own house overnight when relatives are staying.

Not even a year. That year includes all their initial chatting

step grandad to my daughter for 16 years…. Sent her a WhatsApp message with details of how she coukd put a condom on his Willy .
she has bpd and autism . She showed me the message, I spoke to mother in law, who described it as banter . No contact now for 4 years . I would do prison time for both , happily …. You just never know someone like you think you do !

I wouldn't have told her why tbh as it was bound to create waves.

The poll has closed but I would agree with what you did. I would have thought he’d have understood too.

OMG that’s horrendous. So sorry for your daughter but well done her for telling you.

" I know that I wouldn’t choose a man with pedo vibes, so I’d feel like the person didn’t trust my judgement "

With respect, I also trusted my (now ex) husband of 7 years implicitly and never ever once did he give off 'paedo vibes' until the day the police came to our door and informed me of what he'd been doing online. There are no such thing as 'paedo vibes' and anyone can be left in the dark if the person is good enough at hiding that part of themselves. If you think your internal alarm system will go off and are relying on that then you're being naieve unfortunately.

Op you did absolutely the right thing and your mum put you all in an unfair position by having him stay without discussing it with you. I would have done the same as you and if she didn't like it then I would question why she's unaware of the risks.

I'm so sorry, that's horrendous.

It's completely different because of the level of access he'd have to the children staying overnight in the came house though. Very different than other male friends they may see once in a while for an hour or two with parents present. The issue is the vulnerability created by the arrangements not the level of safety of the man in question because as you point out there's never a way to know that for sure.

You are correct in your thinking. A child's innocence cannot be retrieved , once destroyed. If you can save ONE CHILD from danger then you need congratulating. No Normal thinking Adult would challenge this. This weird attitude of your parent is A Red Flag ( every person on Earth should Love my partner or else !!!!!!)...A child's safety should not be up for negotiation surely ?????? No room for error here. Best get dome DOOR BOLTS next time, that's what I would do. You cannot be TOO careful. What if a burglar broke in.

No way do you have children @Parsleyforme

I don't think you were tactless at all. You were brilliant at what you needed to be, and that is looking after your family.

Even if the chance of this man hurting one of the children is tiny (statistically, it's not) the harm that they would suffer IF something happened is far greater than your mum's or her new boyfriend's possibly hurt feelings or bruised ego over your refusal to knowingly take that chance. They're mature adults; neither one of them should be taking it personally. And I agree with a PP that assuming the boyfriend's own place is close by and he doesn't even spend every night at your mum's, he perhaps should have slept at his own place while you were visiting.

I applaud you for prioritising the safety of your children of the feelings of a man you don’t even know and your idiot mother.

I have worked with numerous children who have been victims to abuse and sadly one of the children had been raped by grandmas boyfriend. Rapists creep into children’s rooms at night, it happens all the time. Please slap your idiot mother from me.

You did absolutely the right thing and do not ever question yourself or anytime you make a decision to put the safety of your children first,

This 100%

Great parenting, IMO.

You know nothing of this man or his background.

Your DM is being ridiculous.

Her liking him does not make him less likely to be a wrong 'un.

Better safe than sorry. ALWAYS.

You are right to think this, but whatever posessed you to say that to your mum?
Surely, anybody with a grain of emotional intelligence would have foreseen this would cause offence!

I know that I wouldn’t choose a man with pedo vibes

Most pedo's don't give out vibes. Their friendly, articulate, popular, kind, charming

I've stayed single all of my DC's childhood because I'm so frightened of meeting a predator. He wouldn't announce he was a threat, they go out of their way to make sure people like them

A couple of years ago my sister had a boyfriend who was really popular, charming, friendly - he was really nice. One day he just disappeared and it turned out he had been sent to prison for abusing his cousins when he was a late teen / they were young children

He's so charming and friendly that even now, half his family and friends are divided on whether he did it or not

So do I.

Agree .

I’m surprised someone in a relatively new relationship doesn’t keep the big room and en suite for themselves.

Personally I don’t feel it was appropriate for him to be there at all. But if she wanted you to meet him then he should have come for dinner and gone back to his own house. No need for him to stay. I would have done the same as you. Actually I’d have probably booked a hotel

Omg! Dis your mum marry him before she found out he was a child sex offender? Are they still together? Do you have a relationship with them?
OP- you were right to keep your kids close when a stranger is there overnight. Your mum is wrong to be offended. I probably wouldn’t stay in her house tbh.