Sleeping arrangements at mum's have caused offence.

[Trallers]

This happened recently and I've unfortunately caused offence. I am wondering if others would feel the same or if it's me being excessively cautious. I strongly suspect the former though!

I live a several hours from my mum so all visits involve overnights. The most recent time we (me plus DH and 2 DC) went to stay she had a new boyfriend who she had met online and he had semi-moved in. He does own his own place but staying at hers/his for chunks or time means they can spend more time together. I'd known about him for the months preceding but had never met him until our visit. The offence was caused re sleeping arrangements. She has 5 bedrooms. There is one huge bedroom with an ensuite to the right when you get to the top of the stairs (it's one of those split staircases where it branches right and left) and me and DH normally stay here. To the left are four more bedrooms and a main bathroom. Sometimes the children stay in wirh us in the big room but more recently they've been.using the other bedrooms and sleeping nearer to Nan.

On this occasion I said they'd sleep with us. My reasoning was the random man who'd be using the same bathroom and sleeping near my kids, a way from us. I had no reason to suspect him of anything, it's just that I had never met him. My mum had only known him for a year, and part of that was online chat. I said nothing of this to her, just said I thought we'd all sleep in the big room this time if that was OK. She said it was, but then pushed me later when the visit was nearly over. I ended up saying that I'd just be more comfortable having them sleep away from us once I'd got to know him myself, that I was probably being silly (although i dont think i was) but I just wanted to be super cautious etc. And now she's very unhappy with me for thinking of him that way which I find a bit rich. We don't know him, don't expect us to behave like we do! We've been nice to him, included him in everything and in conversations. It's just the sleeping arrangements that I was firm about and that's caused great offence.

How would others feel?

You did good! Sorry your mum doesn't get it.... I once had a situation where I lived with a man and 3 women. The man was away for the weekend and let his homeless male collegue live in his room. The boyfriend of one of the girls (who often stayed) stayed over to make sure we were ok. Man genuinely had no clue why 3 girls would struggle with strange man that he trusted. He cared about us and would never have done it if he thought man would pose a risk, but genuinely was slightly naively trusting and didn't see the problem!

Let her take offence all she likes🙄.
You 100% did the right thing.

You sound brilliant and definitely were right to protect your children

Yes but a bit concerning you seem to be doubting yourself op?!

I agree with this. Meet him yes, but he should be respectful of the small amount of time you have together and given you more space.

YANBU, unless the drip feed is that your DC are 20.

You did the right thing. Your mum shouldn't have questioned it. I would ask her why she questioned it because if the new boyfriend was pushing around this, that's a huge red flag.

You were cautious of a stranger and rightly so. Never apologise for keeping your children safe x

I wouldn't say I was doubting myself, I was very confident in my decision and will do the same every time I visit if he's staying despite what i said to her. I wasn't sure if it was a typical response though, and wondered whether others would be more relaxed.

Yoy know that paedos don't necessarily have "vibes", right? That's a comforting fiction. The reality is you'd have no idea.

YANBU. I am a grandmother who until recently had my partner (now XP) living with me . On the occasions I had my GD to sleep over she and I shared the spare room to reassure my DD that her daughter was closely supervised. I had absolutely no reason to feel concerned about my XP and we split for totally unrelated reasons but it was important to me that my DD felt confident that her wishes were respected. My XP was understanding of this too.

I think you’re right and I would have done the same. You’ve done right by your children even though it’s been tricky with your mum. Well done.

I think you are spot on. I obviously don't know about your dad but i would put to my mum that would she have had a strange man around you when you were small.

maybe she did.

i did the same thing with my mum many moons ago.

her eventual husband turned out to make a wonderful grandad but i do not regret my caution.

my mum got over it

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all. You just never know. Your mum certainly doesn’t know him well enough either.

One of DHs friends, who I had known for years as well is currently doing 16 years for abusing 2 young girls. If I’d been asked about him, I would have said no never. He’s a great bloke. I would also have happily left my 2 dds with him. Thank God that never happened and I never had cause to but I trusted him.

Could you split up to use two rooms but have one adult in each ? Just seems a more comfortable solution than four in one bedroom

Yeah if your mum raises it as an issue again just ask her if she has done a Clare’s law or Sarah’s law on him? Or even googled him. Bet she hasn’t but still wants this lovely man she has only known a year to sleep over in a home with your grandchildren 🙈

100% this! It would have been more appropriate.

YANBU

my mum has a new boyfriend of about 6 months and has suggested she and him take my 14 month old out for the day, I said no way !!! She was also offended but I don’t care, we have to protect our children

Hope she's aware of the word Cocklodger. I also find it odd he has to stay over, why can't he say hello and go back to his. Sounds controlling.

You were right but I would not have said that to your Mum.

I agree he could be anyone

Your mum needs to accept that she can make a risk assessment for herself, but she is not entitled to do so for your children. Like others, I would probably not have stayed there if he was staying overnight.

But I was molested as a child by a neighbour, so I know that perfectly nice seeming people walk amongst us who also molest children. My DH and FiL would not have been offended by this - they would infact have stayed elsewhere in full anticipation that a partner’s DD and DGC might be uncomfortable with his presence.

I think you’re absolutely within your right to think this way but was there any need to voice it. You could have still had the children sleep in your room but told a white lie to your mum that you were doing it to give her and her boyfriend more privacy.

I would think you were being excessive. I get where you are coming from but the idea that you think you have a super power that can detect paedophiles is silly. Either you never have your children around this man (or any other man) or you decide to take that risk and trust people. Your kids will be at play dates and involved in activities, they will be exposed to people and you cannot control what happens. It's just something to think about in future. If he moves in permanently are you going to stop visiting your mother? I get why your Mum is offended but at the same time I think she needs to get over it. having him stay the same night as you arrived is a bit unfair, she should've been focusing on her family and maybe introducing him but having him go home.

I've been watching a few too many old episodes of love rats uk, but do keep an eye on mum. Totally reasonable. Also considerate really to take up less space with a new guest in the place.