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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

302 replies

ladyrushford · 09/04/2026 21:35

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

OP posts:
WoollyandSarah · 09/04/2026 22:15

I'm another one who thinks you should send the money back and make it clear that you won't be sharing any medical information about your DC (or yourself).

My DM occasionally oversteps the mark as she has access to a shared calendar that I try to remember no to put anything interesting in, but occasionally I mess that up. She has an intense curiosity, particularly about medical things, and given what she tells me about other people, I know she'd share things that I wouldn't be happy with.

Whenever she oversteps, I am very clear with her that this isn't ok and I think it holds her at bay for a while.

Acheyelbows · 09/04/2026 22:16

Have you already sent it? I would refuse and tell them it is a confidential document for parents and guardians only.

If they refuse to pay, so be it.

partmermaidpartplant · 09/04/2026 22:19

AggroPotato · 09/04/2026 21:38

You have a husband problem.

Read him the riot act and stop taking their money.

It's your son's private medical information. They don't need to see it.

Yeah this -

um
it won’t get better. He is putting his parents first.

is this what you want long term?

set up a group chat with them and DH and say that all family decisions will be agreed there, by both of you.

if not then go see a lawyer as it will be very messy in the end. When your MIL went to the therapist direct - she’s got NO boundaries.

SixtySomething · 09/04/2026 22:20

You can ask the therapist to redact the bits that are about you.

ModestlyPrudent · 09/04/2026 22:21

@ladyrushford I can’t understand why they would want to see it, unless they may doubt what the money will actually be used for. Has there been any reason in the past that they don’t trust you or your DH?

853ax · 09/04/2026 22:23

Absolutely no way, I would go as far as them hand the money in cash and say no I'm happy to pay for this. Also mention I am not sharing my son's private medical information
I would be against husband running to them to get stuff paid.

CatJump · 09/04/2026 22:24

Just redact the parts about you, cover that paragraph with a piece of paper, photocopy the rest and give it to them.
Ive shared all medical details with both sets of grandparents, they are involved and caring and I can imagine I would also be the same with being interested in how any potential grandchildren were in the future are doing in the same way people feel about their own children.

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/04/2026 22:24

Pay them back and tell them they are not viewing your family's private medical information. Share the treatment plan if you think it's useful that they practise the same strategies as you.

Pistachiocake · 09/04/2026 22:25

I actually would share reports like this with all the family who are involved-one boy in the family has a medical condition, and reading the reports his parents sent have helped me communicate with him (it's not SL, but similar enough to be relevant). I have to use different techniques if I read with him compared to what I use with my own kids, so it is important that I know if I am spending time/babysitting him. Not because I am nosy-because any adult with him should help.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/04/2026 22:26

WoollyandSarah · 09/04/2026 22:15

I'm another one who thinks you should send the money back and make it clear that you won't be sharing any medical information about your DC (or yourself).

My DM occasionally oversteps the mark as she has access to a shared calendar that I try to remember no to put anything interesting in, but occasionally I mess that up. She has an intense curiosity, particularly about medical things, and given what she tells me about other people, I know she'd share things that I wouldn't be happy with.

Whenever she oversteps, I am very clear with her that this isn't ok and I think it holds her at bay for a while.

Agree
I'd "refund" them.

Its intrusive and honestly... not normal.
Its controlling / some kind of narc behaviour

pizzaHeart · 09/04/2026 22:27

I don’t think they want this report for useful recommendations. It’s clearly a control thing on their side because they paid. I also suspect they don’t trust your parenting skills and want to shift blame on you. Otherwise you would have a very different conversation.

I absolutely understand your problem OP, when we had DD’s SLT assessment there were a lot of questions about family medical history, pregnancy and birth and most of info ended up in the final report, I was actually quite surprised by it. No way I would share it with my in laws, and I wouldn’t share it with my parents as well as I wouldn’t trust them not to comment or gossip with other relatives.

I would print out recommendations and share them. However I wouldn’t do it as a respond to their demand, I wouldn’t entertain any demands in this situation. I would ask SLT to make a list of recommendations so you could share it with relatives, reception, childminder, after school club and similar. I would also pay in laws back.
You have a huge DH’s problem. You can’t trust him and it’s so bad.
I would read him a riot act and I would follow it. His priorities should be with his child.

Parsleyforme · 09/04/2026 22:29

Did she honestly think she could just email a professional who works with children saying she is related to that child and expect them to send over the report? Not only overstepping and entitled to go above your head but also quite dim!

BotterMon · 09/04/2026 22:29

Does nobody actually read anymore? 3 pages of do this, redact that. She's already shared the bloody report!

You have a DH problem. You say this isn't the first time similar has happened. Tell him it's the last time and any further running to mummy and daddy will result in him being single.

Original poster
ladyrushford · 09/04/2026 22:30

Oh God no, I’d never ever ‘steal’ from them! I mean, I get on ok with them but I’m not the favourite daughter in law so maybe they don’t trust me? I’ve never thought of it like that because I’ve never personally asked them for anything but DH has, on many occasions (it’s always been for the kids, if that makes it any better). So maybe they’re double-checking?? My husband must have given them the therapists details because she emailed the invoice directly to them, I was cc’d in. I didn’t realise they’d paid it until I was asking the husband if he’d heard anything from the therapist. Which makes me sound super nglectful or avaricious ha ha!!

But this is how I feel because I don’t understand why they’d want to read the report anyway. We haven’t even started therapy sessions yet.

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 09/04/2026 22:32

OakElmAsh · 09/04/2026 21:38

Pay her back what they've paid, and respect your son's privacy and keep the report to yourseld

Yes this

You're in a pickle now OP because you have allowed, albeit your husband arrnaged it, for the grandparents to essentially be the customer. They have commissioned the service

However anyone holding personal information about a client/service user as a business or organisation has a duty to manage that information securely and cannot share it with people who are not entitled to it or they would be breach confidentiality

Pay for the sessions, the report, the intervention. Take control back

Golch · 09/04/2026 22:33

ladyrushford · 09/04/2026 21:46

I didn’t think of this, truthfully, but also it’s a locked password protected document so I imagine it can only be edited by the therapist. The therapist has already told them no, they can’t have it but my husband insists they have a right as they’ve ‘paid’ for it and it’s ’the only way for ds to get the therapy.’ I mean we both work and earn ok money between us so I’m not sure that’s true but he’s gone behind my back - again - and made an arrangement. He does this a lot and I’m so fed up with it.

Show quote history

Print it out. Tippex out the bits that you don’t want them seeing. Then photocopy or scan to PDF the edited version.

or. Just say no!

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 09/04/2026 22:34

Massive problem. They thibk money buys them a level of access to your lives.
Say no.
Say thank you for paying
Separate the 2 things.
Make sure you husband is on board.
Don't doubt yourself.
Sort it or they will be intruding into your lives constantly and forever more. You really need to mark some boundary.

Ps. It doesn't read that they are interested from.a health perspective, or have asked if he's ok or if theres anything they can help with. More that because they've paid, they somehow "own" the report. You need to nip that entitlement in the bud. Don't expect it to be easy. But do it.or you'll be doomed to keep having this problem. They are not your keepers. If they gift you money, maybe start refusing it if its always going to have these terms attached to it. Who wants that ? You'll have no privacy at all if you start consenting to this kind of access to your lives. It isn't their report. Paying for it doesn't mean its theirs.

Original poster
ladyrushford · 09/04/2026 22:35

Parsleyforme · 09/04/2026 22:29

Did she honestly think she could just email a professional who works with children saying she is related to that child and expect them to send over the report? Not only overstepping and entitled to go above your head but also quite dim!

Yes. Yes she does.

Don’t get me started 🙈

OP posts:
Whettlettuce · 09/04/2026 22:37

Your husband is enmeshed, i was married to a man like this. I didn't know the extent of what his mother paid for and lies he told until I started divorce proceedings. Almost every single thing in the house was brought by his mother. Eg- washing machine broke, husband ordered a new one ,tumble dryer the same but it was all paid for by his mother. You get the picture. For years this went on, but just remember your husband is more than likely spinning his mother a yarn about you in order to get them to pay and get involved . Get your ducks in row because you'll need them very soon

popcornandpotatoes · 09/04/2026 22:38

Hmm, it would never have occurred to me to not talk about this kind of thing with my own parents, especially with my mum who was well read and very interested in medical things. On that basis, if DH parents wanted to see it also it wouldn't bother me. But I guess it depends on your relationship with them

PracticalPolicy · 09/04/2026 22:40

ladyrushford · 09/04/2026 22:35

Yes. Yes she does.

Don’t get me started 🙈

Show quote history

The professional said no. So that's your line: the therapist has said she won't give you the report and I respect her wishes. If I go against the therapist that is a breach of courtesy and she may decline to see DC again. I am not giving you the report.

Aaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh · 09/04/2026 22:40

No, it is your DC’s private medical information. If there is a section on how relatives/contacts can help, share that. Not private medical things.

likelysuspect · 09/04/2026 22:40

popcornandpotatoes · 09/04/2026 22:38

Hmm, it would never have occurred to me to not talk about this kind of thing with my own parents, especially with my mum who was well read and very interested in medical things. On that basis, if DH parents wanted to see it also it wouldn't bother me. But I guess it depends on your relationship with them

Yes, also as someone who might be commissioning a service from a therapist, you want to know whether she is any good, what is she diagnosing or analysing or making of the situation, what are her recommendations, are you happy to continue with this person or do you need to seek someone else

But personally thats why OP needs to say that they will be the customer/client rather than the inlaws

caringcarer · 09/04/2026 22:41

Black out bits about your personal medical history.

Endofyear · 09/04/2026 22:42

I would give them the money back and tell them that your son's medical reports are private and they have no right to see it. I'd also be warning your husband that if he doesn't stop going behind your back to his parents, he won't be your husband for much longer!