AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

Well done @ladyrushford

I am happy you have found a way to do damage limitation.

Have you had a chance to talk to DH very honestly about this, as yes, this IS the stuff that does kill marriages.

It might be an unpopular opinion but sometimes very wealthy and entitled family members can perhaps be more of a curse than a blessing - especially when they are not actually involved in a way that is more meaningful than just transferring money. It shifts dynamics and creates a weird sense of obligation / gratitude that at times feels uncomfortable.
Sigh

All the best to you, your DD and for chat with your DH (please do have this chat) and for the relationship with your in-laws going forward - hopefully the relationships will be more boundaried going forward.

💐

As a psychologist Im interested to find out if you are against parents who have no issue with sharing reports with grandparents who in my case both sides were literally amazing. They never asked although I would have had no problems if they did simply because they understandably loved & cared for my children like their own.I was always willing to involve them in every aspect of my children's upbringing. We were a team & it made for a far more harmonious family life.

If you want advice yourself I suggest you start your own thread but OP has been clear that they are not a ‘team’ with the grandparents showing keen interest in the grandchildren but instead this is another form of control through finances. The scenario you describe is not the OPs family situation so it’s irrelevant. Yes, it would be great if her PIL showed an interest, were generous without being intrusive or sought to support the OPs family but she has been clear this is an ongoing issue.

I have a wonderful set of PIL who are also wealthy and generous and we happily share medical/educational updates but they are active in our children’s lives, looking after them, nurturing them, protecting them and wanting their best interests at heart. But they demand nothing in return for this as that’s what fantastic grandparents do.

I think your dh us under a lot of pressure to divulge as a way of showing/proving how close they all are. I have similar in my family and if you even hint that they wont see certain things (school reports, diagnostic reports etc) it is taken as an insult and causes WWIII. It is still absolutely his problem to sort and I would tell him explicitly from now on that you will pay for your own childrens' healthcare etc. It takes a lot of work to weedle away from the habit, or going LC which is almost harder with people like this.

Can the therapist change the password on the document perhaps? Even if theyve already seen it, so long as they havent screenshot/printed it they can't prove anything they try and spread.

She has been trying for what sounds like a long time to 'communicate honestly' with her DH about his parents' involvement and how they use money to be involved.
The MIL, who has crossed boundaries by contacting the therapist direct to ask for confidential medical information without the OP's knowledge/permission , doesn't really sound as if she does have the 'intelligence & consideration required' to understand what is appropriate behaviour here.

There is a world of difference between parents willingly sharing their child's report themselves with grandparents and grandparents ringing up the psychologist without prior discussion or consent, wanting the psychologist to share a confidential report.
The first is perfectly fine, the second could land the psychologist with a malpractice complaint.

Do you really think it’s just a matter of better communication when it’s clear from OP’s posts that they pull this entitled rich parents shit all the time ? Absolutely nothing excuses either PiL or DH going against OP’s wishes. She is an equal parent and at the moment she’s being treated as though she has no opinion. That’s on her DH, who needs to step up and defend his family. If MiL is a gossip I can more than understand OP’s reluctance to share anything about her own family medical history if it’s likely to be shared with all and sundry.

If the cap fits they should wear it. It’s not a case of them being interested in their grandchild, it’s more ‘ I paid, I should see the report’. And from what OP says sharing it is risking MiL gossiping about confidential family medical history. It’s not on.

Has your DH read the report yet? Does he have the password? If not, and you're not sure you can trust him to not go behind your back, you might have to consider not even letting him have access.

If it's too late for that, sit him down and tell him very clearly that "this document contains my private medical information, and I am not giving you permission to share it with your parents". You don't have to frame it as a debate or something where you need his agreement. Nobody is entitled to share someone else's medical info without consent - even a spouse.

Communicate with the parents directly, don't rely on him to do it. When they next message, reply "We're not sharing the report, but (and give what info you're willing to)". Be factual and unapologetic. It's not a negotiation.

We are the same as you @ladyrushford

Our youngest DS is autistic and has ADHD and his SALT reports required full medical data on myself, my husband and siblings, including the details on birth type I had.

My son was diagnosed with multiple conditions and I spent a couple of hours going through both family histories with the NHS assessment team. I thought this was a standard NICE assessment across the UK.

Anyway well done OP. Stand up to this nonsense. They do not have the right to see your son's confidential information regardless off what they pay for.

What a strange and rather hostile question

Why on earth would someone 'be against' parents sharing a report with whoever they want to to support the child, by choice, without coercion.

Whoever has parental responsibility for the child can share reports with whoever they want. I would absolutely encourage that if it was what the family wanted and in the best interests of the child. Ideally, yes lots of people would be helpfully involved in their care and support. On the specific point of providing others with a diagnostic report- that’s just up to the person who is responsible for the child and the nature of what is included in the report.

However, professionals are of course bound by duty of care and GDPR, we would never just provide a report to someone who wasn’t a legal guardian.

Why would anyone need the full report to support a child? With school we shared only the part of the report which shows the requested adjustments and help required, they don't need the full medical history about birth and family health.

Also wider family - again, if really necessary, they can be told what help they can offer or what information is needed to understand a diagnosis. My PIL didn't need the report to understand the need to have a calm place to retreat when DD's autism meant she was overwhelmed or that she wears headphones on public transport as the noise level is too much. What would they gain from knowing how her birth went?

How would a child feel in 10 years when they realise that parts of the report about their health are talked about with anyone in the family if one member can't be trusted not to share details?

Its the childs private medical information so out of respect for the child it should only be shared with those who need to know.

Its not and never will be in the best interests of a child to share there private medical information with family so they can gossip about it.

My son is now a teenager and has needed huge amounts of medical and professional support due to disability. He is very aware we only ever share his medical or support needs with those who need to know and not with family because he knows they are gossips. He has thanked me for doing this because he has no desire to be the latest "family gossip". He also feels its his information to share. He is right.

Don't let them pay for reports typu dont wantvthem to see!

If you had read all OP's posts, you would know that her DH went behind her back to ask his parents to pay for the speech therapy and he is the one insisting that his parents have rights to see the report as they have paid for it. It's actually in the OP that her husband went to his parents without telling OP first.

I struggle to believe you didn’t think of redacting. That’s obvious surely? Or that the abridged report would be provided for other agencies and you could show them that. You are asking for advice after you’ve already done the thing you want advice about not doing, and didn’t seem to give it a whole load of thought prior to doing it.

She can say “no” though, can’t she?

I totally agree, hence why I said things to be shared in the best interests of the child. I personally wouldn’t choose to share with my family my child’s full report and would share summaries or recs but I have met hundreds of families who happily share full diagnostic reports with family, sometimes also as a way of helping family to reflect upon their own views or misconceptions about the young person. I think in my experience most people wouldn’t share the full report with the school and would instead share the summary document. I can’t really pass judgement on people choosing to share their reports, as long as it’s not malicious we have to trust that people chose to share what they feel is necessary in their specific circumstances.

Exactly- he doesn’t have the right to share his wife’s medical information, nor that of her wider family. Yet he doesn’t seem to understand this.

As others have suggested, perhaps paying for a report which only contains information about the child would be a solution.

YANBU. You have a DH problem. Your in-laws may kindly pay for sessions but that doesn’t give them a right to access all of the personal medical information that relates to your son and his parents. They are not his next of kin, they are simply funding the sessions.

Changing the password could possibly be an option if the document was available online somewhere which I am guessing its not. I assume it a document sent through email so once the recipient has received it you cant do anything to stop them opening it.

quite right the therapist drew the boundaries of medical confidentiality. This is the norm.

I understand that the GPs may wish to offer ££ support as a gift to get things started promptly. It is a gift & no more, not shares in a start-up or racehorse. It is to be freely given & no more. There is obligation beyond that.

The therapist push back is a prompt for yr husband to consider his own boundaries. I guess that he may need some coaching to grasp this. He's not that boy anymore, mummy cannot go through his school bag or under the mattress. He's a grown man with children & has duty of care for them.

Pay your own way as best you can.

If your children need urgent extra funding from gp then borrow the money from them with a repayment plan - keep it brisk & business-like.

If you are given to taking the piss, you might ask to see the grandparents's medical reports & their bank statements.

If they do, then they are hardened pros...😉