AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

No. The report contains your confidential information that you gave the therapist on the understanding it would be confidential. Your husband did not get your permission before asking his parents to pay and has absolutely no right to authorize sharing your confidential information or your child's with his parents. I would not consent to this and I would consider this divorce-worthy.

Yes just say no.
It's personal and not appropriate.

Actually its a bit odd to me that it would have your medical or your families medical history, my son had a severe s&l delay that was thought to be autism, he saw a SALT privately who was recommended by our NHS Paediatrician, he also had the ADOS by an NHS SALT and all the MDA diagnostic reports including ones from the private speech therapist and NHS and at no point was our family our mine / his fathers medical history asked for let alone reported on. Are you in a different country?

Anyway, re your report could you not ask the SALT for a sanitised or shortened version for your inlaws removing any sensitive information?

She may be able to do two reports but would charge for it

As the others here are saying, pay them back and say no. We have a ND child with a speech delay. Every one of his grandparents would disagree with the assessed diagnosis because times have changed. Mine would then talk about it to other people/family members, and I'd rather that be their story to share than a topic of gossip. Good on you for questioning this tbh.

Ive never seen a report or sat in on a S+L assessment or ND assessment (and Ive been present on probably around 40-50 of them) where a family medical history is not taken. Its poor practice if they dont.

Its not the finer details but it will include who is who, who had what, any history of x, y, z sort of thing.

I don’t think you should take money from them again. And if your husband doesn’t see this as an issue, I don’t think he should be in charge of these decisions. I was a bit on the fence until I saw she actually got in touch with the therapist directly - that’s crazy behaviour.

what this means for your marriage is the next question of course.

WHY does she want to see it? Can you ask her face to face?

Does she think you are going to withhold information about her GC? If so ask her directly why this would be an issue.

Why is that relevant? Are you saying that OP doesn’t have a choice in who she shares her, and her child’s, medical details with? If she’s comfortable sharing them with one person, then she should be happy to share with all? Or is this just some kind of sly ‘gotcha’ attempt?

Yeah. My daughter is autistic and not one of our parents ‘agrees’ that she is. I’ve had that conversation more times than I wanted to and I’m done now. We live overseas anyway so it doesn’t really matter what they think, we support her ourselves.

Assessment reports are your son’s. As parents we are custodians of that information but it belongs to him - it’s his life and his health. He’s too young to consent to share, so it’s private to his parents who can decide to share on a need to know basis. There are many things about my kids my wider family don’t know, because it’s their story, not mine. On that basis alone I’d be cutting any information going to grandparents, regardless of anything shared about you.

You've shared it now to keep the peace, you need to own that because the in laws know that if they kick up a stink, you’ll back down. I’d stop them paying for any further therapy, reinforce to the therapist that you’ll be paying going forward and take them out of the equation.

The conversation with your DH needs to be clear and unequivocal that he doesn’t ask his parents to underwrite your family life and that you both agree the extent to which private family information will be shared more widely.

My child’s dyslexia assessment has my medical details on. And my husband’s. Whether we have dyslexia and ADHD ourselves, even down to a C-section birth, and whether my child was premature or not.

How strange? My oldest son has DLD, diagnosed at 5, as well as ASD and other complex needs and every assessment report we’ve ever had done always asks for family and medical history from each parent, along with the pregnancy, the birth, early years etc. They give you this massive long questionnaire at first and then they use what is relevant to their own diagnostic processes. I’m not saying every single bit of info is used but I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen ‘assisted vaginal delivery’ on my older son’s assessments! 🙈

My younger son apparently doesn’t have DLD, more speech and phonological delays but a lot of my history and my first son’s history is considered relevant to my other son. I’m not even sure why they repeat it so much. All three of my kids are SEND, ND with various needs. It’s a bit of minefield at times.

We’re in the UK, by the way.

So, they don't want to pay for it to help you and your husband financially and for the well-being of their grandchild. They went to pay so they can be directly involved and know all the ins and outs. Gotchya.

Maybe beside the point but what are your concerns about ILs seeing the report?

The OP has clearly stated her concerns - private family medical history.

@ladyrushford as per other comments, I'd immediately bank transfer her over the money she paid to the therapist. Then I'd email the therapist and say all invoices are to come to you and MIL is not to be included in any communications. Then I'd read your wetwipe DH the riot act. How dare you undermine you like this. He's truly enmeshed and clearly cannot see how his mother uses her wealth to involver herself in others business, i.e. a form of control.

Absolutely let them read it, and while you're at it ask them for the funds to request your own medical notes going back to the day you married their son, and both of your DC's full medical notes from birth.

That should be a fair few crates of your personal information to wade through. When they're done with that perhaps they'd like to pay for your divorce and therapy. Obviously they can sit in the corner and observe all appointments. If you predecease them perhaps they would like to be present at your autopsy?

Yes this is completely standard, history about milestones, family relationships etc

Amazed some posters dont know this.

If it is anything like the reports we have for our DD, it will have things like our mental health history in it. We've also mentioned all of the neurodiversity across our wider families, which is normal as part of the diagnostic process, but also I wouldn't want my MIL sharing that my cousin has ADHD with her nail technician.

I think we also have to consider that our own DC deserve medical privacy. Whilst I know about my DDs' medical issues, they aren't mine to share, even with grandparents. I would probably tell them about broken bones, but most medical stuff is private.

Gosh it just goes to show how different the NHS can be in different parts of the country and whilst I also had an assisted v delivery it was certainly never asked about by the NHS Paediatrician, either private or NHS speech therapist and certainly not the specialist NHS nursery nurse.

No, don't do this. You need to draw a very firm boundary here - what they're asking for is totally inappropriate, and if they insist on it then you will be forced to return their money and pay for future sessions yourselves. Your son's therapy is not a product they can buy and assume ownership of.

Your ILS should definitely not have the report unless it is edited.
You need to have a firmer knowledge of you family finances. How can you just say ‘ I thought we were paying for it’. You should just know.

I’m more concerned by the lack of boundaries. First emailing the therapist, then wanting to read a report that will have little relevance for them. And there’s stuff on there I don’t want them to see, mostly about my own health journey. If I’d thought of redacting it, I would have done!!

I think op you need to ask your dh that if roles were reversed and this report also contained intimate medical and family information of his would he be fine with your mum and dad demanding to read it in full?

I actually would also have said exactly that to mil. I'm happy to share with you any recommendations made by SALT but the report itself contains my personal medical and family history as well as ds's and we would like to keep that part private. I'm sure you understand. I'll send you a copy of the rest tomorrow though and i really appreciate how keen you are to support ds. The more adults he has investing in the plan the better. Change subject.

I think ultimately op you're going to need to put on some big girl pants here and deal with mil directly because your dh has shown he doesn't want to do anything differently.

I think though I would actually be booking some marriage counselling sessions and discussing that while HE may be happy to share everything with his parents, you and your dc also have the right to decide what's kept private within your immediate family. As in you and dh and noone else. This will become even more important as your kids get older so being able to mediate that now will be helpful. He needs to be checking with you first and then you agree together how much/ what is shared when it impacts more than just dh. Especially as your mil sounds like she has form for overstepping.

It's hard because your dh is probably just doing what he's always done because it's what he's always known and he's probably been railroaded into that over the years and thinks it's the norm. So you can't expect that dynamic to change overnight (at least not without causing real issues) but mediation/ counselling around the boundaries you and dc need and his role in protecting you is probably a good place for you to start.

My DS has had years of therapies from age 6. I would never share what's in reports as it's his private information - his age doesn't matter. He's 13 now and no one would insist now!! My (abusive, controlling) MIL never paid, but pushed to be involved in the therapies as she 'had things to contribute'. Made a right fuss & tantrum about it. I said no. Typically, DH tried to make me let her for an easy life, and had convinced himself she did have value. I said no. End of. And no sharing of information. MIL would have spread the info throughout the family, too.

I think you need to approach it as a no - it's DS's private medical info. You're happy to repay the money. And tell your DH if he shares it anyway you'll happily share his medical info with your parents.... That usually works. It's beyond me why a young child's privacy isn't respected.