AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

A word of reminder though about your husband OP, he has PR for your child and therefore if he wishes to share that report or information with someone else, he can do

He cant share your personal information but he can share your sons.

I think like others I might be syaing that he wouldnt be my husband for much longer if he didnt agree but then thats a line you may not want to draw.

If I was you I would tell them and your 'D'H that you will happily pay for it yourself and that other people's medical information is not their business.

Or because they care about their grandchild

DD had an assessment when she was about 8, it was quite in depth, family background,etc plus reports from school. All lovely but obviously pointing to the diagnosis so bitter sweet.
She read it when she was 18 and it really shock her up. I wouldn't want a grandparent repeating it back at in opportune, but gossipy, moments.
So guard it.

We’ve had SALTs in different countries including the UK and they’ve always taken a complete history. I’m almost fed up talking about myself, my pregnancy and my birth.

What it also goes to show is something Ive mentioned on a number of threads over the years, which is that ADOS and other ND assessments, which are portrayed as being completely standard, and that they never deviate and are non subjective and gold standard, can be very very different depending on the service and practitioners involved.

A history of the child and the child's social/environmental factors and family history of physical and mental health should always be taken in all sorts of functioning assessments (by which I dont mean something like asthma)

Op, when your husband told you that they ‘offered’ to pay you should have messaged them to say ‘’thank you for offering to pay, but we would like to cover this ourselves’’. This way they can also see that any request for money comes only from your DH.
You accepted the money without knowing if it was a gift or a transaction which required something in return.

I think it’s completely unacceptable for them to demand to see the report, but at least you know what you need to do in future situations.

They do care. They might not do it in a way I recognise but my DH tells me that this is how they care, by ‘helping’ with things like this. My issue is they don’t just give the money (which I won’t lie, I’d bloody love!!) they want to get involved?! Im very cross they emailed the therapist. It took me weeks to find her and she’s great. She sounded very annoyed about them asking for the report in her email to me. I was horribly embarrassed by it all.

I think I swallow a lot of my resentments because I tell myself DH is just doing his best for the kids and if it means they get unlimited SALT and all we have to do is share some stuff with them, big deal? Yet it just feels invasive to me. I’ve had the same conversation so many times. Nothing changes. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do about it anymore. I can’t tell if I’m being precious or spoiled or sensitive.

If they have offered a cash gift to pay for the therapy, that doesn’t come with any automatic rights to anything. Any thing they wanted in exchange would have to be negotiated at the point they stated they wanted to pay. Otherwise that’s not what you agreed to in accepting the money and they have effectively coerced you into doing something you are not comfortable with/don’t want to do. Just cos they’ve paid, that does not give them automatic rights to anything.

It doesn’t matter whether or not she would. Her personal health information is on there!!!! I wouldn’t be sharing it either, and my MIL was the most discreet soul ever

This.

And some very strong words with your husband while you’re at it.

Your husband sounds like a spoilt child. Running to his rich parents for a handout without any care what they’ll want in return as long as he gets what he wants.
I honestly couldn’t be married to somebody like that.
You only have a few options really, pay them the money back and say you’ll be keeping your family medical history private. And then deal with whatever comes from that.
Somehow redact the file (could it be printed and manually redacted?)
Tell them you’re not willing to share the report as it has your private medical history on it and see what comes from that? If they demand to see it as “they’ve paid for it” I’d say “oh, I didn’t realise the money was so you could gain information, I thought it was a gift to help grandson, here, I’ll pay you back…” and deal with whatever comes from that.

Then you need to deal with your husband.
And in future, accept no further help from your in-laws.

That would be a no they can’t have the report.
I would only let them see a letter with diagnosis or invoice to prove the money was spent on what they sent it for if they insisted.

You are under no obligation to share your medical info or your child’s medical info with them.

You have a right to your boundaries and that of your child! If your therapy was funded you wouldn’t be obliged to share the report with the funders. The GPs are just being nosy.

I would limit what you share to what is useful for your child - diagnosis if there is one and recommendations.

So they're threatening not to pay unless they have access you a lot of confidential information?
Sod that. They really think money can buy anything, and she would share that information as well.

I can't believe you've already shared the report with your ILs. And almost every poster is saying they're in the wrong, but you are now saying you still think you might be spoilt or sensitive? I hope you don't talk to the DC like that! You need some boundaries and quick.

I could not stand this. Your in laws are using their money to stick their noses into your parenting and your husband is letting them do it. Either because he values money more than anything and has no self respect, or because he is a little boy who still wants mummy and daddy involved. I’d be having a serious conversation about what a big issue this is for you. If he won’t undertake to keep these things private then I’d get a credit card to use for appointments and make sure providers know that no one else is authorised to pay or deal with the account.

She doesn't have a right. But it's a nice thing to do for someone who's enabled your child to have the help she needs, and which otherwise she wouldn't have.

It meant a lot to me that I was included in the process, when I paid for my granddaughter's speech therapy. Her parents wouldn't have had her assessed without my involvement and the therapy worked wonderfully. Seeing the reports and updates (and supporting the 'homework' in my interactions with her) made me feel that I was travelling along the road with her and her mum and dad, and hearing about her progress from the horse's mouth.

I'm very glad that my DD facilitated that, and when DGD was finally discharged, I got a lovely card from them all thanking me for enabling DGD's progress. .

So yes, I had no right as such, but the way I was enabled to be involved meant a lot. When one's financial help is appreciated in that way, it's pretty motivating.

Then this is your problem, not your PILs.

Can you talk to your h about this? Is it a deal breaker for you?

This. Your DH needs reminding of that.

I would send them the money back, personally.

Same. DD’s ASD and ADHD diagnoses reference my health during pregnancy, and the assisted delivery and PTSD that followed.

And my ADHD report (as an adult) covers comments about my assisted birth and mum’s mental health during my formative years.

They all have comments regarding other close relatives’ medical histories such as diabetes, heart disease and cancer.

Redact the information you don’t want them seeing-

if it’s because it’s a password protected file
1.print the document
2.use a black texta or white board marker over the parts you don’t want seen.
3 Photocopying the document (important as then they can’t lift the page into the light and work out the words under the marker)
4 then either give them the new hard copy document or scan it and send as an email.

But as they say in mumsnet you have a DH problem if he’s not respecting your opinion and wishes

Send your in laws the money back, and update contact/payment details with the therapist so it comes to you directly from now on.

That’s interesting, I had the reverse experience. I guess it does vary across trusts though. Also, one of the assessments one of my sons had was private, perhaps that varies whether they ask for this information or not.

I don’t think you should redact it and send it. I think you just clearly state that it contains private medical information about your DH, your son and you so it is inappropriate to share it with them. But you are happy to talk to them about how your DS is doing.

If they kick up a fuss, stick to the same line - it contains private information about medical histories that you are not prepared to share with them. Be polite but firm and don’t be drawn into anything else.

And tell your DH that he needs to change his attitude about his willingness to sell you out to his parents.