AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

I’d be drawing a line with your husband. And seriously considering my marriage. I’m sorry.

It is actually more than the DS's notes being not up for debate: they are not up for SALE which is essentially what your DH has tried to do with them.

It is hard to gauge from this thread to what extent your PILs are meddling and overstepping or, on the other hand, trying to be involved and "hands-on," but it does sound a bit as though they feel that paying allows them to "own" the situation. However, the person who is categorically at fault here is your DH. He has taken a decision to pass on responsibility for your own child's situation without even consulting you, and that is deeply disrespectful of your position as his mother. He cannot now expect you to circulate your own personal medical details against your will.

The therapist might do another report if you ask, but I would personally drop the cash round to them in an envelope and pay for it myself. This is needed, imo, to make it clear to your DH you will not be cornered by his attempts to puppeteer you. This is essentially and issue between you and him, and the nature of your relationship.

Your in-laws aren’t the problem.

Your DH and his lack of boundaries is causing this.

It’s one thing to help. Quite another if the help comes with a side of entitlement not pre-agreed with you.

Sorry, I had missed the fact you've already shared it with them. This obviously changes things. I'd feel sick and extremely cross that my private medical history had been violated by them, I'd feel a lot of resentment towards my DH and MIL for this. This really crosses boundaries.

Your DH has form for this clearly. Is your marriage good otherwise? I personally would feel pure fury at him over this, and be extremely regretful of having sent them that report, rather than sending them the money and telling them to keep their noses out. Your DH enables MIL's behaviour, I'd certainly have serious issues with him over this.

I think you’re missing the point here and are focusing on pointless things.

1. does your husband have access to the report?
2. Will he share the report with them himself?

you’re envisioning a scenario where you are the gatekeeper but realistically your husband can share it without your consent to keep the peace. Especially if he’s close to his parents and sees it as their rightful thing to own as they’ve paid for the sessions. How will you tackle that?

But then they can take their son and dil at their word on information shared. They can care about their grandchild but it doesn't make him their child. Op and her husband still have a duty to provide an appropriate level of privacy for their son, even moreso if a child is vulnerable and may find it hard to advocate for themselves. Even as a professional working with vulnerable children best practice is to be very mindful of what information is needed and what is not needed as it is THEIR information and even professionals are not automatically entitled to know everything.

ThIs.
They have made a holy show of themselves emailing the therapist.

It's not a big deal. They would be wanting to treat DGS properly when they communicate - to follow what the therapist suggests, just like you will want to. They want to understand the problem and help your son.

Having said that, it should not have been demanded and I would have given them a look at it, not a copy.

You could have driven over and let them read it openly with DS there so that it doesn't become stigmatised.

You also should have requested that they keep all detailed medical information private and not shared with friends.

Obviously saying that their DGC is having speech therapy would not be a problem but talking about sensitive reasons as to why he is having therapy would not be okay.

Your DH needs to stop going to his parents about medical things, or things that could be sensitive, behind your back.

Send her a redacted report as a compromise to your husband?

I think this is sensible. I'd want to show my mum. I feel grandparent involvement is good and especially if they've helped out but the OPs medical history is her own business.

I would give them the money and say thank you for the generosity but this is private medical information and we don’t want to share it.

Go back to therapist and ask for your personal stuff to be removed they will do that for you. Sometimes these reports need to go to schools so therapists will remove this sort of stuff if asked.

So strange that our experience was different, and also our NHS Paediatrician did a legal thing with the LEA (not an ECHP) which meant my son had LEA funding for a 1-1 support at nursery which was invaluable so I don't think they did a bad job but I assumed that it would be the same everywhere.

YANBU, obviously. If I were backed into a corner with this, I would print it out, heavily redacted with a black marker, scan & let them see it - too late on this occasion though.

They ABU to ask - I shared my DC’s OT report with my parents but that’s because they provide childcare and it’s relevant to their day to day activities with him. My Dad paid for another DC to have a private endoscopy because of long NHS waiting lists and there’s no way he would have felt entitled to see the actual report. Obviously I told him the results but there’s no way any sane grandparent would directly approach the healthcare provided to ask for a report.

My DH and his family are terrible for sharing peoples medical information, unless it’s MIL herself. She confided in me about a bowel cancer scare and I kept my word. Weeks later, once she’d had the all clear, she told the rest of the family. Since then DH has realised that it’s a one-way thing with his family and has thankfully (for now) stopped blabbing to them all about our health.

The only issue I would have is my in-laws seeing my medical history. I would have absolutely no issue with them reading any form of report about their grandchildren any more than I would have an issue with my own parents being involved & reading it. In this instance I would have printed a copy with anything to do with my medical history blanked out then handed it over.

This. A thousand times this.

Your ILs paying for therapy does not buy them access to your son's private medical information. If that means they stop paying for the therapy, then I would judge them quite frankly. It would mean either they don't trust their son, or they are not actually that interested in helping their grandson.

Hopefully your husband will see sense. It's hard to "police" though. Can you trust him not to share the report anyway to quietly keep everyone happy?

FWIW I think you could be completely upfront about why you don't want to share the reports, and they might be receptive, but even if you redacted your family history bits the principle still remains on your son's private info. You need to consider how he would feel about your ILs potentially still having copies of these notes when he is 18. I think it's quite important to knock on the head this idea that they have a right to all the info if they paid for the appt.

Exactly this although your son-in- laws parents should also be included simply because its their grandchild too but obviously only if they care & show genuine interest.

Honestly, I would tell them all (GP’s and DH) that you do not want them paying for things if they feel that this gives them carte blanche to be intrusive and controlling. Calling the therapist was absolutely inappropriate: They are overstepping as grandparents and their son needs to man up and accept that his kids are his responsibilities and stop capitulating to them.

This!

Hi @ladyrushford I think you need to hold onto your instincts here. They do not have a right to it, no matter how much money they pay. The report should be used/beneficial to those who are your child's main caregivers and who need the report to guide them, follow suggestions to support your son etc. No one has a right to it other than your child's parent.

I'd reach out to the therapist and ensure that they know not to share it and I'd send a text saying it's a private report with your child's medical information and while you appreciate their financial support, the report isn't for sharing.

I worry if you give in it won't stop here. What else will they want access to about your son down the road?

I agree with posters saying you have a DH problem. He's allowing your son's medical privacy to be bought...not on!

The therapist is right to be annoyed with them for repeatedly demanding the report. They've got a damn cheek.

Your PIL while superficially appearing generous and caring, their actions as you’ve become aware, come with huge, unreasonable expectations & conditions.

Your wet husband needs a kick up the backside, he should never ever bengaging with them and not engaging first & foremost with you!

I almost lost my eyebrows upon reading the MIL contacted the therapist asking for a copy of the report!!! Who the heck does she think she is, I mean does she not know about boundaries? And how utterly inappropriate her actions were? If not she needs to be educated very quickly.

If your PIL refuse to accept your boundaries, then stop accepting their financial help. But yr H needs to cut the apron strings immediately. Their help comes at to higher price.

Poor you, and your poor DS too. Your husband is being sly, going behind your back, and putting his parents before you and your son. This report is not for sharing with his parents, or anyone else for that matter. Don’t share any part of it, redacted or not, it’s simply not their business.

Email the in laws, and cc your dh.
‘Patricia and Sam, there seems to be some misunderstanding re ds’s therapy. His reports contain detailed assessments for him, and also medical histories for dh and myself which are quite personal. We will not be sharing them, nor would I share them with my parents given dhs personal information in there. We are grateful fro your generous offer to pay, but if it was done in the expectation of full access to our child’s or our family’s medical records then we must decline it. Please let us know asap if that was the expectation so that we can refund you.
thanks,
your pissed off daughter in law.

Emailing the speech therapist directly to try and get the report? She sounds like a madwoman. I’d have gone absolutely postal. So not on.

I think you and your husband should get some couples therapy as he clearly needs to grow a spine! I’d be livid at the pair of them. I’m not surprised the speech therapist is annoyed, it’s totally out of line of her.