AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

And yes if you did share it then be clear it is private medical history for your child.

The main issue here is your H “going behind my back, again”. Even if you sort this issue out it will happen again unless your H actually starts respecting your wishes.

I’d be having a very serious conversation with him about respecting you.

And as far as this report goes, I’d print it off and then sharpie out all info you don’t want her to see.

No. Your DH needs to learn that he is a parent now, not a child. He doesn’t get to share confidential medical reports about other people with anyone else. Who pays is irrelevant.

Easily resolved. Ask for their bank account info and transfer the money they paid for the therapy back to them. Then they can’t demand anything, and you’ve got the privacy you wanted.

I think it’s worth considering how gifts of money appear to come with strings in your DHs family. So they pay for the therapy but then want all the paperwork. it’s not as though they’re doubting that you have spent it on that it’s more that they’re making themselves equally as invested as you in your sons speech therapy.
or am I overthinking?

You could also ask the SLT to make a short version for you without the family history - just limit it to child’s needs and recommendations. (Might be a small fee.)

Maybe the therapist would create a document with just the recommendations from the assessment and not any of the family history. I suppose there may be a charge to something like that, but it might give your in-laws what they want and keep your history private.
I can also see why you are frustrated with your DH!!

I think you're missing a key point here. The problem here is your husband. Words need to be had and boundaries drawn up. I would pay them for the assessment, explain that your child's private medical notes are not up for debate and then read your husband the riot act.

Your husband sounds like a dick.

An offer like this should come without strings attached. Its crass that theyre demanding access.

Do they have form for being controlling?

I don't know if your DH can overrule you with the therapist, but in case he can, I would ask the SALT to send the in-laws a redacted or edited report that keeps your medical history out of it, if he insists on his parents having a report.

Redact it.

Screenshot it.
Redact it as you see fit. (Small black boxes)
Save it as print to pdf.

I'd also Redact anything sensitive about your DS. They sound like the sort to repeat random inappropriate info to him.

They are absolute dicks though.
As is your dh - clearly he didnt pick it up off of the side of the road.

I'd be absolutely furious with your DH. He went behind your back to his parents to get them to pay for your son's speech therapy and and has now provided them with a copy of the report which includes some of your private medical information. That is so out of order. He must know that his mum is a terrible gossip.

You should have refused to share the report. Why are you trying to keep the peace? You need to get really angry with your husband. It sounds pathetic the way he keeps running to his parents telling them stuff that should just be between the two of you. They are using their money to control you and to get their own way. I would find it very hard to forgive your DH.

The more you post, the more your husband is a dick.

Tell him you don't want them to pay and give the money back.
Paying doesn't equal control.
If I was you, I'd continue refusing to give it.

I’ve said this soo many times to my husband it’s untrue. I imagine it’s why he does it behind my back! It’s causing a massive rift between us because it feels so sneaky and underhand.

I don’t understand, for instance, why they would want to read this report? I told her on Saturday- I took the kids to visit for Easter - what the therapist recommended and that we were beginning two weeks after Easter half term (we’re away for five days to attend my grandfather’s funeral abroad). So I’m quite disapppointed, but not surprised, that she emailed the therapist directly to ask for the report she knows is complete and then asks about therapy. When I told her about the suggestion of a session a week at his nursery MIL thought it was great. I only mentioned this to her because she asked and I was trying to be polite about it, not that I thought she had any right to know? Not sure if that makes me sound like an arsehole though?

There is a long history of neurodivergency in the family and our oldest son has severe learning difficulties. Medical and family histories are standard for diagnostic context and some - not all of course - is featured in this assessment report.

Ah sorry op. Yes I’d say talk to gps and say sorry but there’s stuff that’s private to my family in here they’d be upset if I shared it

Completely agree.

Do they spend a lot of time with the child? Normally I’d say not their business but for SALT they have recommendations for how to support the child so it’s relevant to all adults who care for the child. If you are uncomfortable go back to the therapist and ask for a report without your personal information that would be shareable to all involved with the child.

I have children with speech and language needs and see the benefit of having recommendations shared with all involved with my children. Private information about myself I’d ask to be removed so it was shareable as the report is on your child not you

Sounds like it’s too late now, but for future reference you could screenshot it and use the annotate function to blur out anything you don’t want. I’m sure there’s a way they could edit it and get it back to the original, but if they aren’t tech savvy then I wouldn’t worry about them doing that. I would explain that I’d redacted my personal medical history and would appreciate them respecting my privacy.

You have a DH problem… but it also sounds like when he tells you they are paying, you are happy to just accept that. If you are happy to take their money, you have to accept their conditions, to an extent. Be prepared. To stand up and say no, then pay yourself.

This and your husbands repeated behaviour would be the reason I would be telling him to move out and get the divorce papers ready!

Oh my word, it is absolutely none of their business. I would pay the money back and keep your son’s (and your) info private. It is shocking that they think they have any right to see this. I didn’t even tell relatives my dcs’ exam results - we are the gatekeepers until they are old enough to deal with their private affairs themselves - it is nobody else’s business.

Definitely a DH issue.

I worked with a guy like this and became friends with his wife. So I used to hear the conversations he had with his family whilst at work and then listen to her complaining about him running to his family all the time. It was clear his parents trumped her for loyalty. Totally enmeshed.

It's not a good dynamic and I'd put a stop to this. Your family stuff is private to you and your DH, especially if she is likely to spread gossip.

Absolutely but they get a different version of that report, which now I think I should have just waited and given that to them!

I’m really angry about it, but mostly with myself because I should have seen this coming.

I would be fucking furious,
The money would be sent right back & I would be telling not so ‘DH’ that unless HE wanted to be sent back to mummy along with the money things would be going to change.
No way would I accept this level of control, coercion and nosiness.

I would just screenshot the summary / recommendations

If they still press say you need to print it out and physically redact personal health information so they will have to wait.

Maybe they should read a report of some couples conselling (you and dh) and boundaries 😉