AIBU to be angry my sister left my 16-year-old alone?

[Rubexellen]

Evening all,
My DD is 16, she’s in Y11. A little while ago I mentioned to my sister a couple of the areas of work my DD is interested in potentially pursuing. My sister told me that her friend’s son and DIL who are mid-late 20s happened to be an immigration solicitor and a researcher at a think tank focusing on migration and refugees. This is something my DD is very much interested in so my sister agreed to set up a coffee with them and DD so DD could ask some questions.

This coffee took place today, it’s the school holidays so I was at work and the deal was, my sister would meet DD in London at the train station and take her to meet this young couple. We don’t live too far from London but DD has never been into London alone before, not even with friends (we are closer to Brighton so they tend to go there instead).

DD has just told me that my sister did meet her at the station and accompany her to the cafe but she didn’t stay, leaving my 16 year old DD alone with this couple effectively.
DD said they were lovely and they answered all her questions and she found it very useful but she felt a bit uncomfortable. Then when they were finished she realised she didn’t know how to get back to the station for her train home. She said she asked them just for directions and they offered to accompany her back to the station and waited with her until she was on the train.

Now I’m beyond angry, my sister never implied she would be leaving DD with them and if I had known that was her plan I’d have suggested DD not go as London is a massive city and these are strangers!

I want to have a harsh word with my sister and tell her that was totally inappropriate not just for DD, but probably for these young adults who were left with a teenager they don’t know!

AIBU to be furious?

I imagine an office which deals in migration and human rights also has strict rules about access.

@Rubexellen I would feel like you have OP. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my DD effectively being handed over to strangers!

I wouldn’t have minded her going to London and having to navigate her way back to the station, but whilst your sister knows this couple, you don’t and all sorts of things go through your head as to what could’ve happened to her. Fortunately, they were nice people.

What a horrible thread, nasty unpleasant things being said about a 16 year old. There's absolutely no need.

It doesn't matter what anyone else and their kids did at whatever age. Rightly or wrongly this particular 16 year old hasn't traveled to London on her own before.

Perhaps a little more communication between the OP and her sister to clarify the arrangements, so the OP could make sure her DD was better prepared before she made the trip would have been helpful. Someone made some good suggestions for planning earlier.

All of this, she must have issues, she's 16 not 6, she'll never manage in the profession she's interested in and declarations of what she should be capable of doing are just unkind and don't recognise that kids aren't all the same.

I agree that the OP should start planning to build up her DD's independence and resilience, and could have done so earlier. But overall her DD seemed to have coped reasonably okay and hopefully got a boost of confidence from it.

Handed over! She’s 16, having a coffee in a public place in central London with people her aunt knows. And we wonder why our young people have anxiety and resilience problems. She’s not a baby!!!!!

This sort of experience is what builds independence and resilience. Being frank, if you’ve raised a 16 year old who wouldn’t think to use Google Maps to find the station, there’s a lot of work to do before she goes off to uni.

Different times, but the first time I was allowed to go to London with friends and no adult, I was 14. We went down to the tube to get our tickets (paper in those days) and there was a young man having an epileptic fit on the floor in front of the ticket machines, everyone just walking past him. One of my friends (also 14) calmly got down on the floor and made him safe while directing another one of us to get help. Turned out she had an epileptic relative.

These experiences are part of growing up and learning how to look after yourself and others. Too much cotton wool makes for the opposite of what you want as a parent, which is an independent young adult unafraid of the world they’re launching into.

the deal was, my sister would meet DD in London at the train station and take her to meet this young couple.

Which is what she did.. are you sure there hasn't been some sort of miscommunication, why didn't your DD ask her when she said she was suddenly leaving what the plan was for afterwards? Was your sister expecting a phone call when she had finished etc? If she went to pick her up from the station and take her there, surely she was expecting to meet her after she had finished?

It sounds like someone has got the wrong end of the stick somewhere.

If you're going to ring your sister I'd ask her what the plan was as your DD got confused and struggled to get home, and then see what she says?

WTF. My additional needs DD15 would be able to manage this absolutely fine, and we live quite rurally. It probably never crossed your sister’s mind that it would be an issue, because it really shouldn’t be. At 16 I travelled abroad with friends, before the age of mobiles and we managed to survive!

Oh it was a couple ..that means they could never have any ill intent…oh ok? Meanwhile checks cv …worked for probation, victim support and know that problematic people don’t wear monster signs…sixteen may be very young to navigate such things …I would have expected my sister to stick around

You haven’t prepared her for life.

I caught a flight on my own at 15 and I was extremely shy. YABU

Oh no OP, this is very poor attitude towards your daughter’s independence.

As others have said, I think this is an over reaction on your part. Assuming a 16 year old has a phone with internet then they should be able to use a google map or other app to find their way back to the station by walking or bus.

Also, if you find it necessary for your 16 year old to be accompanied back to the station by your sibling then that's something you should have first discussed with your sister. If it's important to you then you should have raised it. We are talking about 16 year olds and not 12 year olds so you can't assume everyone will feel the same as you.

Your DD will have forgotten about this next week.

She's 16, not 6.

A lot of us took the subway to school as teens younger than her.

You need to get her life skills up and running. Finding your way around cities and using public transport is a pretty necessary skill.

She’s OPs baby and at 16 she’s still a child. OP has every right to worry about her and if what her DSis did doesn’t sit right with her, she has every right to say so.

I think a child or young person going to meet to people involved in those profession at age 16 should be able to navigate back from that meeting. You are being quite ridiculous!

Any reason your DD didn’t just call your sister when the coffee/discussion was finished?

That’s probably what your sister was expecting.

TBH it would’ve been a bit odd if your sister had stayed for the coffee chat, IMO. A 16 year old meeting people in a public cafe doesn’t need a chaperone.

YANBU OP. Go no contact with her.

At 17 I lived in a capital city on my own, and managed all my own money, transport, bills, social life etc.

My 16yr old is currently planning a few days away in an English city (we live in Scotland) with her friends. It hasn't occurred to me that she won't manage the trains, buses etc.

See this as a wake up call. How can you equip your daughter with these fairly essential skills? I took mine to cities with undergrounds and taught them how to navigate the system. I made them show me how they could use Google Maps to map out multi-mode transport journeys. What can she do already, and what does she need experience in so that she's ready for the next time?

Ffs this is a 16 year old.
If this is true and she was so helpless, then shame on you for not nurturing more independence in her.

Or she could recognise that her sister is the one behaving appropriately here.

She does have every right to question her sister but she also needs to make reasonable risk assessment and meeting a couple known to her auntie in a public cafe in broad daylight incredibly low risk.

She’s 16 - she should know how to navigate her nearby city.

That doesn't make her reasonable.

A 16 year old should be able to sit in a cafe and take the train on their own without a babysitter.

This is crazy!! My daughter is 16, travels into London with friends and has done by herself. Has a part time job and is very independent. Time to let go, OP.

At 16 I was babysitting my baby niece 🤣 YABVU.