AIBU to be angry my sister left my 16-year-old alone?

[Rubexellen]

Evening all,
My DD is 16, she’s in Y11. A little while ago I mentioned to my sister a couple of the areas of work my DD is interested in potentially pursuing. My sister told me that her friend’s son and DIL who are mid-late 20s happened to be an immigration solicitor and a researcher at a think tank focusing on migration and refugees. This is something my DD is very much interested in so my sister agreed to set up a coffee with them and DD so DD could ask some questions.

This coffee took place today, it’s the school holidays so I was at work and the deal was, my sister would meet DD in London at the train station and take her to meet this young couple. We don’t live too far from London but DD has never been into London alone before, not even with friends (we are closer to Brighton so they tend to go there instead).

DD has just told me that my sister did meet her at the station and accompany her to the cafe but she didn’t stay, leaving my 16 year old DD alone with this couple effectively.
DD said they were lovely and they answered all her questions and she found it very useful but she felt a bit uncomfortable. Then when they were finished she realised she didn’t know how to get back to the station for her train home. She said she asked them just for directions and they offered to accompany her back to the station and waited with her until she was on the train.

Now I’m beyond angry, my sister never implied she would be leaving DD with them and if I had known that was her plan I’d have suggested DD not go as London is a massive city and these are strangers!

I want to have a harsh word with my sister and tell her that was totally inappropriate not just for DD, but probably for these young adults who were left with a teenager they don’t know!

AIBU to be furious?

I would have expected that DSis would have left the young folks to it. She would not have wanted or needed to have been the third wheel there.

Your DD is 16. It was day time and Aunt had accompanied her to the cafe. How difficult was it to reverse the moves or ask for assistance? It was beneficial for your DD to be left to arrange her own travel home.

She used her nous and asked for assistance.

DD could have also - used google maps, phoned her Aunt, phoned you, phoned a taxi etc.
To work it out like she did was fine.

Congratulate her and revise what and how you are teaching your young adult daughter independence.

She's 16 not 8. Let her live.

Blimey, my mates and I used to go up to London all the time for whole days when we were 14/15. No mobile phones in those days, either. Or bank cards; just an estimate of how much cash we might need to last us until we got home.
We survived.

Agree with almost everyone else.
YABRidiculous.

I seem to be in the minority, but after living and working in London I am on your side.

There is also a difference between a 16 year old knowingly going to London alone to one discovering they were going to be left alone in London. When people with ill intentions see vulnerability that’s who they target.

Also all 16 year olds are not equal. Sure there are 16 year olds capable of many things, but there are also 16 year olds who aren’t ready to be treated as an adult and that’s ok too.

But are they not capable because they havent been taught to be? is it the parents treating them like children no matter how old they are the issue?

So did I, but we were together with friends. I presume that's the difference? First time in London, and alone may be overwhelming. I know adults who are nervous about going into London for the first time.

Tbh, had I been the OP, I would've checked with my sister what the plan was at the start and not presumed anything. Not the sisters fault imo!

I somewhat think that's unfair. Had the OP known her daughter was not going to be with her aunt and travelling home alone (OP should've asked being mum), then perhaps she could've run through everything with her, indeed teaching her how to navigate the tube etc the night before, showing her a tube map or route to walk etc.

It's still new to someone no matter the age, let alone 16 and can be a little overwhelming. I can understand the OP's concern but I don't understand blaming her sister. OP should've asked what's what.

A lot depends on the specific 16yo, but it sounds like it might be miscommunication, or just a difference in expectations, between your sister and your daughter.

I think it's probably normal and even preferable that your sister didn't stay and sit with them while they were talking, but it seems strange that she and your daughter didn't discuss what would happen after the meeting - for example, if sis was going off temporarily to run some errands, daughter would call her when ready to meet back up? Or, if sis planned to go on with her day on her own and expected daughter to make her own way home after the meeting, wouldn't she have at least said goodbye, see you again soon, give my love to your mum, etc?

I'm guessing that your sister thought her "job" was making the introduction only, not really taking care of or chaperoning her niece (although meeting her at the station rather than at the cafe maybe gave a different impression to your daughter). I'd make sure you have the full story from your daughter and then ask your sister what happened rather than going in all guns blazing. If your daughter is feeling fine about it all now, I probably wouldn't be too furious.

YABVU. I know many 11 year olds ago who travel in and out of London every day for school, lugging back packs that weigh more than they do, for extra challenge!

Your Dd really should be able to cope with finding a map on her phone and retracing her route.

Maybe you could help her/spend some of the summer holidays getting her to plan and navigate a few day trips with you or with friends to boost her confidence?

I’d understand if she was 6, but not 16. She’s 2 year off adulthood. You’re definitely being unreasonable and need to give her some independence and help her with life skills.

It's fine. I would have stayed if it was my niece just to have been there, but if she sees your sister often I understand why she didn't.

Actually on a re-read I think your sister should have stayed. It must have been annoying for her friends to she b had to see your dd home, it wasn't their responsibility.

Well is that not the point. Your 14 year old has plenty of experience moving round London by herself.

I hadn’t been to London until I was 18 and found it actually quite scary finding my way through it for the first time. And it wasn’t just thrown on me last minute

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Have that harsh word with your sister. She should have communicated clearly what her intentions were. This is your daughter and it is up to you what will allow or won't at the age of 16.

Isn't it up the 16yo to speak for themself?

Gently OP, she sounds like she’s been very sheltered and not given enough freedom beforehand because at 16 she should be more than capable of this. Im hoping this thread allows you to guide her to be a bit more independent x

I agree that any 16 year old should be able to navigate this, but I think the OP is upset by the difference between expectation and reality. The friend was expected to be there, as a sort of chaperone, but then wasn’t. So the situation was other than the girl was expecting/prepared for

Hooley Dooley! My 14yo navigates for me everywhere so I can concentrate on driving. If I'm walking, very rarely , even ancient old me can put a destination into my phone. I did grow up spending a lot of time in a big city alone when my parents were working so maybe I don't understand.
OP hasn't returned?

You are massively unreasonable, ungrateful and mollycoddling your daughter.
My 16 year old isn’t perfect and has raging ADHD, but she’d have coped in that situation no problem at all.

Your sister did a grand job leveraging contacts for your daughter. She escorted her to the cafe, made the introduction and then left. Your DD is 16, OP at this age she should be capable of speaking to new people and fining her way on a short tube or bus journey. I think you need to start focusing on letting go and empowering. In less than two years she might be living independently at Uni.

You mean a sixteen year old who can learn to drive next year, will you stay in the car with her giving her directions?

What 16 year old couldn’t use google maps?

Exactly, it’s like by magic when she reaches 18 it’s all going to change and she’ll be an adult. Like you don’t need to start life skills now!

Yes those adults that are nervous, probably always had helicopter parents like OP.

She goes into Brighton, just as busy as London.

Surely this is a joke, she was in public and she’s practically an adult: she could be a parent herself! And she has a phone. I went to Glastonbury without my parents at 16…