DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

OP, I really don't believe that your ds, dil and dd would cut you off without any explanation of why, or with statements about you being manipulative/ having no boundaries without any elaboration on those points.

So I can only conclude that you have either failed to listen to what they have actually been telling you OR you know exactly what they've told you but you don't want to share it on here.

Either way, it doesn't reflect well on you.

Are you a wheelchair user? Are you the poster who wrote about the wedding speech from your DIl about her mother?

I'm curious about "Yes I've made mistakes, but"...

Of course we all make mistakes, however sometimes they are so huge that the consequences are also huge. Intent does not negate impact, and if your mistakes were hurtful to your children or damaging to their welfare, then the consequences of those are that they may choose to set a boundary which removes the opportunity for you to hurt them in the same way again.

YABU - my mum probably would have said the same to her MIL. She was an alcoholic and stole from my dad (amongst many many other things). He tried to help her for 20 years but she was beyond help. There definitely could be a reason to feel this way about your MIL.

You’re slowly dripping it.

First boundaries, then you’re manipulative and now you’re also a victim. What else has he said?

I suspect there is much more to this than OP is saying! I'd like to hear DILs side of the story.

OP if your son has told you that he finds you manipulative and lacking in boundaries, and presumably your daughter agrees as she's taken his side, I think you really need to reflect on what has prompted this. Have you voiced opinions about his marriage/wife/childrearing plans and ideas? Have you overstepped and offered unsolicited advice? Have you manipulated him? Emotionally blackmailed him? Unless you're really honest with yourself and reflect on your own behaviour, I can't see the situation improving.

That poster was also disabled, had a difficult relationship with her other children, and her son also lived with her before getting married.

Theres a lot of similarities.

'Vague' is my guess...

Well you said you’ve made mistakes, what are they? I don’t think you can expect to have a relationship with your DS and DIL until you understand what they want you to apologise for, which sounds like something fairly recent. I think you need to listen to them and be honest with yourself, even if you don’t agree with them it sounds like they will go NC if you don’t at least acknowledge what they’ve said so you can try to change

Being disabled and poorly isn't relevant, if you treated your DCs badly when they were vulnerable as children, you should not expect help from them now you need it.

Your lack of clarity about the situation suggests that you know exactly why they have cut you off but you are too ashamed to say.

None of us here can really know what happened, but the fact that you've aimed this thread at your daughter in law and her apparent awful behaviour when actually this is all about your own children's relationship with you doesn't shine the best light on you and gives a bit of a clue why there might be a problem...

Those three things sounds like they believe you use your disability to always get what you want regardless of other people’s feelings and needs/wants.

That you don’t know when to stop and keep pushing till they give in because you’re always the victim.

My ex MIL was like your son and DIL, I had no idea what I did or said wrong.
She was a mean old lady, but I always kept smiling and talking, but my god would she lie and blame me for god knows what.
I never knew what I did to her.
I left in the end and so did the women after me.

She past away years ago, and what a change no more lies, them that believe her then tried to make contact, trying to be nice.
I blocked and moved on.
So many people had this problem with her she wanted her kids all to herself, when she was gone many realised the truth.
But we had all moved on.

And still to this day I dont know what it was I had done to her.
Same as his ex and the one after me.
She was just a mean old woman.

You said you haven't done the things they said you have but also that you don't know what you're supposed to have done. I think you are being cagey and I think the faux confusion can also be read as manipulative. You need to be complete honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else or try to resolve the issue.

I am just not really clear what they think I have done

so when they said you need to apologise, they did not even hint what was the thing you supposedly did?

If you think it's untrue that you lack boundaries then do you believe both of your children have decided not to have a relationship with you for absolutely no reason at all? Does that sound plausible to you, that you can have done absolutely nothing wrong and yet neither of your children feel comfortable having a relationship with you?

I'm sure some people are just cut off without a word of explanation and they feel confused and upset. It doesn't sound like you were, there's been a dialogue with your son and SIL where they explained what you did wrong but you've dismissed it.

Did you treat your son like a friend and an adult when he was a child and it's only now he's realised how inappropriate it was.

You are not being honest.
Whether this is because you genuinely cant understand or remember what they have told you or you need to present yourself as the innocent victim is impossible to know but there is no way your own children dont want you in their lives for no reason.

Apologised for what? Youre missing out a huge part of the story

https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

They will have asked you to not do certain things in the past. Perhaps regarding how you are with the children, or requests or demands you make of them for example.

They will have told you in the past what they want you to do or not do. Can you remember any of those things or are you going to say they have never asked you to change anything ever?

This is definitely sounding familiar. Have you posted before?

If the same poster, I think there is possibly an element of spousification of your DS. You are very needy and expect your adult DC world to revolve around you and your emotional needs.

If you aren’t going to be honest then nobody can help you put it right.

This ^

This is a great article, thank you for posting it. My mother is probably whinging that she doesn't know why her horrible daughter cut her off, when all she ever did was her 'best' 😄
I mean, if someone's best leaves a child brutally traumatised and damaged for life, that's utterly indefensible.
People like my mother know exactly what they've done and they tell on themselves if you scratch the surface.

It's hard to know what is going on here.....if you have done nothing at all, then I wouldn't want to associate with people who just freak out on you for no reason, son or otherwise, because it all seems unhinged. I honestly can't see how you could make anything work with someone creating fantasy and then getting mad at you about it.

If you have done something, but you don't want to admit it, see nothing wrong with it, want to deny it happened because it's embarrassing etc, that's a different story but I don't see how any of us can assist without all the facts.