DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

Also, just FYI, insisting on face to face meeting while claiming ignorance is classic manipulation.

You can’t say sorry if you won’t own or acknowledge what you have done or what the hurt they carry is. That apology has no weight or meaning. It’s just you saying a word to try and get what you want

You say you have asked him to come round so you can apologise again- but why should he travel to you? And if you don’t believe you have done anything wrong how can your apology be meaningful?

You said you apologised. What was the apology for?

Bad and abusive parenting, annd emotional neglect is usually about what DIDNT happen in childhood.
just because you didn’t hit him that doesn’t mean anything.

, it’s not your fault but being disabled parent would probably be quite a tricky factor for any child due to limitations and need for care giving. Look up impact of parentification.
-that’s assuming you’ve always been disabled.
that’s not to say disabled people can’t parent. It means it will of course impact kids. I say that as a parent with multiple disabilities.

There’s so much to unpick here. People don’t randomly cut contact. It’s not easy to do at all as an adult child. Far from it.

there are reasons. It’s your job to find out what they are without guilting anyone.

Hmm, the lack of boundaries thing makes me think. Did you have a partner who mistreated your kids in any way?

That's big of your dil to say she would never stop ds having a relationship with you his mother. Who the fuck does she think she is saying that? I assume your s is a capable adult and able to make his own decisions about that.
If a man said that it would be considered controlling.
That aside, to have 2 kids not talking to you and the dil saying these things there must be something in the background going on.
You might never find out the reasons as noone seems inclined to get it out into the open and tell you directly which would be the adult thing to do.
If you knew then at least you know where you are with things. Your perception and theirs could be wildly different hence the no contact.
It does seem churlish to keep apologising, being asked to apologise and nothing moves forward with clarity. The matter would be sorted with never want to see you again 'mum' or a happy ending.

So you don’t drink or take drugs?

You’ve never hit your kids?

I assume you’ve never had any social service or police involvement?

What about boyfriends?
Do you have men coming over?

You may have no idea what it is you did or didn’t do for your child when they were growing up because he didn’t know any different. That doesn’t make it okay but it’s time to look inward perhaps.

I’m afraid your post and responses are classic. The refusal to name or acknowledge the reasons for their actions/comments, an apology while claiming you have no real idea what you’re apologising for, thereby refusing to take their comments seriously. Two out of three children going low contact, blaming DIL for the issue. My instinct on reading all you’ve written is that you are in total denial. Perhaps actually start listening to what they’re saying and strait actually thinking about your own behaviour before it’s too late.

Yes I agree.

Its her only child that speaks to her too and so he’s obviously more of a soft touch.

You posted about your DIL before, haven’t you?

From the vibe of the thread i’m inclined to think the DIL said that because the OP messaged her implying she was the one stopping her from having a relationship with her son.

I’m not sure how you’ve come to the decision she’s controlling based on the information that’s been post d.

Yes this is very like my ils that we had to cut contact with. They would admit ‘we made mistakes but all families do and we got through it’. Those ‘mistakes’ were DV on a daily basis, huge amounts of manipulation and emotional blackmail. If I went into detail with how bad it was for my dh growing up and to us both when we started a family I would sound like I was exaggerating, I could give so many examples of their abusive narcissistic behaviour. I have so much respect for my dh for being a great husband and father with the upbringing he had. However when I was speaking to someone that my MIL had been speaking to, according to her she’d only ever been a great mother who is only human so made mistakes like we all do.

Yeah there’s a repeat poster (and name changer) on here who is obsessed with posting variations of MiL-DiL-son scenarios. The posts are repetitive, vague and annoying.

It’s very tedious. Like a training exercise for a shit LLM.

He said he never wanted to care for me and was forced into it but I provided a roof over his head and cooked for him

I ....... haven’t had an alcoholic drink in years

Without the missing information this suggests that you had a problem with alcohol during their childhood.

So far (I haven't finished reading the thread yet) you seem utterly incapable of self-reflection and I can't help but conclude you've made some awful mistakes along the way that really impacted your children.

On the positive side, it's never too late to explore the painful consequences of our own behaviour and make amends. The only way to do it is to be unflinchingly honest with yourself - it's not for pussies. Be brave and get it done.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

That is the barest of minimums legally required by a parent.

Who cares for you now?

My poisonous younger sister did this to her second husbands mother it was awful the poor woman simply could not win. She's done it to my sister, our mother but she courts me and our dad. I keep her very much at arms length and try to protect my dad from her wherever possible. Her first husband left her quite swiftly and she told everyone he was abusive and prevented him or his family from ever seeing their son. I never believed it but it's very hard to fight against the tide. Her second husband left her after 15 years and has re-established a good relationship with his elderly mother. My sister's children don't speak to her and have a good relationship with 2nd husband/dad/stepdad. Some people are poisonous and nothing you do will make a difference. You've apologised and it's not good enough for your own sanity walk away focus on being a good mother and grandmother to the son you have left.

I know that. I didn’t get disabled until he was an Adult so he cared for me but I paid the bills is what I meant he never had to worry about that

Aaaaaand here's the drip feed. He felt forced into being your carer and you entirely dismiss this with "I put a roof over his head". Did he need a roof, or did it just happen to be part of what was involved in the caring responsibilities he unwillingly took on?

Based on the updates, I’m almost certain it’s the same poster. The usernames are always similar too.

Prior to your son's relationship with your DIL, was he your live in carer? When he moved out, was that a difficult transition for you? In what ways did you ask for his time and attention immediately after he moved out? Prior to the estrangement what requests were you making of him on a daily/weekly/monthly basis?

Does your disability mean that you are currently unable to leave your house even if you wanted to?

These are basic legal requirements, and actually the bare minimum any parent should do for their child. They are not things to hold over their head as though providing your child with a home and food is somehow praiseworthy.