DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

Well it depends what those “mistakes” are , doesn’t it? Your daughter is also NC with you, you can’t blame DIL’s influence on that can you?

So you daughter won’t talk to you either?

Come on, OP. Do you think we’re stupid?

If you hadn't done anything then you wouldn't have two kids not speaking to you.

So you clearly have done something.

The fact you're saying you haven't done anything means you are clearly in denial here.

Said sorry for what?!?! You said you haven't done anything.

You say you've done nothing, but then say you've made mistakes for which you've apologised. Your son and DIL obviously think those mistakes were pretty serious. What were they?

Can't possibly say. My MIL was adequate. No physical abuse, obsessed with exam results, (on the one hand her dc were brilliant academically but she did nothing to scaffold their social skills and really dented their confidence), she changed the beds at half term and the dc had to wear their clothes, including underwear for three days. They all remember being hungry as children because she was so mean with food and not due to lack of funds. She doesn't believe women should tart themselves up with make-up.

Her dd's pissed off to other continents when they finished uni and visit once a flood - like three times in 40 years. When dh and I were having difficulty having babies, evidently I couldn't perform.

She usually falls out with people due to innate bitchiness - not much you can put your finger on. 90 now, alone, no friends, ever, refuses to seek medical advice, never phones her family.

DH is very loyal.

I can tell how upset you are, but there is no way people on here can really advise or support you without knowing what you've done.

I know you say you've done nothing, but what did you apologise for? What mistakes did you make? What do they say you've done?

You don't have to answer of course, but any possibility of making amends will depend wholly on your ability to reflect honestly on those questions.

What do they say you have done? You either lack any insight whatsoever or you're in total denial. Either way you're not automatically going to receive sympathy or advice unless you give details.

i said sorry multiple times because he asked me to and said he wouldn’t speak to me unless I apologised so I said sorry but he still won’t speak to me

OP there are some grim abuse cases out there but I'll go against the mumsnet grain and say that the current trend of cutting off your parents is grim. Humans aren't perfect and the generation that is so eager to put up "boundaries" wouldn't measure up well to their pwn standards.

I'm sorry uou8going through this, provided you're not one of the horrid abuse cases mentioned above.

So your DIL doesn't want to be near you and doesn't want her (and your son's) children anywhere near you, and now your son is not speaking to you. And your daughter doesn't speak to you either, but you've done absolutely nothing wrong? And nothing whatsoever has happened?

I would like to hear their side in all this. No-one stops speaking to someone - especially their own mother - for no reason. There has to be something. Unless you can share with us what it is, then no-one is going to be able to help you @LonelyMIL Why is your relationship with your daughter 'rocky?'

I don't mean to sound unfeeling, and I am sorry you're upset, but I am just trying to understand.

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What do they think you've done? I can see why they wouldn't accept an insincere apology.

It’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. They have flounced off and you have upset them if you needed to apologise. People do have views on what a mum should be and what they should do. Not conforming is dangerous. Is this about looking after dc? Can you think about what these women don’t like about your parenting and being around grandchildren? There must be something!

@regular20year What are you talking about?

There is absolutely no way you've done nothing.

What have they said you've done? Don't say nothing. They've told you.

If you are trying to manipulate strangers into agreeing with you that you're the innocent victim, that's not going to happen.

So you've said 'I'm sorry if you feel I have done anything wrong but I can't remember/won't acknowledge what I did'. Lots of people only see that things were wrong when they get an outsode perspective or have their own children. If you want a relationship with your DC you need to genuinely acknowledge what happened and the part you played in it and work on yourself to be a different person.

If you have come on here for advice, you are going to have to be honest about what is going on / has gone on. You have 3 kids and only one speaks to you and your DIL not only doesn't want to see you, but has put a stop on you seeing your grandchildren too. I am pretty sure you are leaving out lots of explanation here

OP you’re not being honest, which is honestly making you look guilty.

You may have not done anything wrong but you know what they’re accusing you of and why you’ve said sorry.

We can’t give you any support or advice if you’re not going to be honest.

Why aren’t you safe to be around? Is it your alcohol intake?

If two of your three children won't speak to you, yes, you are a bad mother.

Why did you have to apologise? Something big happened that she cannot forgive you for. Is there alcohol, drugs, erratic mood involved? If it continues to happen then saying won’t wipe it out.
If you genuinely don’t feel that you are in the wrong, let them go quietly anyway. Things may change in the future. You cannot force people to talk to you.

Sometimes it takes meeting someone and becoming a parent yourself to realise how awful your own parents were. If you were in some way abusive he may have forgiven you after the apology but if they don't think you are safe around their children, you will not see them.

Did you hit your DCs?

Oh come on OP. Nobody here can help you unless you tell us what has actually happened.

Hmm, well you haven't given us much info here at all, but based on the fact that two of your children seem to think that you are the problem, then on the balance of probabilities, I think there is probably some substance to their complaints.

You keep saying that you've done nothing wrong, but presumably you can at least articulate what they think you have done wrong?

Yes, but what did he ask you to apologise FOR?