DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

I have never hit anyone in my life!!! I am disabled and poorly haven’t had an alcoholic drink in years and never drugs

she said I am unsafe to be around due to my parenting but he never questioned my parenting ever. Son said I need to have boundaries

Did she ask you to apologise or say sorry? An apology is where you take accountability for your poor behaviour, recognise the harm you’ve caused and change your behaviour going forward. Sorry without that is just a manipulative way to try to dodge accountability and try to control how people see you in the future.

What did she say was wrong with your parenting?

No son did I haven’t spoken to DIL since all of this happened months ago and then I have reached out to contact her saying I want a relationship with her and also Gc And she responds by calling me names and saying she won’t allow it as im unfit as a mother

doesnt sound good op. what did he accuse you of? why are you unsafe? is this alcohol related or what?

two out of three children dont speak to you, thats not good. you might be conveniently forgetting something bad that happened but if you could find out exactly what they are accusing you of maybe the third child could help you understand what they are saying the issue is, as it does soumd like there may be a problem you are trying to ignore or minimise.

after that if you want to try writing a handwritten recorded delivery letter to them apologising in detail for the mistakes youve made that might help. but only if you accept you made them, go into detail not just a blanket worthless general apology, and take steps to not let it happen again.

I have to agree - this current trend doesn’t always reflect reality. I’m the sibling of someone who has gone no contact with our parents a few years ago.

I’m sure if you talked to her, she would say how horrible and abusive my parents were, but I have dealt with her lies and histronics over the years, and I grew up in the same household, and know that she’s bullshitting.

She’s always the victim, and blames everyone else for her problems.
In all honesty I’m relieved not to have to deal with her anymore, but my mother is heartbroken.

Funnily enough she still sends her teenage kids round on their birthdays and at Christmas to get presents.

But what does she say makes you unfit as a mother? Regardless of whether or not you agree with it, you presumably know what their complaints are?

You say you've been apologising repeatedly to no avail – what did you have to say sorry for in the first place? There must have been one specific incident that sparked this.

You are deflecting here @LonelyMIL

I have to agree with this, and I'm losing patience a bit now. @LonelyMIL no-one can help you until you tell us more about what it is you have to be sorry for. You have posted a bunch of repsonses but you are telling us nothing. Your son, DIL, and daughter are not giving you a wide berth/cutting you out for nothing.

My advice is to start a separate thread for your problem. I thought your post was part of OP problem.

But what are you apologising for?
You must have done something wrong.

Are you the mother who resented when your son met and married someone because he was no longer your main companion and carer? There was a lot of emotional weight and blackmail there and sounds similar.

Being an awful parent isn't just physical or neglectful, as I'm sure you know.

he said I don’t have boundaries

Have they given you any idea of what it is that they think you've done? Any idea at all? Did they have a problem with any comments you've made or decisions you've taken? Did you have any idea at all what you were apologising for? I'm pretty sure they will have given you more information than you're giving here.

Clearly a lot is not being said, why does she thing you’re an unfit mother?

Were you previously a drinker?

What are the things they’re saying you’ve done? What are the mistakes you’ve made?

What did you do to make him say that? People can't give you helpful advice unless you are honest about what you did.

I had a mild panic for a moment wondering was this my mum. It’s not…..
bit triggering enough to make me feel uneasy reading it.

People don’t cut others off for no reason. Look in the mirror and start some form of therapy for your behaviours. Only when you understand how your behavior impact others, and be truly sorry and intentionally do better, forget the relationships! They won’t have you around them.

(As that’s the advice my own mother needs)

What type of boundaries? Did he give you any examples?

Sounds to me as though you know perfectly well why you have been cut off, you just don’t think you should have been. If 2 children and your DIL have all explained to you and you still don't get it, I’m not sure what you are looking for from the internet.

This is textbook missing missing reasons: https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

So your situation sounds exactly like mine with my parents (and my brother is also not talking to them, and will not let his children be around her).

As you've not provided any details I can't tell whether your situation may be for similar reasons, but for what it's worth my parents also need to say sorry to mend the relationship.

This is what this doesn't mean

1. They say "We're sorry if you're upset by something we did" or similar (they've done that)

What this does mean

1. They offer an unqualified apology, no ifs or buts
2. They have self reflected enough to understand what the behaviour is that they are apologising for and are specific about naming that behaviour
3. They fully acknowledge what they have done and take ownership for their behaviour
4. They show some appreciation as to how the behaviour has affected me
5. They demonstrate that their apology is sincere by actually changing their behaviour, or showing they are taking steps to do so.

Based on this post, I am guessing that OP has made nothing like a sincere apology; she doesn't even appear to understand what she is apologising for.

My advice would be to start your own thread about this rather than hijacking somebody else's

If people are telling you they have a problem with your behaviour and your response to that is that they are awful
and being mean to you, then you’re not resolving anything. Do you understand what their issues are? You don’t seem to be able or willing to explain it to us so we can help you.