DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

I remember you OP. Your son clearly felt suffocated by you and you were panicked that he had stopped being your carer.

he was your only child who you expected to care for you and you had very low contact with your other children, so all the burden fell on him.

You need to give him space. He clearly wants boundaries - him. He is an adult. Not controlled by his partner and not controlled by you.

From your last post you are far too intense - he needs to have a life separate from you. Do you have carers?

OP I have not read everything you have ever posted so yes I may be reading this wrong but if you join all these instances, that you say happen, together what is the common denominator in all this?

There is only so many times a person can consider that everyone else is to blame

This sounds like a balanced take and useful advice.

Is this part of a pattern from your DIL? Are there other people she does not see or contact, e.g. her own parents?

Most of OP’s issues stem from the fact that her DIL is too nice to her mother, or at least nicer than her son is to her.

OP has 4 kids , yet puts all the responsibility of attention, contact , celebrations etc on this one son.

I'm not sure what you are trying to get from another thread OP.

You know what the problem is, but you don't want to accept it.

Your son became your carer, but accident rather than choice.

He then met his partner, moved out and is no longer your carer.

You didn't want him to move out and get married and you wanted him to stay at home looking after him forever.

You therefore blame his wife for him moving out and leaving you alone.

But it is not our children's responsibility to look after us.

You also don't expect any of your other children to do any care.

You need to accept that you were wrong in making him your carer, and in how you reacted when he was married

Yet another thread on mumsnet is not going to help you.

You need to take responsibility for your behaviour and stop putting pressure on him and blaming her.

Then maybe you can have a normal relationship with them

Her user name for a previous thread was AnotherLonelyMIL so it's obvious that she thinks that her son's wife is the issue. OP seems to have a spectacular lack of self-awareness and posts regular threads under different user names and receives the same responses but still doesn't acknowledge her part in the lack of relationship with her youngest son and his wife.

OP has never said her son told her about the pregnancy.

Her last thread in September there was no baby on the way. She says her son hasn’t spoken to her for four months and neither has DIL. She also said she didn’t hear from him over Christmas so presumably she hasn’t heard from him since December.

So the chances are they announced the pregnancy before whatever OP did as the final straw, or what I feel is has a far higher level of likelihood considering she has now contacted her DIL for the first time in 4 months asking to be part of the babies life , one of her other 4 children or another family member told her.

They cannot expect their entire family to keep a pregnancy a secret because their MIL is toxic. Not a single one of OPs posts indicates they’ve waved a pregnancy at her or even made a mention that they want her involved.

The gun went off weeks ago - maybe even months. I think you're not fully versed in OP's story so far.

And I'm not sure "worshipping the ground" a mother walks on is healthy for a young man wanting to be in a relationship.

Make that 5 kids.

If I understood things correctly , it sounds like one child passed away , so trying to be sensitive around tha

Ah, yes. Good spot.

You are entirely correct but I suspect the OP has already departed the thread.

In a couple of months there will be a new thread from TearfulMiL or SadGma bemoaning the terrible DiL and how she alone is responsible for all the ills in the OP’s world until once again people recognise the story.

In every previous thread the OP has been advised about seeking support, on practical help and therapy but still its all the fault of the person who did not come into her life until the relationships were already damaged and who committed the crime of having a good family relationship in her own family.

Yes I agree she may be the cause of some of the animosity but she sounds like a sad and possibly unwell person that needs kindness not being "told". I haven't been on MN for ages but the lack of moderation and the nasty victim blaming is still in full flow, with so much horror and hate in the world, I find that sad.
People only ask for help on here as they are in a bad place, desperate? and need support, even if they are often the main cause of their predicament sometimes( of course forums cannot see the full picture"

If this was the first thread that would be fine. It’s not. And on every single one she’s blaming the DIL . For making a nice speech about her mum at the wedding, for getting a nicer present for her mum , intertwined with “she’s taking my son away from me”. She’s excusing the other kids for barely having any contact because they live far away and have jobs and families of their own, and putting it all on this son.Until that mentality stops and she owns up to her part in this (rather than “I have no idea what I did), nothing will change, because she is the main part of the problem.

How about the scenario that both the OP the DIL and the son are all unpleasant to me its like the armchair detectives in the Nichola Bulley case, harassing "suspects" when in the end she tragically drowned in the river by accident. In context my Kids gran was a toxic drunk and vicious to me verbally and one time when we went all the way up to the home of Tartan to visit, she reduced my 6 year old to tears, had she said she was wrong to give up the bedroom so he could visit and then accused him of being a cry baby. Instead of withdrawing entirely we had roughly annual visits for a few hours on our terms and to be fair having cut right down on the sauce my kids enjoyed being with her and grandad, my dad died before they were born and my mum a few short years afterwards.

Having said that her kids were also pretty toxic, not so much the boys dad. The daughter persuaded the mum to cash in the funeral plan sell the joint plot etc to increase her potential inheritance, they are wealthy so there was plenty of money so the grandad to had a pound shop funeral ashes arrived in a poster tube. No service and the grandad was pretty active in the community in the finance world.. So in a roundabout way all generations can be at fault after all they are related.

Going by the information of her other threads the OP isn't blameless. She seems to want to take no accountability for why none of her kids actually bother with her. I'm guessing she's tried to get all of the other kids to be her carers before goading her son at 16 to be her carer. Did she not think of the stress of his GCSEs before adding caring responsibilities on to him. And even further as he got older being the only one of her children to still bother keeping contact she's now severed the relationship with her manipulative ways and massively controlling demands. If anything his wife has got fed up of her demands and fed up of being blamed for the guy finally saying no to her for once. She's brought this on herself and until she can actually apologise and actually recognise she has something to apologise for rather than thinking saying sorry just for apparently nothing will work

So you did the bare minimum for your teen son(you say he was 16 when he moved home) wouldn't he have been doing or about to do his GCSEs at that point? It wasn't fair to expect him to drop everything to be your carer purely because you did the bare minimum role as a parent. Like "oh I house you and feed you so now you're tied to look after mummy" no wonder he doesn't want to bother with you

again really unkind, why did he leave the father, I don't think there is a suggestion it was a kidnap. I just don't get the hate. Clearly the op and son have different priorities and she misses his company, whether she is mum of the year or not she has a right to feel that. It is probably not resolvable. What is it so important to start attacking people who lets face it none of us know in RL, there is only so much you can get from posts, particularly, when the person doing the posting is in distress. and there is no posts from the others involved

Yes...none of my NPD/BPD mother's children speak to her...but according to her, there is no reason for this and now she has no power/control in the situation, she is the frail and wronged victim. She will tell anyone under the sun about it.

No boundaries can mean many things.

It can be interfering in their relationship. Or saying things that are inappropriate. Not having respect for DIL.

It's possible that DS has told his wife something about you as a mother and she holds it against you.

I suggest you focus on the son that you have a relationship with. It's unfortunate you haven't been given clarity on the boundaries issue, but at this stage try and live your life as best you can.

Build a social network for yourself and fund things to occupy your time.

I imagine that this son and your daughter won't be expecting to inherit anything from you if that is applicable.

To be called a pathetic excuse for a mother, I do believe your son had shared information with her. I dunt think she should have said that to you, especially as your son hasn't.

You can't force people to talk to you.

You know one of those issues OP says she didn’t bring up to them? She actually rang her son at 9pm about it and had a row over it. All because he buys her the same thing every year for Mother’s Day and DIL gets nicer things for her mum . She gets jealous when she sees the gifts on DIL’s mum’s Facebook. Interestingly, one of the boundaries she mentions is not to contact DIL’s mum on Facebook anymore. Pure coincidence I’m sure.

OP is not a reliable narrator .