DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

I've gone through your posts on this thread and can't find anything about what you are apologising for/what they are saying you have done.
If you can't be clear on this nobody can tell you if her comments are justified or not.
Given you seem so reluctant to reveal what it is they are specifically saying it does make me wonder.

I don’t know I really don’t know. I have asked him so many times to come and see me so we can talk face to face and I can properly apologise for whatever it is but he says I’m manipulative and have no boundaries so how can I apologise properly he if he won’t come and see me I am at a complete loss everything I do to try and make it better makes it worse

I have never had a drinking or w drug problem I was a good member of society before I got sick and he never had any questions about my parenting back then

It's highly manipulative to start a thread titled around your DIL, then to say your son and daughter won't speak to you, but not to say why. Are you enjoying this cat and mouse game? Either explain what it's about or shut up. Enough of this 'I was a really good mother but I did make mistakes' nonsense.

What kind of boundaries. This is weird. Was it happy with the boundaries before he found this relationship.
Unless there was abuse it is none of her business. My upbringing was very different from DH, neither was great or bad, all with good intentions, tell him to visit a counsellor and come back to you when it is clear.
DH is often open mouthed at the freedom I had as a teenager and I’m the same on some of his upbringing stories. Again neither was perfect.

I don't understand how you can apologise if you don't think you've done anything wrong.

Are you expecting everyone on this thread to start guessing what the problem might be so you can refute them one by one?!

Anyway, your question was are you BU to think there are no reasons to act like that to your MIL... so yes YABU. There are plenty of reasons. Whether any of them apply to you may remain a mystery!

OP, I would suggest that you try some form of therapy. If your version of events is true then it might help you to come to terms with being cut off. If, as we suspect, there is more to this than maybe even YOU can see yourself, then talking about it to a third party who can drill down into your parenting and your past (as long as you are honest) then it might help you to see what it is that you need to apologise for.

Many people who were terrible parents have no insight into what they did wrong.

Okay so now you know the problem, start developing appropriate parental boundaries. You are in charge of and responsible for everything in your life, money, income, home, jobs that need doing for your own life, appointments, getting people in to fix things in your home and most importantly you are responsible for your own happiness and emotions and they are responsible for everything in their life.

Those are the boundaries.

I'm inclined to agree.

My mother is a pathetic excuse for a parent. I haven't had contact with her in 27 years and she's never met my DCs. She would convincingly tell someone she's a poor, abandoned mother who's done nothing but sacrifice herself for her children only to be cast aside. The reality is she was a neglectful and abusive narcissistic nightmare of a woman who reaped what she sowed.

You’ve done and or said something. You just won’t share what it is.

The only way she knows if you are a good parent or not will be from your sons and daughter. Two of whom have cut you off currently.

You’ve said sorry but claim you don’t know what for but your son has told you, you have no boundaries and are manipulative.

Nobody can help if you won’t be honest.

So you summoned him to your house to talk? Could it be that you want everything on your terms?

Did you demand input into their wedding, for example?

what are the mistakes?
why are they saying you have no boundaries?
What are the things you were asked to apologise for?
What are the reasons they are calling you an unfit mother?

You say you haven't done anything - but what do they believe you have done?

Lack of boundaries is a form of overstepping. Have you done this previously? Unless you be honest here, no one can help.

I notice you offered the information you haven't had an alcoholic drink in years. Was alcohol a problem prior to that?

You are being very cagey and clearly if two of your three kids aren't talking to you, then something is amiss. People generally don't tend to cut their mother out of their life without very good reason so maybe you need to take a really good look at yourself, do some soul searching and ask yourself whether it really is justified and if so, what can you do to change things. Maybe there is nothing you can do, and maybe they are done with you, but taking responsibility and the passing of time possibly could heal. But nothing will change if you just sit back thinking how unfair it is and blaming it all on your DIL.

What is missong?

I don’t know I really don’t know

Nonsense. Of course you know.
You don't want to say what you did because you're aware that nobody on here will be supportive if you do.

@LonelyMIL you have two adult children who are not speaking to you. You have quite clearly done something wrong.

Either you genuinely don’t know, which indicates a total lack of self awareness, empathy, consideration and insight, OR you do know but you are ashamed and are seeking to minimise and dismiss it in an attempt to convince yourself and your kids that it is no big deal.

You will not save this relationship by saying sorry when you don’t know what you are saying sorry for. It is going to take vulnerable conversations, listening without objection, self reflection and genuine motivation to change.

Your DIL was nasty to you. Without hearing her reasons why, we can’t judge if it was justified or not.

How would your DC and DIL describe you?

I was just trying to find this as the OP is following it like a script. It starts with 'they never told me why' and inevitably morphs into 'they did tell me why, but I decided that want a good enough reason/they didn't complain at the time/they've always been dramatic'.

Much like the cheating husband script, it's depressing how often you see the same pattern once you know what you're reading.

When he says you don't have boundaries, do you think that's fair? Do you understand what he's saying? Have you recognised the harmful behaviours and made a commitment to him to stop them? Have you made changes to your behaviour to show him that you're taking him seriously?

If you're semi-estranged from your children there's no way you can leap right into having a relationship with your grandchild. You have to prove to them that you can be a safe adult and a respectful presence in their lives. Ask your son what he needs to see from you to show him that you've taken him seriously, that you're willing and able to change, that you're committed to being the person he needs you to be. After a lengthy period of consistent good behaviour from you, with no pressure about seeing your grandchild, he is much more likely to view you as a safe person who can be trusted.

Are you constantly asking or rather demanding help? Constantly oversharing? Telling the how to do things? Making your self the centre of attention? Everything got to be your way?

You mentioned inviting him to yours to talk, why not a cafe neutral ground.

Children don’t notice their parents bad habits often till they have others parent to view with adult eyes.

This all sounds very similar to my own mother. She would also claim, loudly and repeatedly, that she was a 'good mother' and she couldn't understand why some of her children weren't talking to her.

The fact is, she was physically and emotionally abusive. She would never accept that (for example) walloping your daughter about the head and shoulders while she cowered on the floor was abusive. Or when she threw a bucket of water over one of her sons while he was ironing his clothes. Or when she threw another son's clothes out of a window and locked the front door on him, leaving him outside with no money and nowhere to go.

Sometimes it takes meeting someone who had a more 'normal' childhood to show you what your parent did wrong. I suspect this it what has happened with the OP's son. I'm not saying that the OP has been as bad as my mother, but something has happened (or many somethings) and OP won't acknowledge that.

No I just said I haven’t in years as I can’t with meds and someone asked if I have a drinking problem I’ve never been a big drinker anyway

I am not being cagey on purpose I am just not really clear what they think I have done other than him saying I’m a victim and manipiagibe and have no boundaries which are not true and make me sound shallow

Are you the MIL who was upset your DIL mentioned her own mum at their wedding but didn’t mention you? And was also upset she made an effort for her own mum on Mother’s Day but your son did nothing for you and again, that was somehow her fault?

Exactly. OP can't.
So if she doesn't understand what she's done wrong, then she needs to start trying to understand. Her son has clearly told her something; she just doesn't like his answer or agree with it.

I think talking to a therapist might help OP unpick whether her behaviour is the issue, or whether it might be something else.

And it would probably help her son to see that his mother is trying to change.