DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

Without talking to him or her we don’t know the back story.

My parents are abusive. Publicly they are pillar of society, retired professionals, millionaires etc
They abused me for years, usually were clever and didn't leave bruises, my mother didn’t hit me but I was stupid and ignorant and fat even when anorexic and doing a PhD at Oxbridge. When I questioned my abuse as an adult I was told it didn’t happen or I was too sensitive. They would shout ‘I’m sorry’ and claim not to know what they were apologising for etc in the 6 years since I went no contact well actually they did as they wouldn’t meet me in public under conditions such as no name calling - my life is bloody peaceful.

My Ex husband in-laws never hit me but they were bloody vile and snide verbally and I don’t miss them either!

You are assuming anyone actually said that. The OP has posted a number of threads, each representing the DiL as wholly negative, each regretting that DS is no longer a handy carer. Each making it clear the the background is far more complex and deep running than “My DiL is a horrible meany who dared to make a speech at her own wedding”.

I agree with PP - repeated posts on MN on the awfulness of her lot is not going to help the OP. Each thread starts the same way with the OP as innocent victim of horrible DiL, then eventually someone twigs the previous threads and links them.

The OP needs RL help probably in the form of some sort of therapy and potentially practical advice related to her disability if that would be useful. Nothing anyone says here is going to change her worldview or the feelings of her family.

@LonelyMIL You sound exactly like my own DM, who we see once maybe twice a year, she has no relationship with one of my brothers at all. If you ask her she would have no idea why this is.

If you ask us - she neglected us as children, she manipulated everything - If i cleaned it was a dig at her ability, she would throw me out once a week, she sided with my physically abusive father over us on a daily basis. We were evicted from homes, moved around, as children not prioritised. Left with no food as she and he would rather buy themselves new things. I have to wonder if she's forgotten it all to be honest - She has met my youngest 4 times in his 5 year life, but would tell everyone I'm keeping him from her - but not why, not because I absolutely cannot understand just how she could feign such innocence in the way our lives went as kids. She sent us to grandparents, I didn't live with her for a lot of my childhood and then she wonders why I feel very blase towards her. she wasn't around Xmas morning one year, was off with her partner at the time. she prioritised herself over anyone, including her 3 children.

there will be stories your son has told her which give her reason to want to stay away from you, instead of shouting sorrys - you need to reflect on the years and figure out how his view of history could look very different to yours.

I read that and all her responses and straight away said "Missing Reasons".

Why did your daughter cease contact with you?

We’d need the background which you clearly don’t want to give or maybe don’t really understand what actions have led to this.

My dad claims I haven’t see him for 2 years because his girlfriend had to leave an event through illness. The full story is somewhat different. And the problem is you can only see it from one side.

What do they mean when they say boundaries? Did one sibling abuse others? Any partners and friends you brought into their life that harmed them? Why was he living with his dad. If you want advice or opinion you really need to give context. You really need to figure it out if you want to move forward with your family. You said he wanted an apology and you said sorry but you don't know what you're saying sorry for, so it's not a meaningful apology.

I have read all of your responses to posts OP and quite honestly you sound just like my MIL who is absolutely a pathetic excuse for a mother.

Grown adults don’t cut their parents out for no reason at all and two out of three of your children have cut you out, so that’s a big sign you have done something wrong. There are obviously reasons but I would imagine you are the type to never admit blame and think you have done nothing wrong.

sounds to me like DS moved back in with you as a teenager and was forced to care for you. You probably manipulated and guilt tripped him with the typical narcissist MIL comments of “I put a roof over your head”, “I fed and clothed you”, “it’s your turn to look after me now” . Honestly I’ve heard it 1000 times over from my own MIL to my DH.

He’s now married and got his own family. You don’t like it, because you are no longer his priority.

it really is as simple as that. There is probably not much you can do now as I would assume you’re not going to admit any fault and you won’t change your behaviour because people like you don’t.

I Apologise if this feels like an attack, but you asked for opinions and you have gotten them. This all hit home way too hard for me and if you didn’t say you had an unborn grandchild I would be questioning whether you were my MIL!

You’ve definitely done something and are oblivious and ignorant to it.

When you say you haven’t had a drink “ in years” does that mean that you did drink when your children were young?

My Mother was a raging alcoholic (it killed before she got to 50) but would never admit it.
My early childhood was hell. I was neglected, underweight, and generally ignored.

Just wondering if this is possibly similar? No judgement, just curious.

This is the kind of blender I refuse to stick my hand in when it comes to taking a side or having any kind of viewpoint. I'm more than happy to sit here on the fence, even though there's barbed wire sticking in my arse with this one!

Sorry this made me laugh out loud. I can see exactly what you mean though.

I think you need to give this time.
Do you have any inkling whatsoever what this is over?

I remember your old posts now...

Drip
Drip
Drip
💧
This is boring and tedious. I’m not your DIL and even I’m annoyed at how you’re manipulating this conversation.
I can only imagine what you’re like in RL.
Face the music, own your shit, and make amends. If you can’t even own up to whatever your behaviour is on here, you have no chance in the real world.

I think I remember your posts, you were upset at lack of contact with son and dil never spoke to you/ he would get off when she came home?
it seems like maybe you relied too heavily on your son and you need to find a way to be more independent. Keep your relationship with your son (on his terms) and keep the door open for your dil and dd to be involved

The one I remember most is...
DS buys a card and gift for Mother's Day. OP is happy, same level of gift as always. Then she sees that DIL and her siblings have done what they always do... flowers, meal, etc. DIL is then highly unreasonable. All the rest are similar, but OP has no idea of what she's done...

I've read all OP's responses here and on the other threads linked.

You became unhealthily reliant on your teenage son when he came to live with you - not only as a Carer but for companionship. You were OK with his GF being in his life while he lived with you but when he moved out to be with her you became horribly jealous.

You've said that you "made a mistake" about a monetary gift towards their wedding, for which you've apologised, you pestered them for frequent visits, you were incensed that your DIL has a close relationship with her mum, which has highlighted how yours with son does not compare, you were aggrieved that they wouldn't visit at Xmas and now you've said something that's caused them and your DD to go NC.

It's a car crash of your own making through sheer jealousy.

The only way you can retrieve any hope for a future relationship is to BACK OFF completely. No phone calls, no letters, no communication at all directly or via others.

Give them that space and silence for at least 3 months.

https://issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons/

^^ This could have been written about you based on this thread alone. I suggest you have a read.

I am getting confused with everything they are saying I have done
What have they said you have done and why is it confusing to you?

She also said I cannot see unborn grandchild as I am not safe to be around
What happened to make them feel unsafe?

Yes I have made some mistakes
What mistakes have you made?

i said sorry multiple times because he asked me to and said he wouldn’t speak to me unless I apologised
What were you apologising for?

he never had any questions about my parenting back then
There is no time or age limit on when you can reflect on your own upbringing and your subsequent relationship with your parents. His feelings now are not any less valid because he did not raise it with you 10/20/30 years ago.

I am just not really clear what they think I have done other than him saying I’m a victim and manipiagibe and have no boundaries
How can you say that you are not clear what they think you have done, then list three very specific examples of issues they have raised with you. They feel you are a victim, manipulative (assume that’s what you meant) and have no boundaries. That is very clear.

He said he never wanted to care for me and was forced into it
Another very clear example of where they have told you what their issue is. Why are you continuing to claim they haven’t told you and you don’t know what you’ve done, whilst literally listing what you’ve done?!

I spent Christmas all alone
This is not the fault of your one adult child. They do not prevent you from spending time with other family members or friends. They are not responsible for your happiness and social engagements.

I’ve done everything they asked but notbinf will fix it
What have they asked you to do and what have you done? All the way through your messages, as I’ve listed above, you’ve claimed you have no idea what you’ve done wrong despite them clearly telling you. If you aren’t capable of processing and hearing what they say, let alone acknowledging it or taking some accountability, then I’m not sure what you could possibly have done to rectify this situation?

I voted YABU because of the manipulative way you asked your question with minimal information about what happened to elicit sympathy with your "I just want a relationship"

And the fact your son hasn't spoken to you in months says a lot about you and for some reason you're only upset at your DIL and not your son.

You do come across as manipulative with the way you started this thread and the way you keep going on about how you've never had a drinking or drug problem when you know fully well that isn't the issue here.

That's a classic deflective tactic where you use a red herring (irrelevant information) to distract from the real issue. It's also a way to minimize the issues raised by your son and DIL.

It might have been too little too late.

Sometimes people can be told over and over what they need to do and don’t do it.
Then when they do take the advice they expect all the years of wrongdoings to be forgotten and the slate wiped clean.

All I can say is stop trying to make contact, stop trying to have a relationship with those who don’t want to talk to you and spend the time on your other children and try not to overstep the mark.

When you have come to terms with and appreciate what it was you did wrong and can genuinely apologise for your actions. Write to them and apologise to them. You might or might not get a reply but it is something that you will have to leave up to them

Trying to constantly pick at the wound is not allowing time for healing.

Try to look at every action as how it could be received. Not whether you would like it but how the other person would like it.
My mother’s favourite line was “If I were you” She genuinely had no concept that I wasn’t her. My likes and dislikes, my personality, my choices were all met with anger, confusion and disappointment because they weren’t her choices. Even if they had nothing to do with her.
She would look at me confused when I pointed out that I wasn’t her.

You are horrible about your DIL because you can't put the blame where it truly lies - yourself.

You've placed an intolerable burden on your son since he was just 16. He was forced to be your carer and your pseudo-spouse. It wasn't until he moved in with his wife that he had the space to see what a lousy situation it was.

When dysfunctional is your normal life, you can't see that it's so damaging. Your youngest was expected to be your physical, emotional and social support human, and now he can see how wrong it is.

You ring him and get huffy when he hangs up to greet his wife. You've stalked her mother on social media and are irrationally jealous they they have a close relationship. You overstep their boundaries again and again. You think they should come over for dinner every week when they don't want to see you at all.

You didn't see your daughter for FIVE YEARS and she's on her little brother's side. Your other children aren't interested in spending time with you over significant holidays.

You've been so busy not listening to them that I expect nothing will penetrate anymore.

My mother thinks she's done nothing wrong, she said sorry for not being a perfect mother but she had a hard time too. She doesn't understand why I don't visit her because I wont tell her and she doesn't know what she should tell her friends. She's also blamed my partner.

Your children are upset and are coping with it as best they can. You have hurt them and they don't want the drama in their lives. You have said what you've said, they have made their decision, so now please leave them alone.