DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

The thing is, without accepting and acknowledging where she fucked up, there will be no change or hope of reconciliation.

You said you have apologised but don't know what you have done wrong.

Why did you apologise and for what?

The disability is not your fault but don't say what it is, how it impacts your every day life. You presumably live alone and do for yourself.

Something must have happened if you crossed boundaries. People don't cut parents out of their lives for nothing. There is more to this situation than you are saying, especially as your daughter has also sidelined you.

Now you have to be independent and not make your life all about your children. Accept the situation and get on with things.

Strongly suspect you’ve done something worthy of this tbf.

I feel exactly the same way about my partners mum, she is a pathetic excuse for both a mother and just general human to be honest. Partner hasn’t spoken to her in 3 years, his own choice. I spent years when our eldest was tiny encouraging him
to give her another chance and have a relationship with her because it’s his mum at the end of the day but time and time again she threw it back in his face. Now, if he wants to have a relationship with her he absolutely can and should, I’d never stop that because she’s not dangerous or abusive, she’s just a knobhead. But, she is having nothing to do with our kids and I want nothing to do with her because I will tell her about herself and I won’t be nice.

People don’t generally form these views for no reason and I suspect your version of events is not entirely transparent.

Oh there are reasons... but i need to hear hers to say if shes U or you are

If you havent done anything why did you say sorry?

If its easier tell us what she alleges you did

If DS DD and DDIL all wont speak to you the problem is unlikely everyone else.

If you wont even say what theyre alleging we cant say if youre U, or advise on how to fix it. If you have friends maybe ask their opinion?

I've read all OP's posts and I'm none the wiser.

OP you seem like hard work. If you said sorry, what exactly are you saying sorry for? What did you DO that meant you had to say sorry?

These posts will always divide us because some people have been badly treated by our parents who have no idea what they’ve done wrong and blame everything else on why their kids have problems with them and then we have poor MiLs who have been cast aside.
I am NC with my MiL and she isn't allowed to see my DC. Nor do any of her family members have anything to do with her and she has genuinely had more husbands than Henry the 8th had wives. If she was to post here it would be myself and DHs ex girlfriend who twisted him against her. Exgf and I actually have a nice friendship and she told me a story where she lied about something being gluten free because MiL thought it was attention seeking twattery for poor exgf to end up extremely unwell.
I can only say as an estranged DiL I wish I had a mil that I could dote on and was safe around my children, but more than that my lovely husband had a lovely mum. I don’t think anyone wins with NC, but sometimes peace from the drama is too priceless. But I am sorry you’re hurting and miss your family. 💐

Actually it sounds like the dad raised the boy. When op and her husband split the children stayed with him. Op only had him at 16 plus years old she then turned into her career.

Thank you

I personally think the OP has been bashed enough.

Not bashing her in that post I don’t feel.

But if people want to say she raised a man well enough for the dil to marry when by op’s own postings it sounds like she did not it’s fair to point it out.

I also don’t think the whole well you raised someone good enough has much standing regardless, like people are not also influenced by outside and sometimes home life pushes them to the opposite knowing they don’t want to be like that.

For newcomers. OP has a history of jealous, controlling, demanding, smothering, and manipulative behaviour towards her son and DIL and does not seem to be able to reflect on her contribution to the chasm between her and her children. She doesn't seem to understand the advice being given here or the previous threads.

But she is lonely. Even though I understand very well why her son and DIL have backed off and are angry (having been in their shoes), it's still sad to read her posts.

OP, I think the only hope here is therapy for you, and then perhaps later you could invite your son to joint therapy, if the therapist thinks that is a good idea. Can you talk to your GP about this?

What about his father in all this ? Do they yave a good relationship? What does he say about your parenting ?

I agree you need therapy to unpick this preferably with the children

Oh, I remember you...

Becoming a carer at 16 would be enough to cause your son a problem and then later cause a problem for your daughter in law. Sorry/apologies unfortunately can't rewrite his life, he obviously feels heavily impacted by what happened. I'm mum to a DS who is now 24, there's no way he would have even been asked to provide care for me at 16, no way at all.
Take a step back, leave them alone, in time she may agree to building bridges, but that time isn't now and she clearly doesn't want you involved with the grandchild whilst it's a baby (possibly because you may visibly struggle to care for yourself and ds doesn't want to step back into that role?) Take a hard look at your interactions with all of them and see where you can build up a support network without relying on them, then reach out for just short visits with no fear of being 'expected' to look after you.
My dad was disabled my whole life, it took a long time for our relationship to recover when he became extremely needy and flatly refused to actually pay for the care he needed. Look at ways of helping yourself so that your son doesn't need to feel that you are pushing him back into a role he doesn't want

True.
The op is so obvious in her attempted manipulation of us that it clearly shows her nature and pretty much answers the question of why most of her kids noped out of her life.

This thread feels very manipulative. It’s like stringing everyone along to get a reaction.

Strange. There is not one bit of self reflection in your posts. Apologies if I am missing something, but all I can see is your assertions of complete innocence.

Truth is, none of us are completely innocent. We all are screwing up regularly. It's how we react to it that defines our relationships. I also haven't met a decent Mother that doesn't ask herself every day " could I have done that better?"

You really need to sit with yourself and try and see things from another point of view than your own. Your answers might be there.

I think a really key thing to remember is that no one has any entitlement over the time/presence of someone else.

OP is being strangely vague here, but ultimately she would likely be better off accepting that these people are no longer in her life. My only suggestion would be to send one final letter to each of your DC (leave DIL out) and set out that you don't understand their position but are keen to do so if they could take the time to explain, that you would like to make amends, but regardless you will always love them and will respect their choice to be NC however much that may hurt you. Say your door will always be open but you won't contact again for fear of putting any pressure on.
I would then suggest that you have therapy to try and unpick your own feelings and accept this difficult outcome.

Have you heard of karma OP ? What comes around goes around ? Look it up , it has a habit of turning round and biting you on the bum

Oh Jesus , just read the other threads. I can definitely see where the son and DIL are coming from.

@LonelyMIL So from what your Dil is saying you lack boundaries. And your son was your carer when you got disabled. Did you ask him and he felt he couldn't say no? And did that caring involve intimate care as well (showers/toilet)?

When he decided to move out how was your reaction to that? Do you have a carer today? Have you been making passive aggressive comments to your son and daughter about how lonely you are and how nobody cares for you?

I do feel for you- being disabled is shit. But it's important to not be a burden to your children or they will protect themselves by going nc eventually for their own mh.

Your biggest problem seem to be that you have no insight at all as to why they are reacting the way they do. Your Dil doesn't sound unhinged- in that case she would have called you names. What she pointed out to you was that you have hurt your son by your behaviour (poor excuse of a mother, lacking boundaries). It's problematic that you have no idea what she's talking about because you can't move forward towards having a relationship with them if you don't understand where they think you went wrong. If you really want to be honest about this, to yourself as much as to them, then ask for a letter/text explaing where you went wrong so you have the opportunity to gain insight and make amends. But you need to be brave. And honest. And realise that you can have hurt the people you love the most even if it wasn't your intention to ever do that. Do you have what it takes to question yourself OP? If not, then you will just have to continue your life without them.

These sound like talking points he has learned from his wife.

"You don't have boundaries" means you sometimes make normal human demands on them, like wanting some occasional signs of affection or a bit of their time.

"Manipulative" means you don't immediately accept everything they say as the gospel truth or do exactly what they tell you to do.

They have probably been spending too long on TikTok.

The other threads are very telling, bloody hell.