DIL said I’m a pathetic excuse of a mother

[LonelyMIL]

DIL called me a pathetic excuse of a mother and said I should be ashamed of myself.

Son wont talk to me in months now

AIBU thinking there’s no reason ever to be this horrible to your mother in law who is just trying to have a relationship

It seems like you are failing to recognise your part in this issue, but your son, daughter and DIL are all against you on it, it must be frustrating for them for you to be giving fake apologies and hollow promises but refuse to admit you have ever done anything wrong. What's the point in saying sorry if you don't mean it?

It is quite telling that you are blaming your DIL for this situation though when it is abundantly clear that it stems from your own son and your own daughter and their relationship with you, maybe DIL is the only one that isn't afraid to tell you what she thinks.

Shockingly to some mumsnetters here. SOME daughter in laws (and some son in laws) manipulate and turn their spouse against their mother (or father or both) for absolutely no reason. It's a common abuse tactic. If this was a son in law doing this the responses would be different and you all know that. Sounds like daughter in law is isolating her husband from his parent....

Have you read the other posts op made?

So you have two grown children who refuse to see you?

The problem is you.

To be honest you don’t sound like you’re being entirely honest with yourself

With what has been said to/about you, there would have either been a trigger or a cumulative sequence of events.

You seem to be blaming DIL but the truth is your own son doesn’t want anything to do with you. To me, that doesn’t suggest it’s all on her. He’s made his own mind up.

Did she say why she feels like this?

Yes, They do. It’s quite common.

Can you send link of previous threads please?

Maybe but the situation may not be that simple. Plenty of adult children have mental health challenges themselves. A problem in a relationship doesn't automatically mean that one party must be responsible. Given that mental health conditions often have a genetic components, it's not unusal for both the parent and adult child to experience challenges and form a toxic dynamic when put together. We're the generation of 'boundaries' but don't always self reflect on what we bring to the relationship which can make it toxic. Just look at Prince Harry - I have no doubt that his parents were difficult, underinvolved, distant and not partiuclarly affectionate. But Harry himself also seems to be difficult, entitled and lacking insight. Both parties are clearly contributing to the toxic relationship between Charles and Harry. It's not that unusual and can't all be blamed on a parent.

Already posted on this thread

Oh god leave the man alone, the Harry Meghan bashing on here is beyond grim. We have no idea what he went through.

Don't judge people in abusive situations because you have no idea one way or the other what happened to him.

My sister has a MIL who has never accepted her, always made her feel unwelcome, always been nasty to her. My SIL & BIL are married with teenage children and this woman just wont give it a rest. Its been almost 5 years no contact now and let me tell you she is the only one missing out. Don't expect your child to favour you over the person they have chosen to spend the rest of their life with. They should never have to make that choice.

Youre not supposed to be besties, thats why theres the term 'the dreaded in laws'. Youre forced into a familial relationship with someone who is not family. You don't have to like each other, but you have to both love the person you have in common enough to be adults and get along. Sounds like shes had enough of your shit.

Throw in losing his mother in a tragic accident when he was only 12, the racism directed at his wife from the press and some other members of the Royal Family and the complete lack of support from his own father and it is very clear why Harry could be seen as 'difficult'.

The King has absolutely no relationship with two of his grandchildren and he doesn't seem to give a fuck.

That's awful-you raised a son she was happy to marry, didn't you?
I really hate the sexism against MILs-you seldom hear about men complaining about their FIL in the same way-I am not saying it's always wrong for a person to criticise an in-law for something they have specifically done, it's the old sexist trope of the MIL/DIL I hate. As a feminist, I think women should support other women-and never start of with the stereotype that there "should" be issues with a MIL.

Have you read the linked previous posts from OP?
People shouldn't hate their in laws automatically but just because your mil raised the man you love, doesn't mean you have to like her if her behaviour is awful. This doesn't seem like a problem Dil case, it's a problem mil

That’s exactly the point, we don’t know what either the parent or adult child has experienced so judging one party as wholly responsible is rarely fair. My response to a poser was saying that just because a child isn’t in contact doesn’t automatically mean that the parent is to blame as the dynamic is complex. It’s hardly Harry bashing to point out that they have a complex dynamic and it’s unlikely to be as simple as either Harry or Charles is to blame. Meghan was not mentioned by me. Feel free to to skip past my post if the analogy to a famous parent and adult child dynamic bothers you.

So your son and your daughter (and DIL) want no relationship and your other children live far away and don't visit. And you have fixated your anger on your DIL. And you have done nothing to deserve this.

Both of my parents' adult children are no contact with them, one for 8 years, the other for nearly 20. They tell anyone and everyone that they "have no reason" why. They blame us, the children, they blame our spouses, they blame anything and everything they can except for themselves.

Trust me when I say that there are MANY reasons why neither me nor my sibling want them in our lives and it was repeatedly spelled out for them, too. They had endless chances and they blew each and every one.

When someone insists that they have done nothing wrong despite the majority of people in their lives wanting distance from them, that alone shows the attitude that brought them to this point.

You have brought this on yourself and you continue to perpetuate it.

Would you like the whole thread repeated for you?

You’re clearly comfortable deciding that their dynamic is entirely due to the parent. I respectfully disagree because I think relationships are complex dynamics and it’s rare for one party to be entirely to blame. I doubt anyone of us know whether Charles does or doesn’t care about a relationship with his grandchild. We’ve only heard Harry’s side as the place choose to avoid presenting their own sides. There’s plenty truth to what you’ve said but I think much is left out. Hardly the point of this thread though and my point is really that dynamics are complex and shouldn’t be pinned on person in most cases.

Why don't you and @thepariscrimefilestake it outside? We're discussing this thread.

Op has 4 children and not one of them saw her at Christmas. One of them hasn't seen her for 5 years. On previous threads the DS was the only one who did maintain regular contact with his mother. The common denominator is not the DIL

Did the DIL manipulate OP’s daughter to go NC too?

Harsh night tonight. I apologise if it was derailing, I thought a different adult child relationship might offer a different way of looking at this one.

I don’t think the OP is necessarily entirely responsible because her child won’t talk to her. Her child may also play a role. I don’t think it’s helpful o tell the OP that she’s definitely a bad mother, which some posters have, because we don’t know. Mumsnet can be quick to tell a parent or MIL that they’re always responsible and relationships are often more complicated. Of course the OP may know much more and then this is irrelevant but she also sounds very upset and calling her a guaranteed bad mother probably use helpful.

I'm always suspicious if more than one child rejects thier mum. I know there are some controlling DILs but the fact your daughter doesn't talk to you either is a red flag.

OP get a puppy and perhaps a cat.
They'll be very good company.
Be kind to them always.