AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

my late mil told me dh to leave me once after a disadreemnt-he told her if she didnt apologise and be nice to m sh would never see him again

she even tually did-thats how a dh should be

and yes they were close

Your husband has a toxic bond with his emotionally manipulative Mother, who sounds like she has a Narcissistic personality. Breaking such a bond requires therapy, recognising that the relationship between himself and his Mother is unhealthy. You are right in wanting nothing to do with her, and I would not want my children spending any time alone with her, either. But expecting your husband to just break bonds with her without him getting professional help is unlikely to happen.

Was there any reason at all why you were not invited to the family meal?
Has this ever happened before?
If not, why do you suppose she’s doing it now?
It seems very odd to do this out of the blue.
Is there any kind of backstory?

Are you from a different culture from your husband?
This would explain the lack of invite when a prospective new family member member was visiting.

What a dumb woman - at least your H appears to be on your side. May be time for you to have a full and frank discussion with MIL about where this will eventually lead.

I have a highly manipulative MIL who treated me very badly. DH could see it but tolerated and tried to keep the peace until he couldn't ignore it anymore. I totally get why you don't want to be the person to say 'it's me or her.' I had to accommodate some things as DH's family were important to him and he wanted them in our DCs lives.

But I did insist on some boundaries for the sake of our relationship and my sanity. In the end MIL and a lot of the family absolutely hated said boundaries and completely destroyed their relationship with DH. Basically showed exactly who the controlling ones where all along. He is now NC with his family and is at peace with it because he came to the realisation for himself.

You have a DH problem, he sounds incredibly dim if he buys into his mums emotional manipulation. I have a feeling dh enjoys the drama; I can’t see any other reasonable explanation- nothing else makes sense.
this divide is completely his doing, by telling her all of your business, the fact that your MIL didn’t like his previous gf shows that your DH also did this to his previous partner.

The least DH can do is refuse to tell her about your arguments and when she starts the illness blackmail ignore her, it’s clearly rubbish. No one ever died because they didn’t hear the ins and outs of someone else’s personal business.

Absolutely he should have dealt with this terrible situation before it escalated.

You need to move away. You can avoid her, and Dh can visit mummy less often, and certainly won't be tempted to go running to her 5 minutes after you've had a row if she's 2 hours away. Problem solved.

You were told early on that your MIL hates you and your BIL thinks you're a c*. You should have never married such a spineless and shit stirring man. This is not a normal family and the longer you and your kids stay in this toxic family the more damaged you will all be.

Hating is not good, for your own sake as much as anyone's. I personally would never invite a person to a meal without their partner, but I do have friends who regularly go out with their mums with kids for meals without their partner, so tbf I have heard of people favouring blood relatives over in-laws like this.
I would try to get her, your husband and yourself in a room to talk and sort it out. Your kids, and her grandkids, are literally made of you all, and need you to be able to respect each other. I wouldn't marry any man if our families couldn't get on, but as you're already married, you need to either sort this out or leave. Your husband sounds like he's the one that has been rudest to you, from what I read.

He married you not his mum. His days of relying on mum are far behind him now. He has a wife and children and as a family you are a unit. You come as one. She sounds like an interferring busy body. What about your father in law? You find they are sometimes quiet and want a quiet life. Or is he no longer around and maybe loneliness is her deep down issue. Hence why she needs the nitty gritty details of your lives together. Stand back, take a deep breath and remember you will come out looking like the better, stronger woman and mother by showing your children how you actually behave as an adult. Im sure your children would think differently of nanny if they knew she called you a C.

If he is family orientated he needs to recognise that you and his children are his primary family now.

Husband appears to be on her side? How?
He runs to mummy to tell tales when he has a disagreement with his wife, he lied to his now wife about her family not wanting to see her, he doesn't immediately revert to hus mother and demand respect for his wife.

He is the problem.

Listen, your problem was not ending the relationship when your son was telling you she doesn’t like you. Is it really that surprising that years later, she still doesn’t like you? Surely this outcome was predictable.

Can I ask why your Bil wants your children there without you

It all sounds really creepy. I personally wouldn’t let my children anywhere near him or the mil.

Give your dh an ultimatum

Nothing good can come from this type of thing

Sounds like enmeshed family - google it if you want to see it it applies, enmeshed mother /son relationships lack adult boundaries and the parent is emotionally immature. Sounds so much like this. I’d not be able to stay with my husband if he put up with me being treated like this. It’s also a form of control to criticise you and make you feel like they’ll say “you turned the children against them” - their behaviour is what would lead to boundaries being set, not you turning children against them. They don’t see or take accountability for their actions - blame you. You can hold boundaries and explain as your children are older why you had to do this, what behaviour was unacceptable - nothing to do with turning against. Anyway - she’s openly against you. I just stopped trying with my in laws - nothing said, just stopped any effort, I was getting criticised anyway. I haven’t turned my children against them, they did it themselves.

You have a husband problem here. He shouldn't be running to mummy after an argument or sharing details. Getting a one sided version of events isn't helping her view of you and until that stops your relationship with your mil is doomed to calamity. I would stop after school childcare given that the relationship has broken down to this extent. I would simply explain that I felt uncomfortable allowing my child to be looked after by somebody who actively dislikes me and we did not want to put her out. I would then explain to your husband that he is welcome to take the children to see your mil every other Sunday (as an example) but then be very clear to him that you are unhappy with how he prioritises his mother over you. It's unhealthy to be that beholden to her and boundaries need to be drawn. You expect your mil to be polite and civil about you in front of your children as otherwise contact with them will stop (you must do likewise and be civil about them in front of them) and I would encourage him to think seriously about whether he feels comfortable remaining in the same room as somebody who badmouths, uninvited and undermines his wife.

DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU.

@Sunshine231, you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

You have a very serious DH problem, and you need to stop kidding yourself about this.

Oh Lordy be no one would put up with her behaviour, well done for not exploding before now and how good of your hubby to support you, so often these situations result in 'men' siding with their Mummies!

It’s not out of the blue at all. She’s done it loads of times before, she says it’s because BIL would be uncomfortable if I was there. She feeds him a load of rubbish about me based on what DH has told her about our arguments. She exaggerates and has also completely made stuff up. Because she doesn’t like me, BIL also decided he does not like me. When she has spouted a lot of poisonous stuff about me in the past I have defended myself which she does not like

What are you planning to do about the situation @Sunshine231?

You can't change your MIL's behaviour. You might not be able to change your DH's behaviour, which clearly should change. I don't think your marriage has any long term future if he doesn't change his behaviour. What are you going to do?

As previously said, your husband needs to grow a pair and I'd be telling him so. Your MIL is a manipulative witch. I'd be NC with her immediately.