AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

I would sit down with DH and tell him you have arranged for wraparound care for your child as since mil threatened to not pick child up you know you she is unreliable. I would tell him you understand he feels piggy in the middle but you are not going to tolerate being made out to be a c*nt by his family all the time any longer. They have tried to drive a wedge between you both for years but you won’t allow them to damage your DC and badmouth you to them. You come as a package with your children and they don’t get to choose them without you.

I can’t believe your DH would think it’s OK to discuss arguments/personal things- that has to stop, he needs to ignore the emotional blackmail from his mother and see it for what it is.
In fact you should both stop speaking to them until they behave like normal human beings instead of insane bullies. If they see no reaction and silence it might do them good - it can’t really get any worse.
Your DH might need to make a hard choice to go NC in future if this is allowed to carry on which is sad - but he’s your husband and father to your children and you and the kids should come first.
If it was me I’d never speak to them again- your BIL’s insults and language would be the final straw and says everything about the kind of people they are.

Yes - this!

Oh for goodness sake, OP. Did the oncologist tell her that? "Oh, by the way MIL, we have proven through tests that you have pancreas inflammation which we also proved is cancer, which we also proved was caused by the stress you experienced through your son telling you his relationship woes."

What a load of old nonsense!

Why is your husband choosing to swallow this codswallop?! It beggar's belief! Surely he's not so utterly naive and gullible to believe this tripe?

The only person here that needs a talking to is your husband, OP. He has a Mummy Problem.

I don’t remember ever telling my DM when DH & I have argued! I might moan about him from time to time but that’s usually about how messy he is etc. I would be so
pissed off if he was running to his mum telling her details of arguments. Your marriage is none of her business.

This jumped out at me too, that DH lied to OP about visiting his brother.

He consistently puts placating his family above his OP eg BiL "insists" that DH brings the children to the PiLs when he visits, but not OP. And DH complies. 🤷‍♀️

MiL is a nightmare, but there's a huge DH problem too.

She doesn’t have cancer. It turned out to be a stomach ulcer caused by blood pressure medication she takes. I was just giving an example of the emotional manipulation she uses. DH was beside himself for weeks worried sick that she had pancreatic cancer.

It really doesn't matter if she did or did not, OP. Cancer doesn't work like that so her explanation for it should be obvious to your husband.

You have ignored my ultimate point - this is your husband's issue to fix, not yours.

He has a Mummy Problem and needs to sort it out. I would never put up with this from my husband and my husband would never put up with this from his mother.

DH fears his birth family because all members are coercively controlled by mum, her word is law and they all manipulate and threaten any member of the family who steps out of line.
Everything was planned, BIL to reject meeting you, to call you a c*nt to push you away from your DH. He asks to see the DC so your DH feels guilty if he refuses as his brother lives away plus if he refuses it would end up in a big bust up. Your MIL wants to twist anything your DH tells her so you know they have been talking about you to cause trouble between you. She has even preempted the possibility that you reject her maliciousness by saying you want to sever her bond with the kids, she has said it hoping you will be reluctant to protect your DC and prove her right. She knows her actions and words against you could cost her dearly but she has summed you up as not wanting to rock the boat and upsetting your DH. She thinks you are weak and an easy adversary! She gets her DH and older son to have a go at your DH when she feels she is losing the battle so he feels under attack from all of them.

@SpryCat is right.

Your situation is serious. Your MIL's behaviour is so obvious when you give examples, but your DH has had to deal with this all his life and can't see it. His dad and brother are also involved. Until you came along, they all just went along with what she wanted and it was easier. It was their normal. But her behaviour towards you is not normal. But its hard for you to do anything about it. you can only sort out what you want to do.

When someone is guilt tripping and throwing unfounded accusations at you with the intention of driving a wedge between you.. it can be very hard for you to keep putting your rational case (hard because you will be upset) to someone who is being manipulated like this.

I think you need support and some kind of couples counselling/therapy where you and your DH can discuss this properly so that you are both focussing and listening, instead of rushed conversations where one person can walk away because its too much to handle. You need a strategy to deal with this or things will only get worse. Its a shame because outside of this madness it sounds like you are a happy family unit.

Also, who gives an F if his brother is demanding to see your DC when he rings up and repeatedly screams that you are a C, for no reason and decided from the outset that there was something wrong with you. I would not allow someone like that access to my DC. He doesn't deserve it. I wouldn't want my DC to grow up in this atmosphere, which is not yours or your DH's fault.

I feel very sorry for both you and your DH as this nastyness is such an unnecessary problem when there are so many other things in the world to deal with, but having some kind of therapy so that he can recognise what is going on and has a chance to make his own decisions (not just follow his DM's orders) seems like a good idea.
Looking at it as an outsider, his DM is forcing him to choose, her or you. She has no concern for his personal happiness. He still thinks he can find a way to bring peace but I don't think, from your examples, that will satisfy her.

@SpryCat I absolutely believe you have nailed it.
Until you gave experienced or learned of such dynamics through friends, it really is hard to believe.

I experienced it myself and my children never knew who to trust especially after I separated from their father. I had all his family baying for my blood

It's good your dh did the right thing - this time.

You have a husband problem. He needs to stop telling you anything about his mother, he needs to stop discussing her, stop allowing her to embroil him in hre plots and stupid behaviour, he needs to shut her down and just stop.

You should both go to relationship counselling together so he can learn how to deal with a manipulative bully and stop dragging you and your children into her messes.

Meanwhile, stop giving her rubbish any oxygen. Obviously, you never see her again and neither do your kids.

5 is not at all too young to be impacted by her grandparent criticising their mother at all. In fact I'd be concerned that your MIL could be causing distress to your child in ways that they can't fully process yet but will come out over time. I'd really not be letting this woman have any unsupervised contact with my children at all.

At the risk of giving her the benefit of the doubt - could she have implied you and your husband were invited, and your two children? Also maternal mother - could this have been meant as maternal grandmother, or their mother’s mother? Is English not her first language?

All of this. Please OP show your H this thread. I wish you all the best for a more peaceful future 🙏

I’d tell dh we are going to go to counselling, and you’ve booked childcare because his mum is going to be an awful abusive nightmare to you no matter what and you have nothing to lose by playing nice or pretending she’s normal or pretending she doesn’t hate you and treat like you like literal shit, and the less exposure that woman has to your children the happier you are. He’s been failing to protect you from that extreme toxicity and you’re going to start protecting you and the kids. Your dc are not to see his brother ever or anyone who says abusive things about you for the next six months minimum, nobody who screams at your dh that you’re a cunt is ever welcome in your home and he is not to tell his mum anything about you or his marriage and if he can’t do that then no you don’t want him to see her, why would you when every single time he hands over material for her to attack you with, and he needs to make it clear he’d love to see her but he can’t tolerate her behaviour towards his wife, she is the problem. Let them all see life with you not playing nice and giving them constant access, and your dh is going to have to keep his relationship with his mum in a much smaller box until she can learn to pretend to be normal and not a psycho bitch.

Ach...she will be dead soon.
Just ignore her till then.
The kids will figure out she is toxic to and distance themselves.

I agree with @99bottlesofkombucha

Im very sorry both you and your dh are in this situation. Its not helpful to attack your dh as he has grown up with this abuse and and may be finding it hard to accept that this is abuse (boiling frog syndrome) , just as serious as the other many kinds of abuse..... This has a whole new vocabulary list: triangulation, flying monkeys, grey rock, boiling frog and boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries: mil and Bil have said and done what they liked up to now, however upsetting, because there have been no consequences. Their life has not been made difficult in any way. This is where the boundaries come in that you set for yourselves in relation to his family. It took me a long time to understand boundaries.... Its not about you laying out rules and people have to follow them, as thats trying to control others which is impossible, its more about deciding what you will tolerate and what action you will take if you find that thing happening, usually when you have already told them once, for example.. From now on, if MIL makes false allegations about you or speaks derogatorily about you, she will not have contact with the children for x weeks. Having a plan in advance to help. Im hoping you and your DH will be able to work together to act as a single unit and decide on your boundaries.

Im not in the business of diagnosing anyone, and i dont want to offend anyone, but this kind of behaviour in my personal experience, is likely due to a non diagnosed personality disorder. The people i know, who are toxic, exactly like your MIL, have not been diagnosed. Please understand, we cannot EVER say, " i think you have a personality disorder", this will absolutely not work or help in any way. They are very unlikely to ever seek help or treatment. They lack self awareness. So in my case ive found Out of the Fog website very helpful. They have a section on boundaries. Also a reddit chat you could look for that i found helpful called "on boundaries with a little love for no contact". Also psych central https://psychcentral.com/relationships/tips-for-dealing-with-your-toxic-parents#tips

When you look into these websites and read enough stories, you will be amazed at the similarity of other people's stories so this is not that unusual sadly. Youve got a better chance of success if you and dh can work on this together with you helping him as it sounds like he is very much in the fog (fear, obligation, guilt).

I posted before on your thread, suggesting a letter very very carefully written. The reason for that is the tendency to twist what you say verbally into an outrageously warped version.....and then its chinese whispered round the wider family. If its in writing, it can still be twisted (it will be twisted, make no mistake) but you will never be gaslit or second guessing what you said so thoughtfully, politely and reasonably and carefully. You will have a record. This kind of twisting might not arise from malice. Its taken me 20 years, but Ive come to understand that its more that that persons brain puts a negative spin on something, they decide it means something else and basically reinvent and rewrite the facts in their own mind. They may never accept your truth.
My heart really goes out to you both and i hope you will find some help in the websites and articles i have suggested.

Seriously? @Sunshine231 You have to be joking! You have a monster DH problem as well as a monster MIL problem. He has conspired against you with her and as she is nasty in the first place, HE is massively responsible for your current position.

He should be worried about her damaging his relationship with you. Hate is a very strong word but can see your problem. Leave her to it. If she comes to yours fine you are just on your way out!..always

My ex MIL used to do this - she criticised my appearance and weight constantly and she also did very serious things like reporting me to children’s services for being an unfit mother for breastfeeding my baby in bed, being a vegetarian who didn’t cook red meat for her son and that I was emotionally unstable. My exH was a domestic abuser who assaulted me while pregnant and after I had the baby and he was eventually arrested and an occupation order made. I made it all up of course. I just cannot understand why they behave like this.

I would leave him. I couldn't look him in the eye let alone cook, clean, have sex.

He is a pathetically weak individual and I would just want to laugh in his face for his ridiculous co dependence on a moronic bag like her.

Your real problem is your DH. He ought to be making it clear to his mother that you, he and your DC are a unit and she can’t invite some and not others. Either she treats you politely and decently or she won’t be seeing much of him or the DC. I fail to see how a decent man could be "very close" to someone who treats his wife like that. The same goes for him and his brother, who ought to refuse to interfere and certainly should not be slagging you off.

To be honest, threads like this make me so glad that DH and I have always lived at least 100 miles away from both sets of parents and our siblings. Our generation scattered when we all went away to university and found jobs elsewhere afterwards. We never lost contact with family and made visits when we could and got on extremely well when we did so. However, there was no living in each other's pockets which worked wonderfully well. Now we are the older generation and the same pattern is repeating successfully with our children and now adult grandchildren.