AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

Yes English is her first language. She meant me. We know I was not invited because this is not the first time she’s done it and because she admitted it in her messages afterward. Her explanation: “I thought it was a normal thing to invite your son and grandkids round for dinner”. Which yes, it would be normal if she had not excluded the wife of her son / mother of her grandkids 🙄

Then he needs to stop going round there dosen't he?

Your dh needs to grow a pair and tell his mum you ARE his family. Why not invite FIL, the wider family but not her? See how she likes it.

MIL is the c word in this scenario!

Why does he run to his mum whenever you have an argument?

Sounds like he needs to understand what she's like and develop some filters.

Agreed.
You're making lots of excuses for your DH/ your DH has lots of excuses for how she 'makes' him do stuff...is he an adult or what?

Firstly you married into the wrong family.
Secondly I feel your DH is doing this on purpose, he loses nothing but gets to play favourites over these 2 women fighting over him- what a fix he must be getting out of this- keeping you both on the hop!

She's not on your side Girl, and neither is your DH.

Drop your blinders and at least you start being on your (and kids') side.

@Sunshine231 , your husband needs to see a therapist about his relationship with his mother and how if affects you and your children. Are you both going to subject your children to this unnatural situation until they start hating you because of what your MIL tells them about you when DH isn't around?

Yes, DH is in a minefield and he needs professional help to navigate his way out, otherwise he risks it all blowing up and the possibility of losing his marriage (and children) and having no relationship with his mother and brother either. I suspect that he is under tremendous strain.

Your husband needs to find wherever he put his backbone.

I love that he declined the dinner invitation to support you 😍

OP, have you asked your DH what he wants to happen? How does he view this panning out?
his answer will be very telling. My DP used to not see how toxic and mean his family were. Once he did see it he attempted to minimise it. If I ask him the question he still says he wants us all to get on.
i would recommend dropping the rope with them all. Go NC. He’ll find that massively inconvenient and embarrassing but at least you won’t have to deal with them. You mentioned not having to see them and also them not saying things. You cannot control the latter only the former. Once you go NC they’ll stop bothering you.

She’s too much. But I wouldn’t tell my partner not to have a relationship with their mum, it’s not your decision to make.
just ask him to not involve you in any way and he can see her on his own.

She's been an utter bitch to you the entire time and your husband has enabled it and not stood up to her until this weekend. My love, she's a cunt and so is he. I'd have dumped him years ago.

This is so incredibly selfish. If you find a partner’s family difficult you should not have to see them but you can’t dictate what your partner does. Surely that is coercive in itself

That’s exactly my point. She doesn’t have to see them but she can’t control what anyone else does. She can’t control what they say about her but they’ll lose interest once she’s no longer responding or upset with it all.
She has a DH problem but he’s stuck right in the role he has always held within the family. If this wasn’t her, it would be whoever he dates.

100%

Your problem is your DH. He needs to cut the apron strings and tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when she gets there, to fuck off some more.

Then move FAR away and don't leave a forwarding address.

Never would have married him in the first place.... making uo excuses why the family won't see her at the dating stage. If that wasn't a red flag

You MIL sounds awful but your DH needs to take some responsibility for enabling her to treat you (and openly speak about you) that way.

Your BIL sounds horrible too.

I don’t have great in-laws (and that is putting it lightly) and I often wonder how such difficult people produced such a lovely son. 😬

To blatantly not invite you to a “family” event is just nasty. Blaming BIL for not liking you is also nasty. Are these people adults? 🤯

Only you can decide what to do but I have had to dig my heels on more than on occasion with my in-laws and while it caused unpleasantness in the short term, in the long term we have a better understanding and acceptance of each other. That being said, my in-laws were never as overtly nasty as your MIL is. My DH also had to stop choosing to ignore (his way of trying to keep the peace) and had to challenge some of their behaviours, making it clear that it was not acceptable and he would not tolerate it.

If it is a family event DH has to make it explicitly clear, if you are all not invited then no one goes-you are his family. That is on your in-laws if that means they don’t see your DH and DC. That being said, it doesn’t mean you have to go. Politely declining an invitation is fine but not inviting you is awful.

I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable relying on someone like that to provide childcare. It might be harder to get her to be more accepting while she feels like you are indebted to her.

First job is to speak calming to DH and agree steps forward. You need to do damage control before your DC are older.

Good luck and I am sorry you haven’t won the in-law lottery either…I am really envious of people with nice in-laws! I would be happy with easy ones!😬

This! I could not cope with someone like him, always running back telling tales to mummy. He’s not going to change OP, he darent upset his mum and brother, it’s easier for him, for you to get it in the neck, then the hassle of him having to stand up to them! Have you got family support on your side?

The only person doing the damage is the MIL. But your husband needs to make this clear to her. If she excludes you she is starting the problem.
My friend is in a very similar situation to you, including with her husbands brother, but it has gone from bad to worse.
Unfortunately yours isn't going to get any better. Your husband can have a relationship with his mum, but how can he be close to her when she is so horrible to his wife, you, the person he chose?

How does she 'force' DH to tell her all the details of your arguments? He needs to put boundaries in place. I totally understand your stance. Maybe a short term withdrawal? Brother-in-law is bang out of order!! Wishing you well.

I'm afraid you are married to a mummy's boy and your MIL is a spoilt control freak. You need to stop letting her look after your kids and find other child care, as she will likely poison their minds against you. Your DH needs to decide who he is married to, you, or mummy, and he needs to stop running home to mummy when you have a row.
Good luck, my MIL was a pain too.

I had very similar with my narsistic MIL once went on a family meal ( guess I should have felt privileged to be invited ) at the end of the meal she made a announcement that she was paying for her family ( ie her children ) everybody else splits the bill , I would never have expected her to pay for me but to kinda announce that me and our children weren’t her family was a nail in the coffin . Me and my partner arnt married but have been together over 20 yrs with 3 children and I was always considerate towards her . 6 years ago she pushed my husband to far with her scheming and lies we haven’t spoken to her since , she has not tried with her grandchildren and I can honestly say a weight has been lifted . I never would expect my partner to not have a relationship with her I can choose not to speak to her she isn’t my mum( luckily) but her constant bitching tore their relationship apart and what I’m saying is bide ur time don’t pander to her demands she will show her true colours soon enough and your husband will decide if she is worth having in his life as a close member or a distant relative. And it will be her doing not yours

He needs to stop being a fucking wet wipe mummy’s boy and running to her after an argument! You have a husband issue not a MIL issue!

Echoing that you have a DH problem, @Sunshine231

Either he's of extremely limited intelligence, or a useless drip, or both.

Why are you defending him?