AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

It isn't controlling to say you don't want your children around someone who calls you a cunt. That is a healthy boundary.

She can be pre-warned: "mum if you say anything negative about Sunshine in front of the children you will no longer see them". Then it is entirely her choice.

Your DH also needs to stop the tattle tales. If your arguments are just normal minor disagreements then he needs to get over himself and put a happy face on when he goes to his mum's. If it is work stress he needs to say that. If she keeps pestering him he needs to leave. Again, this is setting a healthy boundary.

You need to cancel this arrangement then and book wraparound. She sounds vile and is likely badmouthing you to the child. That will save your husband having to see her until he learns to stand up to her or cuts contact. I suspect he is feeding her hostility. It's a common theme with weak men.

Agree. To be honest the first time she threatened not to pick up the child would have been the last - the child would be back in nursery and she wouldn’t have any further opportunity to use them as a pawn in her manipulative games.

The fact that your DH chose to lie to you rather than set his brother straight just says it all to me really.
His misplaced loyalty to (or possibly fear of) his family takes precedence over you and your feelings.
Up to you whether you continue to put up with that but I certainly wouldn't.
They are not people I would want around my impressionable young children either.

No he didn’t mention me because we knew it would cause issues. That’s fine with me. We just wanted to politely decline her invitation and get on with our weekend. We expected she would take the hint and be too embarrassed to say anything, knowing she had purposely left me out. It’s not the first time she’s done it. It happens whenever his brother is visiting. She will say “bring the kids round so “my name” can have a rest” or something similar. However this was the first time it was a more formal family dinner, it would usually be a coffee and he just pops round to say hi. The brother does not contact DH at all in between these visits, not even to enquire about the kids. But when he visits he insists that DH must bring the kids round to see him 🙄 DH usually complies to keep the peace but the family dinner was a step too far for us. Plus it was Easter weekend and we wanted to do our own family activities with the kids.

From personal experience, the only person who can fix this is your DH and from what you’ve said, I think that’s highly unlikely unless he somehow realises that your wellbeing and that of your children comes above that of his mother, and his relationship with her. Again, highly unlikely given the enmeshment and narcissistic emotional abuse he’s grown up with.
Really depends now how long you’re prepared to put up with the situation OP. My own experience is that it took the affected spouse nearly 25 years to call it a day, hoping things would improve, time they will never get back

Block her number, move as far away from her as possible. She is not going to change

The first thing that needs to stop is him running to her house whenever you row. That’s really not normal behaviour.

She’s a total cow bag but he’s feeding her delusions by coming to her and slagging you off

I wouldn't even think I wasn't invited to be honest. If you aren't ready to completely cut her off, then I'd make sure you do accept every invitation and make sure that you attend every event, regardless of whether you were invited or not. You/ kids husband/you are an inseparable set . I don't think my partner has ever been to a gathering or dinner with just him and the kids without me too.

You’re not being unreasonable but the real problem here is your DH.

I completely agree with this. I also think you could do some work on yourself in therapy @Sunshine231 because there are some things you're doing to enable the situation. You make a lot of excuses for your husband's horrendous disloyalty. Somehow you think it's important for your small children to have a relationship with these toxic people. You enable his relationship with his mum, as if it's entirely legitimate. It's not. You deserve to be treated much better than this by all of them, most especially by your husband.

It's amazing that this is not causing more problems in your marriage.

I think you're wise to realise that however much he should support you and take a stand against his mother, your DH is unlikely to do this without huge drama and resentment which will cause further problems for you.

Your MIL sounds like a narcissist and capable of seeing you only as a threat to her. Of course you don't have to have that in your life. However you're in a bind because she's not going anywhere. It's difficult to under estimate the amount of conditioning your DH has received that cause him to have so few boundaries but you are not going to change him at this point.

If the marriage is generally good, (I can't think how) and you want to stay in it, I think your policy of just getting on with things is the right one. You don't want to be invited to Sunday lunch there and it is not acceptable for you to be excluded. So I would discuss with DH that you find this hurtful and divisive but you are prepared to tolerate it on occasion because the relationships are significant to him, provided he never tolerates you being spoken of negatively or shares private information about your relationship.

As for this Sunday, it is a special one so the family shouldn't be broken up on that day. Or maybe you're prepared to tolerate it. You will have to choose the hills you want to die on because remaining in this marriage will involve accepting behaviour that is disrespectful and bullying to some extent.

basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments

Is he a drip? How can a grown adult male be forced to do this?

What are you hoping people will advise, OP? From the outside, it looks like, unfortunately, you chose to marry the wrong man. Every decision you make is now about how much you're willing to put up with in order to stay, before you've finally had enough and leave. Marrying a weak man obsessed with his mother never ends well for the wife (unfortunately, it can be hard to tell this from the beginning, as it looks like they just care about family, which is something you want in a partner...the thing you don't realise is you aren't family to them).

Of course your MIL is a vile bitch out to destroy your marriage. Stop making excuses for your DH. She wouldn't get a look in if your 'D'H didn't keep running to her like a toddler. She doesn't "make" him tell her about your fights or stop him leaving. The only way you can force a grown adult to do something is to physically restrain them or threaten someone they love, and I doubt either of those apply here. Stop allowing her to do childcare. Pay for the wraparound care. It is a completely reasonable and fair decision. If your DH can't see how harmful it is for your children to be around someone who actively hates you and does everything she can to destroy your life, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms.

No, I don't think any of you should be visiting unless she can keep a civil tongue in her head. You need to be a joint force. If she doesn't invite you to family events, none of you go. If she grudgingly invites you and is then rude to you when you arrive, you all leave. Try this a handful of times and if her behaviour doesn't stop, cut her off.

We knew I wasn’t invited based on past experience. There have been times he has asked to check and she said I couldn’t go as it would upset BIL. For example once they arranged a family theatre trip and when DH enquired if there was a ticket for me they said no because it was meant to be a boys thing (BIL’s partner is a man) and MIL was only going because FIL didn’t want to go without her 🙄

I'm sorry OP, this is a crappy situation to be in and I bet it's causing you a lot of stress.

It's really awful that your MIL has continued her vendetta against you after her son chose to a. marry you and b. have two children with you. I assume her intent is for you to spilt up and leave her grandchildren with a broken home, which is absolutely awful to try and do unless she genuinely believes her son is being abused in some way.

You've mentioned that she has said you are being coercive and controlling, and obviously we only know what you've told us, but it doesn't sound like you are so I'm wondering is she a. delusional and genuinely believes that you are being coercive, or b. is she just being vindictive and throwing the term around lightly to try and get her own way (which is to get you out of her and her son's lives)? Her malingering act (let's assume it is an act as you suspect) points to b. being the more likely scenario.

Would you and DH consider seeking a family counsellor/mediator if your MIL was up for it too to try and resolve whatever the underlying issues are that have put her on this path of trying to pull you and DH apart? Or do you think that's out of the question? It might even be worth it just for you and DH to have a professional, outside opinion on the situation, even if MIL isn't willing to participate.

This is vile behaviour and your DH is facilitating it. Your DH isn’t keeping the peace, he’s being a doormat. Both BiL and MiL need to be reminded that they have no automatic right of access to your children and you need to make it clear that you have no intention of allowing them to be involved in their toxic behaviour. They either stop this nonsense now and engage as a family or you’ll have to consider whether it’s appropriate for your children to be around them.

Nothing is going to change here @Sunshine231 until you accept two things :

Your MIL will hate / blame you no matter what you do. Choosing not to have better boundaries so she isn’t proved right in her nonsense, is only giving her more of what she wants. An excuse to abuse you.

Your husband is the bigger problem. The first time his mother bad mouthed you should have been the last one.
Continuously repeating the same dynamic of going round in a mood, ‘having’ to tell his mummy that you’ve had a row, constantly feeding her with information to validate her continual verbal abuse of you and doing nothing to stop it is not him trying to keep mummy happy. He is getting as much out of this as she is. Jumping to please a brother who calls you a cunt is the same.

You need to get very clear and very tough on how this situation is resolved before your children are old enough to be dragged into these malicious mind games.

Child care stops now.
Husband divulges not one detail of your relationship from now.
Every comment, snide dig, passive aggressive remark is confronted by him and told no more from now.
If he doesn’t feel he has the ability to put those boundaries in right now, he gets therapy with someone who can help
him.

If he refuses any of the above he is telling you he values his mother’s feelings and her need to abuse you over your marriage and children. His love for his mother and need to please her at all costs is not compatible with a happy loving marriage.

If you don’t hold him as accountable as your MIL you are facilitating your own abuse from this family. All that will change is you children being poisoned against you and dragged into the same dynamic as your husband.

Then I am afraid you are going to have to learn to live with it
the only alternative would be to treat her with the same malice and hatred that she does to you but be much better at it and more frightening.
frankly I wouldn’t wan5 to live like that but each to their own.

She is the third person in your marriage. Sorry op, you sound like a nice person but this has gone on a long time and will not improve. I speak from experience.

Your DH is weak, hiding behind being a family pleaser and appeaser. How can he not cut off a man who abuses you calling you foul names. Stands by a woman who excludes you, diminishes you and insists on taking your children into this environment. Her nature means she will use your own children against you in time if not already.

It took me 8 years to cut my in laws off and God I took a lot of flack. My moment of realisation was sil ringing and calling me a bitch after I had just given birth. I had had worse. I felt sorry for DH, not because of my actions but because cruelty extended to him as well.

My bil suffered the same fate and is persona non grata also, long divorced after having to live with mil. Believe me when I say it is not you.

Do not go there again. Your dh needs to put you and your children first immediately.

This just doesn't wash. He's a grown man, and his refusal to set boundaries with his mother is damaging your relationship. If he really can't hide his feelings (which is ridiculous) then he needs to stop going there after you've had an argument, surely?

Well your MIL sounds like an utter cow, and I feel for you dealing with that! I do have some sympathy with your DH though. It is hard for anyone to separate their love for a parent, with the fact that that parent is behaving so appallingly.

I think your approach is the right one, trying not to get between them, but not seeing them yourself. I think the two of you need to agree that he will not discuss you negatively with her, under any circumstances. That is where he needs to work on being firm, so that she does not have the opportunity to get between you.

I would also be tempted to rethink the childcare arrangement. I'm not sure I would want DC being alone with her, in case she is bad mouthing you to them. She can see them when DH is with them to monitor what is said.

She's already blaming you for her illness, sons mood, threatening to not collect kids, so just break away, who cares? She doesn't, your brother on law doesn't care, your husband doesn't care, the only thing keeping you stuck in this rut is you. Your husband has had to deal with this behaviour his whole life and is coping by making you the bad guy, he's agreeing with everyone how bad you are by not sticking up for you. Do not engage, don't sort presents, don't pick up or collect kids from hers. Very next threat of non collection arrange childcare to cover and don't go back. You feel you need to sort it out/stand with your husband/be a team, they are the ""team" explain you will not be joining in with any more nonsense and just step back. Any my mum says...... Gets a dismissive laugh and move on, do not explain how others see you, be genuinely uninterested in complaints, he chooses to go, don't be his pressure release. He will probably see it for what it is when it's not seen as normal behaviour. This can rule you for many more years if you let it, easiest thing to do is show no interest in joining in or normalising this weird behaviour

This all day, every day.

Your husband and father of your children should be on your side. He needs to set up some boundaries.

Quite frankly, i wouldn't want that woman in my family life for one minute.

I'll never understand this British culture of writing foul messages and then blocking people instead of calling or meeting up and having a normal conversation. It's like everybody is still a teenager.