AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

You have a 'D'H problem. And most women would NOT STAND for this type of dysfunctional and abusive family. This is 2026, not 1956. You should be giving your H an ultimatum. You, or her. When he chose to marry you he chose to leave his childhood home and form a family with you. Except he allows you to be ostracised and treated like absolute shit. He enables it. He needs to be told to think about who he wants least to get offside. His vindictive, hateful and cruel 'mummy', or his wife, the mother of his children and the woman who he has sex with. His choice. Is this truly how you want to live your life, for the next however decades?

FFS, life is too short. Give him an ultimatum and say he at least gets therapy for his fucked up relationship with mummy and moves out during it. That is the very least you should get him to do. Aint no one got time to be disrespected like this and alienated from your family. Walk. Get the fuck out now. You are teaching your children that's ok for their future MIL (and/or FIL) to treat them like shit. Have you thought about that? Your 'H' is a deadbeat mummy's boy who doesn't see you as his family and he allows you to be treated like shit. My fanny would be drier than the Sahara Desert with his gutless whimpy terrible behaviour. Go and live your life away from his fucked up dysfunctional 'family'. He needs to choose and he needs to do it right now. No man who allows his wife to be ostracised and treated like a bit of shit under someone's shoe is a real man. He is garbage.

You are his family. Why doesn't he care about losing you?

What pathetic figure of a man stays and listens to his mother badmouthing his wife?

Your husband is a disgrace. This is not what 'family oriented' looks like.

She sounds awful but TBF what does 'we decided together' mean in this context? Presumably the final decision was his since he was the one invited, in which case he is the one that should be dealing with her. They shouldn't be involving you in this at all and he should be redirecting then every single time.

It means that I told him I didn’t want him to go there with the kids without me and he agreed. It was not a case of me telling him he could not go. I said I was uncomfortable with it and he agreed he was also uncomfortable so he told her they wouldn’t be going. Is that not making the decision together?

THIS! If his coping mechanism after a row is to run to his mum's house knowing she will cajole him into giving a forensic analysis of every argument you have, then much of the issue lies with your DH, I am sad to say.

Your DH complies and doesn't say things not to keep the peace.... but because he's an absolute SAP.

HE IS THE BIGGEST ISSUE HERE

I genuinely would love to know what made you marry and have children with such a pathetic man? He won't even stand up for his wife... he's not keeping the peace, he's fueling the problem.

The fact you can't see that is very worrying.

Sounds like you married a mummy's boy. I did too and regretted it till the day she died. She was nasty, manipulative and a guilt tripper.

You are part of decision making in a tiny sliver of decision making, Go or not go to a horrible dinner party with people who call you a cunt. If you step back, you will see there is plenty of other choices.. Not being involved /bringing your kids up with an influence which uses you for a scape goat. Disengaging from toxic in laws, why does it always have to be under their terms? You could met for lunch at a local pub, maybe they won't be as awful with an audience? Your husband goes between mummy and wife wringing his hands about how awful both of you are, what's his role in this? He is the messenger no one asked for. Tell him your dad/uncle/boss thinks he's a prick who's holding you back, go for dinner with friends and tell him, they can't stand his boring mummy stories so it's best he doesn't come. _would he like and accept that? You will be treated the way you allow it to happen

Absolutely this. He needs to stop running to his mum if you have an argument. She's awful and ridiculous but it's obvious that she's going to take his side when he turns up whinging about you. He is fuelling the fire and winding her up to take against you by his actions. If he's close to her he should continue to see her but not when there are issues between the 2 of you and she's trying to drive a wedge between you.

She poisoned her eldest son against you, he complied with her wishes, he called you a c*nt without actually meeting you in person. He doesn’t want to ever meet you in person and make his own mind up because he’s not allowed his own opinion without his mums approval. He insists when he comes to visit his parents that he see your DC even though he has no interest in them because he is manipulating your DH into pleasing him but it’s for MIL’s benefit really. He is her flying monkey and conspires with her to push you out. Your DH gets interrogated every time he visits so she can use it against you. Your FIL is another of her flying monkeys and your DH finds it impossible when they all gang up on him to refuse because he knows if he doesn’t please them then they will turn their back on him.
He feels pulled in both directions, his parents and brother all claim they are a loving family who wants to see his DC without you because you are the problem and if all three agree then he feels their must be some truth in that because in his head they only want the what’s best for him. He comes home brain completely frazzled and you tell him the truth and he doesn’t know who to believe so he is walking on eggshells because he can’t see the wood from the trees. You can’t convince him of the truth because he doesn’t want to acknowledge the truth, he would rather believe both sides are just jealous. He hides from the truth because it will hurt and thinks it’s best he sticks his head in the sand. He would rather you and your DC are hurt than himself, he is throwing you all under the bus so he can continue believing in them.
The only control you have is protecting yourself and your DC from his family, pay for wrap around care because being reliant on her gives her power and you know she will be interrogating your child and saying awful things about you to them. Never have them visit MIL or see her! Use her words against her that she has threatened not to pick up DC before so she is unreliable. Tell your husband you do not want to hear what was said when he visits her and the DC won’t be visiting and hearing malicious lies being said against you. You and DC come as a package and if he’s more concerned with keeping his parents and brothers happiness than the family he’s created then he might as well pack his bags and go live with mummy. I think a month living back home would make it crystal clear what side is malicious to him.

She cant force him to tell her every detail of your arguments, he's a grown man who can keep his mouth shut surely....

I didn't suggest you told him not to go, I assumed exactly what you said, hence the second part of my post. You're copping the flak for it and he's letting that happen.

Not sure it’s possible to have a normal conversation with people like OP’s family to be honest. MiL is manipulative and controlling and has poisoned BiL against OP to the point where he’s calling her vile names and refusing to be in the same room with her before he’s even met her. She’s arranging family dinners and inviting the whole family but excluding OP and expecting them to comply with no complaint. She’s manipulating the childcare situation to get what she wants and she’s got her son running to her with tales of arguments between him and Op, which are nothing whatever to do with her. How do you reason with that ?

The simplest solution is sometimes the best. DH needs to step up and support his wife, and tell MiL and BiL that their appalling behaviour will no longer be tolerated and that neither he, OP or their children will be in contact with any of them until they’ve sorted themselves out and apologised.

Why is your mil even if that was true which I know it isn’t because I take you at your word telling her other son this. They sound like two enmeshed middle school girl best friends. It isn’t her business or place to tell her other son. The more I read as you continue to post the more I think this is such an enmeshed toxic family dynamic.

But she shouldn’t even be entertaining her son in these conversations. If he is venting about his wife he should be told by his mom, “honey I love you but I won’t get in the middle of you and your wife you will make up and it will affect my opinion of her it would be best to seek guidance from a marriage counselor or go straight to the source your wife.” A good and decent mil will not let her son sit there and slag off his wife she would want her son’s marriage to be a happy and successful one and that won’t happen if he’s running to tattle to mommy each time he and his wife have a spat. Then prying for more details to the point she tells her son she will be physically ill is abusive on her end in and of itself. What an awful woman. From all ends there is no justification for her behavior. NONE!!

It’s crazy because when my husband got a huge job promotion his parents tried to not invite me to his celebration dinner with him and them! 🤣🤣My husband put me first and said that wouldn’t fly with him.

Stop making excuses for him, he is weak and needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his mother.

You are making excuses for him to focus your upset on his mother and she is a horrible woman but your DH is enabling her so you need to deal with him not her.

To add to my last post, YOU also need a backbone. A woman who is manipulative and horrible to you insists that she must look after your younger one once a week and you continue to allow despite the fact that you can afford and are willing to pay for wraparound care but you allow her to force you into a situation where you have to depend on her so she can use it as emotional control over you and your husband. Sit and and read what you wrote again please.

Why are you trying to hard to please such a horrible woman and givehe control over you???

Looks like the whole family is under the spell of dear MIL and you've slit right in and continued the tradition of pandering to her in order to avoid upsetting her which gives her control over all of you.

You posted about this right? And your husband was 100% correct... the OPs husband in this thread however is an absolute SAP and panders to his Mummy and Brother causing nothing but harm to his wife (who unfortunately can't see it).

How can you respect a partner who keeps a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

I'm really close to my mum. She's one of my favourite people in the world. But if she acted like your MIL I'd give her an ultimatum to apologise and change, or she'd lose her relationship with me (and I would never have my children around someone like that).

Your DH is hiding behind being a family man to avoid standing up for you. That's a far bigger issue than your MIL being crazy. You deserve so much better than this.

When are you going to stop pandering to all of this and stand up for your children?
The longer you let it go on the worse it's getting and if you aren't going to say no, you are part of harming them.
You can't keep sapping around blaming your MIL and DH when you won't put a stop to it either.

Disagree, I think your DH is. He clearly has no backbone and is choosing his mother over you.

She sounds like a malignant narcissist imo, using her health to manipulative her son into telling her all of your business.

There would be zero way that my little children would be anywhere near that poisonous old cow. Your DH needs to grow a set and tell her straight.

Time to find your backbone and sort childcare. Your kids see her on your terms while she continues to break apart your family unit. End of.