AIBU to hate my mother-in-law after this?

[Sunshine231]

AIBU to hate my mother in law? She has always been fairly unpleasant to me and made it quite clear she does not like me. Early in the relationship my partner told me as much and that it was apparently out of character for her to not like anyone (something I later discovered to be untrue). She interferes with our relationship constantly, basically forcing DH to tell her every minor detail of our arguments but if I ever try to defend my side she says I am an awful person for “causing her stress”. Anyway I try to have as little to do with her as possible: I am civil and always make sure she has a gift from the kids on special occasions but that’s it. This weekend she arranged a “family” dinner and invited my husband and the kids but not me. DH and I decided together that they would not go and he politely declined. MIL then sent him a string of messages saying that I am coercing him and isolating him from his family. That he’s changed since meeting me (for the worse) and that she finds it “disgusting” that I would stop him coming for a “lovely” family dinner. When DH tried to defend me she got her other son to message him which culminated in him calling me the c word multiple times and DH having to block him. I now really want nothing to do with MIL and really feel she is a horrible self centred individual who I don’t really want around my kids. DH is very very close to her so he’s worried about damaging his relationship with her. AIBU?

I’m sorry to say but I agree that your husband is the problem here. You and his children are his chosen family and should be his priority but he chooses to put you behind his abusive, nasty and controlling mother. Any sign of disrespect towards you from his mother should have been shut down straightaway and if she can’t do that then he shouldn’t have her in his life. She’s making you miserable and actively creating a divide between you and your husband because she can’t let go and accept he’s a grown up with his own life.

This is being mismanaged by your husband to an astronomical degree. There is nothing you can do about this situation, and everything he can do. He needs to say to his mum that he loves her but he's tired of the way she's treating you and he won't hear another word of it, otherwise he will stop bringing the children around. He can repeat as many times as is necessary that this is coming from him, not you. Then he sticks to it so she sees he means it. It's called a boundary; he needs to enforce it fully. If he can't do that you don't have options other than to withdraw yourself entirely from them to protect yourself.

Thanks for clarifying.
Some years ago, a member of my family married someone from another, more marginal European country. The situation that developed over the years was identical in general terms to what you describe. Technically my family member wa invited but ended up never going as they were completely ignored if they did go and didn't understand their language. Realistically hell would have frozen over before the family could or would change their behaviour. They would not have known how to change. It ended up a very unhappy situation indeed for my family member and their partner similarly did not support her.
I'm saying this because, although this was a few years ago, it maybe that nothing can realisticalyl be done to change their behaviour, very sady. I'm hazarding a guess that you need to either find a way of coping with the situation or leaving.
Many apologies if I have misunderstood.

This is being mismanaged by your husband to an astronomical degree.

I suspect the correct word is manipulated.

She’s done it loads of times before, she says it’s because BIL would be uncomfortable if I was there. She feeds him a load of rubbish about me based on what DH has told her about our arguments.

The situation is a direct result of her husband's actions.

He has manipulated everyone to where he wants them to be. He now holds the power.

You need to understand what you can control and what you can't.

I don’t want to stop them seeing her
fine, let DH take the kids to see her

but I’d like to not have anything to do with her (not even just a civil hello)
fine, just avoid her. Never go to see her. If she comes to your house, be out, or go and read a book in your bedroom.

I’d like her to stop bad mouthing me
This you can't control. She will never stop, so make peace with it. Tell DH you don't want to hear about it if he starts to report to you what she has said.

on special occasions like Easter she should understand we will be spending it as a family
She will never understand this, and will never accept it, She will never accept you as being DH's primary family. To her, she is his primary family.
You cannot make DH choose to spend time with you instead of her - that has to be his decision.

Basically, you cannot control or change anyone except yourself.
This may mean you stop yourself telling DH stuff as you know he will tell her. It will affect your marriage if you can't be completely open and honest with your DH, but that is the price he has to pay for what he is doing. You just have to accept this is who he is. He may change eventually, but you can't change him.
Unfortunately, you cannot have the kind of marriage you want to this man, because of who he is.

Let him go running to her whenever you have had a mild disagreement about the dishwasher. Let him tell her whatever. You don't need to know about what either of them say to each other, and most of all you have to stop caring what she knows.

That is your ultimate defence - stop caring about her, what she says, what she knows, and what she does.
The only other alternative is divorce. But divorce still won't stop DH taking the kids to see her when it is his time to have them. And it still won't stop him telling her stuff and her criticising you. All a divorce will achieve is helping you to keep even more distant from her.

I agree with all of this.

This is mentally unbalanced behaviour. Is there something you aren't telling us?

We must be related because this is absolutely my MIL. She behaves in this vicious, manipulative way while controlling and brainwashing dh with her bullshit on a regular basis. Thankfully she does not live particularly close. She also controls dh's siblings and i have in the past been subjected to abusive messages and phonecalls with the c word used regularly to describe me. The first time they called me that was when dh told his mother we were having a baby, her first grandchild.

Dh has got better at supporting me, i know, I know. It has got easier over time but they moved away after I went to police. If I could be bothered giving her more air time I'd describe my easter. But she's not worth it.

Letting you know she won't change and the relationship is unlikely to improve. But you learn to care less and as you both age you and dh will develop more awareness and resilience and things settle. But at present your dh is under extreme stress and experiencing guilt while being manipulated and bullied. If you're solid give him some grace and ignore the attacks from her. But under no circumstances should you be around them. Ever. And dh needs to work through this.

I really feel for you.

This is a toxic family full stop even if it is her that causes it. The husband and her sons reaction to her behaviour show they are in too deep with this nutter! This is not normal behaviour at all and you are now second guessing her reaction thoughts etc even to the point you allow your kids to see this toxic woman as you want to prove to her you are not controlling and you probably know that if you did not allow it your husband would probably be on his mums side and you would have a full on war with him and his family! I’ve been there and done it and actually think I have ptsd from it. You’ll look back on this with so much resentment that you and your husband allowed this from her! Your husband is not as great as you think, he enables her and walks on egg shells to keep her happy, he should be having stern words with her that she will not be seeing him or kids again if she continues to disrespect you and cause drama!

This is really good advice OP. You need to prioritise yourself and your children at a time when no one else is.

So he lied and emotionally manipulated you from the get go.

As best, he's spineless, at worst he's complicit. You probably could do with couples therapy before you even start thinking about how the handle the MIL dynamic.

I agree with everything except if MIL visits OP's house. No way should OP be forced to retreat to her bedroom in her own home. MIL needs to be told that she isn't welcome in the OP's home under any circumstances.

Letting MIL look after your DC signals you are perfectly ok with her behaviour. You know she makes up lies, you know she is malicious and she has even said before she wouldn’t pick up your DC.
You need to put your foot down, they don’t get to pick and choose who is welcome when they invite your family out, if you’re
not welcome then DC’s shouldn’t go there neither.

But it is also the DH's home, and he has a right to invite his mother in.

Either both people in a couple have the right to invite home whoever they like, or both have the right to veto particular people and prevent their partner from inviting them.
I prefer the former option.

he is not close to her she is manipulative, bordering narcissistic and i guarantee she is only close with your son because he does what she wants. yet the minute he doesnt do what she wants she will drag the brother in to chastise him. i guarantee i would not be doing anything for her buying presents etc i would tell my husband i loved him but that behavior is not acceptable and you will not bring your children around such toxicity if she cannot be civil to you then she should be kept at arms length

@Sunshine231

At no point have you even slightly accepted that your DH has played any part in this revolting situation. I just popped back to see if you'd had the revelation required to help yourself out of it - apparently not.

As so many posters have said, this will not change unless your husband changes.

I really hope this thread has sown the seed for you, even if it takes a while to germinate.

Nope, and this is exactly why it's been going on for years.

Also - please don't let her have unsupervised access to your children anymore. As soon as they're old enough, she'll be pouring her poison about you in their ears.

@Sunshine231 I’ve read your answers to posters questions. No where do you acknowledge that the main issue here is your husband and his inability to stand up for himself and therefore for his own family unit. He is the problem. Mil can do and be whatever she wants. It’s easy for you to paint her is the difficult one. Yes she is. And because your husband continues to kowtow to her, you will never feel secure in your marriage. Change your mindset. Show up for yourself and your children and stop acting like you do not have agency.

ETA: hating her is most definitely not the solution.

Your husband is your biggest problem and your making excuses for him. Running to his mummy after an argument and she won't let him leave. Seriously

There are two sides to every story

Op you need to find your anger here. Yes your husband is your Co parent and his opinion matters of course it does. But if someone is being deliberately malicious towards you then they are by extension not safe for your child to be around. You have no idea what would be said about you within your child's earshot which could be distressing for your child and also seriously undermine your parenting.

Your dh may want a good relationship between his family and your child but op that is dependent on their behaviour towards you. He can want it all he likes but if they aren't playing nicely then you as parents step in to safeguard your child.

My guess is he knows fine well that they are abusive but he's grown up trained to avoid a reaction and avoid conflict so what he means when he says he wants them to have a good relationship means he doesn't want to address the issues because of the reaction.

You need to start expecting more of him op and I'd be telling him that you need to start marriage counselling to try to resolve these issues in a positive future thinking way.