To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

[lilybit2025]

Am I overreacting here? Please be honest.

We don’t have children, we live together and we’re engaged. We spent Friday with friends and all day together yesterday, so it’s not like we haven’t had time together this weekend, which is partly why I feel like I might not have a leg to stand on.

Today, I was under the impression he was just going for breakfast with the boys, then golf, then a few drinks after, nothing major. That was absolutely fine with me. He left at 10am, golf finished around 4, and now it’s 9pm and he’s still out.

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

I want to be clear I’m not controlling and I’m completely fine with him having time with his friends. I also don’t mind having time to myself. I think what’s annoyed me is that it wasn’t framed as a big day or night out, and it’s Easter Sunday which feels like a bit of a “together” kind of day, even if we don’t have kids.

I’m also conscious that if he is out properly drinking, tomorrow will likely be a write-off with him hungover, even though we had planned to spend the day together.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit put out about this, or do I need to just get over it

He’s being a bit of a selfish twat yes. Will he change once you’ve got married?

This is only going to get worse if and when kids come along, OP

I’d be quite relaxed about it for now but would run 100 miles if considering having children with him as this leopard will not change his spots and you do not want to be a golf / drink widow with kids

How old is he?

Is it just drink or is it extras?

He's 30

Just alcohol

Sorry I forgot to mention he called me at 3pm to say he won't be home late. I'd class this as late...

I'd be relaxed with this. It's 9pm.

That said, it would not impact my day tomorrow. I would expect to do whatever we had planned regardless of hangover.

Golf is always 4-6 hours so a 4pm finish was unlikely.

Where does he stay when he doesn’t come back at all 🥴
It’s not a trait I’d find endearing or attractive but each to their own

Well, he might change once you’re married but he might not. Does he know how you feel about this? What does he say?

It's a 4 day weekend, 3 of which you are spending together. Wouldn't bother me.

Wow! He’s just with friends and having some down time … my DH has been away with sporting hobby friends since Thursday and he’s back tomorrow! Just let him have some fun, it’s not all about you as a couple, people need to be with friends/do their own thing without being badgered - if he’s hungover tomorrow maybe go out for lunch with your friends or go do something you like and get him to make dinner

Wouldn’t bother me we’re all adults

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all.
I think this is actually the issue. You cannot trust him. His word means nothing.

So when DH says he's playing golf...I now know it means an ALL DAY JOB:

Meet up grab a coffee and breakfast
Play 9 holes, get liggt bite
Play another 9
Then clubhouse drinks, chat and relax
Then food...more drinks
Others come into the club house after finishing their round so more drinks..

Having been married to an alcoholic I would be very wary if I were you of tying myself to someone who goes on all day drinking benders. And where does he go when he doesn't come home at all?

On top of the drinking he is also a golfer and MN is littered with unhappy tales from golf widows.

Personally I think you need to think very carefully about your relationship, especially if you are thinking of starting a family with this man. Because you will probably literally be left home looking after the baby.

I wouldn't be bothered about today but I'd be really pissed off if tomorrow is a write off because of his hangover. In all seriousness though OP, if you're imagining kids with this man I'd take a lot of care. At 30 spending a day drinking is a bit ick.

All day drinking benders are ok in teens 20’s but when you hit 30 and engaged you should really shape up a bit. It’s the getting completely wasted and sometimes not coming home that would do it for me.

How would he plan to combine golf with ‘a few drinks’ without drink-driving? Golf clubs are heavy to carry and courses are not generally near public transport routes. Unless of course he always gets a lift or a taxi home?

I agree with those who say proceed with caution. Binge drinking and coming home wasted at 30 leads to the same behaviour at 60, it’s so depressing. I can’t believe I didn’t see it all those years ago.

So he stays out? Does he let you know? Where does he stay? Does he get that drunk that he can’t come home? If so big red flag. He is unreliable at best. You need to have a firm chat about what the future looks like with kids as sounds like he won’t be giving up these outings anytime soon if he is already showing so much inconsideration for you with his timings. I think this would give me the ick. Think hard before you marry him as you both seem to have different expectations

A man who thinks getting totally wasted, to the extent that he’ll be useless for the rest of the evening AND the next day, is acceptable, is not someone who will pull his weight as a husband and father.

Right now you have options. Don’t wait till you’re stuck at home with little kids.

I married a man like this. We had children, and it would still happen enough that after 15 years, I said it’s over unless he quits drinking. Once he started he often got drunk, and whilst it wasn’t every weekend, it affected us enough (me being the default parent that could never switch off, Sundays ruined with hangovers, marital resentment etc).

I was young and naive and I put up with it for too long.

To me if he's out then he's out. Plans can change, I wouldn't put a curfew on my husband's day out with friends. And wouldn't accept him to put one on mine. 9 pm isn't late either.

The drinking issue is different but I wouldn't date someone who drinks that much in the first place.