To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

[lilybit2025]

Am I overreacting here? Please be honest.

We don’t have children, we live together and we’re engaged. We spent Friday with friends and all day together yesterday, so it’s not like we haven’t had time together this weekend, which is partly why I feel like I might not have a leg to stand on.

Today, I was under the impression he was just going for breakfast with the boys, then golf, then a few drinks after, nothing major. That was absolutely fine with me. He left at 10am, golf finished around 4, and now it’s 9pm and he’s still out.

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

I want to be clear I’m not controlling and I’m completely fine with him having time with his friends. I also don’t mind having time to myself. I think what’s annoyed me is that it wasn’t framed as a big day or night out, and it’s Easter Sunday which feels like a bit of a “together” kind of day, even if we don’t have kids.

I’m also conscious that if he is out properly drinking, tomorrow will likely be a write-off with him hungover, even though we had planned to spend the day together.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit put out about this, or do I need to just get over it

My mum still has this problem… this isn’t going to change

Sounds like he had a great day out😁
I would have organised my own - I don't understand the angst

So he’s a 30 year old who’s had a full day and evening out with friends once over the bank holiday weekend?

If you can’t do that at 30 without kids then when can you?!!

Why are you not doing that? Don’t you also have hobbies or friends to do stuff with?

A 30 year old coming home wasted or not at all is a huge flapping red flag!

Ask DP to be more specific before he goes out.

Ask for an estimated time he will be home.

You deserve to be able to go out with friends, go shopping or invite family over while he is away so certainty is a decent level of respectful communication to expect.

If you find that your social lives never collide anymore - reconsider marrying the drunkard.
He clearly has an alcohol problem. It influences his time more so than he lets his major relationship influence him!

I don't think OP's partner does that from her posts. Does your partner do this? I know a lot of blokes that do this after work, maybe not four hours a night but they go daily and probably have at least four pints a night.

He was really stupid pissing outside and climbing on the roof.

But I don't think him staying out til one with his friends on a bank holiday weekend is that bad, I've been out with friends before and times got away from me when we're talking and having a laugh.

What were the plans you had tomorrow? I know you said it would be a write off, which is so annoying.
I think you have to decide if you want to carry on worrying if every time he goes out with his friends, he'll either not come home or be in this state. I
does he just fall asleep at his friends houses of he doesn't come back? What time does he get in the next day? and does he let you know he's staying out overnight?

when you’ve been married twenty years you’ll be happy when he stays out.

Don’t marry him, especially if you are planning to have kids, it will only get worse. It’s fine as a one off but not a regular occurrence.

Absolutely.

@lilybit2025 shouldn't be stuck at home nursing her partner through his hangover tomorrow.

At 9pm I said YABU but at 1 am YANBU !

In future I would ask him to be more specific than ‘ not late ‘ . Many people would say home by 11 is not a late one. You can make plans yourself that way.

Clearly he was rat arsed which is why he didn’t tell you what he was doing .

Serious words to be had. How often does this kind of thing happen ?

Meh we both used to be like that back in the day! Now we are responsible adults. If you had kids it would be a different story.

You must mix with a very different crowd to me and many others to think that this is normal behaviour for 30 year olds.

At 30 neither I or my friends were behaving like this.

Like many posters I would have no problem with not spending the day with my partner.

It is the coming back wasted or not coming back at all, pissing in the garden and climbing the conservatory roof because he couldn't get the key in the lock that are the deal breakers.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a 30 year old to stop behaving like this.

I wondered that too @BadSkiingMum
Unless he lives fairly near his club and keeps his golf bag there so can use a taxi.
Trying to climb in home via his conservatory because he’s drunk and forgot / lost his keys 😮.

So of 3 days he's spent 2 with you and told you he was out Sunday for breakfast, golf then a drink with friends, that sounds like a full day to me, I don't know much about golf but I know 18 holes takes ages, add on breakfast, drinks after and I'm assuming another meal at some point and I wouldn't have really expected to see him Sunday. DH and I are off this week with ds, Saturday after next DH has a hobby tournament, he then was planning to do do dinner/drinks with some friends, I suggested he do them on the same day as there is crossover in terms of the people he will be with and tbh office he's out for the day he's out, I'll make other plans. It's fine as adults to have a day to do what you like. I'm going away for a long weekend soon, DH is fine with it and will be around to look after DS. The fact your DP seems to get so inebriated he's urinating publicly and doing dangerous things is the problem.

Ah see I might be the minority on posts like this but unless there were major red flags elsewhere, this wouldn’t bother me. Things change, if my husband says he’s going to the pub and won’t be late I now laugh. I’m the same, if I go out with the girls it usually lasts way longer than planned. As I said, unless there are other red flags, give him a break! You have spent all weekend together!

edited to add - saw the peeing post. People do need to relax, again, unless he does this all the time then god forbid he got a bit too drunk one evening!!

It says a lot about you if you think that getting ouf of your head drunk with a bunch of drinking buddies is an acceptable way to spend your Bank Holiday.

Exactly. Some of the 'advice' on this thread is crackers, albeit par for the course on MN. 'What?! He's not acting like you're already married with four small children, but is instead making the most of child-free life by having a laugh with his mates once in a while?! The absolute BASTARD. At 30 he should be checking in hourly and at home by 7pm in his armchair with his slippers on. And also praying or something given it's Easter Sunday which seems to be important for some reason. A man who has friends can never be a good husband or father. He obviously doesn't value you. Leave the BASTARD immediately'.

Honsetly, it's a load of fuss over nothing IMO.

It's not the going out all day that's the problem, it's getting so wrecked that you think he's going to be fucking your plans off the next day. If he is in fact fine this morning then I take that back.

Like a curry?

Wha a nasty thing to say

Oh come on. You know as well as I do that it is impossible for a group of men to have a round of golf and a drink in the absence of their other halves without it turning into a sordid brothel-and-cocaine bender. With a bit of drink-driving thrown in too. It is written into their very DNA.

True.

I had an ex boyfriend who once told me he was going for a game of crazy golf with his nephew.

Next thing I know, the two of them are in Vegas doing heroin with hookers. They even robbed a casino.

These things escalate so quickly.

Do you mean I am being 'nasty " to the other poster or " nasty" about the OP's DP?

The poster thinks that spending a day drinking to the extent of pissing on the lawn and putting his life in danger trying to get into the house is normal behaviour for a bank holiday. So I think my comment is stating a fact and I don't see what is " nasty" about it.

Drunkeness is " nasty" and has " nasty" consequences both for the person drinking and for the people in their lives that suffer the consequences.

😁

Joking apart, I feel that some posters are struggling with reading comprehension on this thread or haven't read the OP's updates.

It isn't the golf all day followed by a few drinks that is the issue it is:

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

and

I found him climbing on the top of our conservatory trying to get in through a window 20 minutes ago as he couldn't get the keys in the door.

and

He pissed in our front lawn as I caught him on the ring doorbell and climbed on top of our conservatory roof trying to get in through a window.

Anyone who finds this acceptable behaviour in a partner of any age has a very low bar.

Everyone has their own line in the sand OP but one of my very hard boundaries is that I would never be in a relationship again with someone who gets so messed up that they don’t come home.
I’m a good bit older than you and all of the men who did that to me ended up getting worse