To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

[lilybit2025]

Am I overreacting here? Please be honest.

We don’t have children, we live together and we’re engaged. We spent Friday with friends and all day together yesterday, so it’s not like we haven’t had time together this weekend, which is partly why I feel like I might not have a leg to stand on.

Today, I was under the impression he was just going for breakfast with the boys, then golf, then a few drinks after, nothing major. That was absolutely fine with me. He left at 10am, golf finished around 4, and now it’s 9pm and he’s still out.

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

I want to be clear I’m not controlling and I’m completely fine with him having time with his friends. I also don’t mind having time to myself. I think what’s annoyed me is that it wasn’t framed as a big day or night out, and it’s Easter Sunday which feels like a bit of a “together” kind of day, even if we don’t have kids.

I’m also conscious that if he is out properly drinking, tomorrow will likely be a write-off with him hungover, even though we had planned to spend the day together.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit put out about this, or do I need to just get over it

Golf - holes 1 to 18. 4 to 5 hours

• hole 19. 1 to 8 hours

I hear the term ‘golf widow’ a lot as my family play. It’s something you generally have to accept or do something about. It’s a lifestyle hobby.
Then there are the golf holidays….
Don’t expect it to change if you have children.

Although, I will say that I do know a few who get up really early on a Saturday morning, 18 holes and home for lunch and an afternoon as a family and they behaved like your husband pre kids, but that’s a bit of a gamble to take.

Selfish twat, first post nails it. You should have gone out too, maybe stayed at a friend's. It's not so much fun for selfish twat men to come home to an empty house and you not sitting there waiting for him.

Congratulations, you are a golf widow. So was my MIL. My DW made it a condition of marrying me that I never took up golf.

He'll never change. They never do.

I’d be pulling the plug on this relationship. He has absolutely no respect for you at all. I have no issue with the golf or the drinks. But he should have texted you to say he’s staying out, and when he messaged to say he’d be back at x time he should have then messaged at that time to say sorry it’s turning it’s a bigger night and he’s staying out.

I think him spending all day with friends as such is a problem. The drinking and behaviour is. I wouldnt want to stay in relationship with such a person.

The ones who get up early and are back by lunchtime tend to be the ones who actually enjoy the golf and want to play. Too many men people use the time golf takes and its reputation as an excuse to opt out of family life. The quite like the golf, but what they really like is a free pass to go and spend a whole weekend day with the boys.

For me the original problem would not be that he’s out with friends. But that he said it was breakfast and then it turned into a bender without him telling me, especially when I expected us to be spending time together. It sounds like he can’t really control himself when it comes to alcohol.

But based on the update I would see him as very immature and not husband material. Pissing on the lawn and climbing the conservatory at 30 years old?? No thank you. I wouldn’t want to spend any time worrying about him acting like a caveman/toddler/teenager when drunk. Men like this are a bit of an embarrassment, especially when others are responsibly going home to their wives and kids. I would tell him exactly what I think of his behaviour and ask what he’s going to do to stop it happening again.

Is this the first time he’s done something like this or has he done it before?

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him to make him realise that whilst this type of behaviour was do-able in his 20s is it’s not ok for father material. What kind of relationship did his parents model? Was his dad just allowed to go off and do whatever he wanted and his mum left to pick up the pieces/be the responsible one? That can be draining. You need to be a team. Do you have the same sense of fun/enjoying doing the same things? I’d say that’s an enjoyable/important thing for a happy marriage- to enjoy hanging out together. Things I’d also suggest looking out for; are they helpful around the house and have a sense of fairness (ie you won’t be expected to do all the housework or they’ll only do what’s asked of them- you need someone who can “see” what needs to be done without asking, can they do basic DIY- this saves a lot of things not quite being right around the house which is annoying (personal one that!), do you have the same attitude to money, family values etc). I’m not sure I necessarily agree with PP who have said he’s a coke head- maybe my naivety but he could genuinely just be on a big drinking session. Sounds as if you need to do a pre-marriage course where you discuss your shared values and what married life means for you both/what you want out of it. It’s a different life when you have kids. I don’t think a day bender is too bad in principle but why bother say what time you’re going to be home when you’re not- that’s disrespectful of your time and expectations. Hopefully his drinking will calm down- possibly likely with his friends calming down too & moving on in life but the false deadline home would annoy me more and that needs to be addressed. Good luck OP, there are some red flags for sure, it’s not a hopeless case but I do think you need a proper chat.

I agree, I had an ex who behaved like this. He was 35, I was 26, and even at that age I knew it was not normal behaviour for someone in their 30s. He had a good job, house (with a conservatory!) and even played golf 😂 but behaved like a teenager/alcoholic when drinking. I broke up with him, it took him 10 years to become mature enough to settle down and have kids. His lack of self control when drinking really gave me the ick even in my mid 20s

Why are you involved in this conversation? 🤣

Why are you?

I was with a man like this. I eventually left him(left it way too long to do so). He hasn't changed and is an alcoholic.

Get out now is my advice.

I can absolutely promise you it’s no fun being married to a drinker, and especially no fun trying to raise a family with one if that’s your aim in due course.

A one off might be fine, everybody is allowed a silly mistake, but you’ve said this is regular behaviour.

I’m not saying LTB (although quite frankly I would) - I’m just saying you’re going into this with your eyes wide open.

How often does this situation arise? Are we talking every weekend or once a month ?
If I have plans with friends, I don't give my dp a home time and would always frame it as potentially being a big day/ night out. I think it's a mistake to say you'll be home by a certain time because things can change.
It's not something I would do every week though, more like once a month at aged 30, even less now I'm well into my 40's.

Where you out playing golf all day yesterday? 2 paracetamol and a fat coke will sort you out. In the meantime, you’re too hungover to make any sense on the internet

Also adding, the majority of my ex’s friends were coke heads at the weekend. He tried to hide it from me but I knew he was too in the end. A very high proportion of his friends’ babies were born with birth defects. This is NOT the only reason for birth defects. But it’s a very big coincidence and something to think about

If you aren't prepared to explain why my post was " nasty" but instead come back with this reply and tell me that I'm " nasty" then I would suggest you are breaking MN talk guidelines because you are making this a personal attack on me.

If you want to explain why you consider my post is nasty then I'm quite prepared to listen. But please don't just resort to personal unpleasant comments about me.

After your update I would seriously consider getting rid. You don't want that caper now never mind if you have kids. Guaranteed tomorrow is a write off.
Selfish twat.

Don’t worry, I asked AI for you

The nasty move here is that Farewelltothatid is using a classic deflection tactic.
Franjipanl8r made a perfectly reasonable point — that a 30-year-old without kids having one big night out over a bank holiday is completely normal. It was a defence of someone being criticised in the original thread.
Rather than engaging with that argument, Farewelltothatid:
1. Reframes the behaviour — twisting “a full day and evening out with friends” into “getting out of your head drunk,” which is an assumption and an escalation
2. Turns it personal — “it says a lot about you” is a classic way to shut someone down without addressing their point at all
3. Implies the defender must be the same “type” — suggesting that Franjipanl8r only defends this behaviour because they do it themselves, which is both an ad hominem and a tu quoque
The implied message is: “You’re only saying that because you’re a drunk too.” It poisons the argument by attacking the person’s character rather than engaging with what they actually said.
It’s designed to make Franjipanl8r feel they have to defend their own lifestyle rather than continue making their original point — which is exactly the shutdown you described earlier. Classic DARVO/projection move.

Oh my goodness you have given me a good laugh anyway!

And she does it again!

I don't see that it's a problem, unless you had other plans.

A 30 year old man getting so drunk he pisses in the garden, then tries to climb in the window via a conservatory roof because he can't get his key in the door isn't a problem?