To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

[lilybit2025]

Am I overreacting here? Please be honest.

We don’t have children, we live together and we’re engaged. We spent Friday with friends and all day together yesterday, so it’s not like we haven’t had time together this weekend, which is partly why I feel like I might not have a leg to stand on.

Today, I was under the impression he was just going for breakfast with the boys, then golf, then a few drinks after, nothing major. That was absolutely fine with me. He left at 10am, golf finished around 4, and now it’s 9pm and he’s still out.

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

I want to be clear I’m not controlling and I’m completely fine with him having time with his friends. I also don’t mind having time to myself. I think what’s annoyed me is that it wasn’t framed as a big day or night out, and it’s Easter Sunday which feels like a bit of a “together” kind of day, even if we don’t have kids.

I’m also conscious that if he is out properly drinking, tomorrow will likely be a write-off with him hungover, even though we had planned to spend the day together.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit put out about this, or do I need to just get over it

10 years from now, he'll probably still be doing this but you'll have the kids all day and he won't be in a fit state to parent them the next day either.

He's going to have an earful from me tomorrow, exhausted by it.

Giving him an 'earful' won't change him.
You could try a calm and constructive sit-down heart-to-heart about your expectations and what is acceptable behaviour. But you should know that he won't change unless he wants to, for himself not for you.

If you are exhausted now, what will it be like in ten years when you have children?

There are at least three issues here - consider each one separately, then decide whether or not to break off the engagement.

One - golf as a social event. How often does he play?
It takes a whole day, and often the evening too. Do you mind having lots of time apart each doing your own thing?
How would you feel having one or more children and DH regularly spending 18 hours away at a weekend leaving all the childcare and housework to you?

Two - drink. How often does he get drunk? How many days of the week does he drink any alcohol at all?
If he gets drunk on average more than once in two months, or regularly drinks a lot on more than about two evenings per week, call it off. Life married to an alcoholic is hell on earth.

Three - being unreliable. He was much later back than you expected, and he has potentially ruined a planned day together with his hangover. This is very selfish behaviour.
How often does his behaviour ruin plans or significantly affect you?
How often does he fail to keep you updated when he is unexpectedly late?

Most importantly, don't expect him to change just because he gets married, and don't expect him to change just because he has children.

Suppose he’d fallen and hurt himself? What job does he do? What would he tell his work? My DB and other people I’ve known who drink haven’t done anything this dangerous but my dad when married to my mum pissed in a wardrobe, he was an alcoholic, they divorced and he died young of an unexpected heart attack at 50.

Not saying this to scare you but have a good hard think and talk with him. He has a drink problem.

Honestly, I ended a relationship with a man I lived with because he played golf and it took up SO much of his time. We had no children but I knew he wouldn’t change as his friends who had children did the same. Wasn’t a life I wanted

He was just really stupid was he?

One of my DB’s friend’s was a functioning alcoholic, lovely man but loved drink. He eventually ended up having most of his liver removed and died in his late 40s from liver disease.

You have to be pretty drunk to consider climbing a high structure drunk and not consider the consequences.

My best friend was also a functioning alcoholic, fell through a window when drunk, got in random men’s cars when drunk. We all laughed it off, we were young and clubbers and she was a good laugh, should’ve taken her to AA. She’s now dead but from mental health issues. At 33.

The heart attack was almost 99.9% related to his drinking and he wasn’t registered with a doctor then.

Don't get pregnant to this guy in future as you'll never get practical support from him with small children when you need it most.

Your bar is set way too low. Worrying.

If its not every Sunday then no wouldn't bother me

Whoops missed this bit IDIOT man

The only way things can possibly get better is if he goes to AA.

My DB used to get horrendously drunk and start fights, in his early 40s when he had his first baby he stopped all that. He’s the loveliest man in the world, even when drunk, but he can get violent to other men if drinking to excess. He does still drink but not to excess and avoids pubs. He also avoids wine and beer, prefers gin. However having a toddler and 7 year old is knackering enough as it is!

So you can change, have to want to though.

Having a day out with his mates, getting caught up and staying out later than expected is fine as long as he isn't meant to be anywhere else / isn't letting anyone down.

Going on a bender that ruins the next day / endangering himself / pissing in the garden / generally being out of control is a massive red flag to me.

Both DP and I have done the former loads pre DC but once it crept into the latter category with DP then we had words (DP wasn't anywhere near as wild as the OP's partner but we had a few instances of him drinking to a degree he was so ill the next day he couldn't look after the kids / couldn't make a family event). I am totally teetotal now and DP drinks very occasionally and not to excess.

I couldn't live with the fact everytime my partner went out I wouldn't know what state he'd come back in. Life is too short for that kind of shit.

Not worry you pissing in the garden and then climbing a conservatory drunk as his key wouldn’t work?!

Have a word with yourself.

Once you have kids and reach a certain age, you shape up. Or you don’t.

His risky behaviour around alcohol is a red flag. If this is not a one off I would seriously consider your future with him. Save yourself a lot of stress and heartache in the future.

There are aspects of this situation that I don't think are a big deal and aspects that I think are unacceptable.

Given the timing of the golf outing and his past history, there's no way I'd have expected him back early. I'd have made my own plans and done my own thing, including for the evening. If I'd been doing an activity all day (yes I know golf barely qualifies as an activity) then went even for just one drink, I'd probably be too knackered to do anything notable when I got home anyway.

I don't consider Easter Sunday as "together time", what even is that? But I do get the impression from the OP that she assumes things will be a certain way rather than actually communicating what she wants - she was "under the impression" he'd be home early, she "feels like" Easter Sunday is a couples day. You really need to do things like ask specifically what time he'll be home and if you want Easter Sunday to be a couples day, say so.

That's where I think the OP is a bit unreasonable. Her partner's intolerable behaviour starts with the misinformation about being home early - if he's going to have a big night with his friends just say so rather than pretending otherwise. The actual drinks are not objectionable but his inability to hold his alcohol is intolerable. I have been very wasted on many occasions and never once have I been unable to put my key in my door, nor have I ever pissed in my garden. I could probably forgive a suitably mortified partner for whom that was rare behaviour, but I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who did that frequently.

Sorry I’m posting so much here, will stop, but having an alcoholic dad, who got divorced from my mum and then died unexpectedly at 50, it makes you angry and sad. 😢 he ruined 3 marriages and had 6 kids too.

My thoughts exactly
do not marry this man or have kids with him. Escape while you can would be my advice!

For context, my ex partner was like this and is nearly 50 now and on his own and has no kids - he’s going to end up a very lonely old man because he has spent his life being selfish behaving like your partner!

I once in my early 40s had shots in a bar, was wearing stupidly high heels, had had booze in a restaurant beforehand so was quite drunk and I fell over a small glass table cracking my ribs and getting a bloody hand. Had to lie to my boss and say I’d fallen at a dinner party in a bathroom. After that I calmed down my drinking a lot. But I wasn’t a huge drinker, only when out, never drink at home. The pain in my ribs also helped.

As an aside you might want to block access to your house via the conservatory roof, if a half cut bloke can get in that way a burglar definitely will be able to…

Do you rent or own the house? If you rent it give notice on your half of the tenancy - if you own it tell him you want to sell up and split up and move on

you’ll look back on this in afew years when you have a nice partner and kids - someone who respects you and is a support to you - not some embarrassing idiot. You deserve better than this and you know that.

Completely understand - I also come from a family of heavy drinkers. Dad and brother were alcoholics - both stopped when they hit rock bottom.

Binge drinking to some people is a lifestyle, a way of life. The message when I grew up was that binge drinking = fun. I grew up living in a pub so was surrounded by drink!

It is difficult to get out of the binge drinking lifestyle if a lot of the people around you do it as well. It is a not the healthiest of environments for a child to grow up in.

Think about whether your boyfriend will want to continue the heavy drinking if you have children. What might be 'fun' now may become increasingly stressful for you to live with. Is this the future you want?

See my 2nd comment

To be honest, if I was told my husband was going to a late breakfast, then golf, then drinks, I would think that’s an all day into evening situation.

I would not have children with him.