To be annoyed DP has been at golf all day and out drinking and still isn't home.

[lilybit2025]

Am I overreacting here? Please be honest.

We don’t have children, we live together and we’re engaged. We spent Friday with friends and all day together yesterday, so it’s not like we haven’t had time together this weekend, which is partly why I feel like I might not have a leg to stand on.

Today, I was under the impression he was just going for breakfast with the boys, then golf, then a few drinks after, nothing major. That was absolutely fine with me. He left at 10am, golf finished around 4, and now it’s 9pm and he’s still out.

The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all. So when he says “a few drinks,” it doesn’t always mean that in reality.

I want to be clear I’m not controlling and I’m completely fine with him having time with his friends. I also don’t mind having time to myself. I think what’s annoyed me is that it wasn’t framed as a big day or night out, and it’s Easter Sunday which feels like a bit of a “together” kind of day, even if we don’t have kids.

I’m also conscious that if he is out properly drinking, tomorrow will likely be a write-off with him hungover, even though we had planned to spend the day together.

So am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit put out about this, or do I need to just get over it

Sounds like he is living a single life. Which is fine..but you aren't a power down accessory. So live your life, no waiting or expecting him to change. Safe sex and finances. Good luck OP

Err he’s had a day out with friends

That's who he is. He's unlikely to change. You have choices. Make the right ones for yourself.

is He home yet?

Terrible advice. Many people change once life changes. He is 30 and out with friends

Did he come home OP? Hope you’re not up all
night with worry. He does sound a bit erratic

9pm isn’t late. If he said at 3pm ‘I won’t be much longer’ then I might be a bit annoyed. But you’re a free woman with no kids. I’d have made my own plans for the day with family or friends instead of sitting at home stewing.

well, I found him climbing on the top of our conservatory trying to get in through a window 20 minutes ago as he couldn't get the keys in the door. So yes he's home.

@lilybit2025 The thing is, he does have a bit of a track record of these things turning into a full-on session. He’ll either come back completely wasted or sometimes not come back at all

I bet you any money he’s a coke head. A raging one.

It isn’t normal behaviour for a 30yo man.

This behaviour won’t change.

yes 20 minutes ago. He pissed in our front lawn as I caught him on the ring doorbell and climbed on top of our conservatory roof trying to get in through a window. He could've killed himself. He's going to have an earful from me tomorrow, exhausted by it. He said he'd be home after dinner

Uff do you really want to marry, let alone have a family with, this?

Thats very normal behaviour for a 30 year old..as for the o.p's update...well milage may vary

if they haven’t stopped the partying before the wedding, they don’t magically grow up on the wedding day.

I learned that lesson the hard way. Sadly, I know many women who learned the same lesson because the divorce rate in my XH’s friend group was close to 100%.

Don't marry him. Part ways and consider it a lucky escape.

I was almost going to disagree with you because it's seemed a clichéd response but actually I slightly agree. The wedding day isn't the hard stop, the conservation about shared values is. Just because someone gets married doesn't change it, but I've have many raver friends who are stopped or at least tapered off because they have sat down with their partners and have both decided what they want out of life.

The problem with this thread is that people haven't got their head round the fact that generations change and in most of the non mumsnet world 30 is not settling down it is still partying etc but people do change ad they go further into the decade

Jesus, this man will not make a suitable husband. Seriously reconsider your engagement and future with this man.

More fool you if you marry him.

It's the drinking and being hungover tomorrow when you've planned a day together that would bother me. If you spent all day yesterday together and are spending all day tomorrow together, it seems unreasonable to bemoan him spending time doing something independent today, even if it goes later than he'd anticipated. Unless you'd had proper plans for the evening, being in a relationship shouldn't mean a lack of flexibility or inability to do something spontaneous with others. But I'm guessing this wouldn't have bothered you if he'd decided to go to the cinema at the last minute. iIts the getting bladdered. If your experience is that he can't control his drinking when he's out and can't pull himself together the next day when he has arranged to do something, to me that got kind of unattractive after the age of about 24.

The climbing on the conservatory roof is also the sort of thing he should have long grown out of.

Is the drinking often a problem?

I’m 30.

Going out for a few drinks is normal. Going out and always (as the OP describes) “turning it into a session” and “not coming home at all” is only normal for raging coke heads.

And also so drunk he couldn't get his key in the lock.

OP, alcoholism is a very serious threat to any marriage. When my friend was engaged, her guy was so drunk he pissed up a wall in their house. It never got better and, today, twenty years on, he still can't stop drinking even after having pancreatic cancer. And he has been in trouble with the law over his drinking, too.

If someone drinks to the extent they're trying to get in through the conservatory roof, the only thing to do is give up alcohol entirely and forever. Alcoholics cannot have just one. The only way is to forsake it for good. Many only do so after they have lost everything.

If there's one rule of life that should be included in the Rules for Life for Young Women, it should be never to marry or have babies with a man who likes his drink.

It would be painful to split up, because I'm sure there is much to recommend him and your relationship. My abusive marriage still had good parts, as did he. But a drink problem threatens everything.

He may swear to give it up, and he may do so, for some time. But as soon as you're truly trapped, i.e. married and with a couple of young kids and not working, he will do it again. Even if he has great intentions, there are no guarantees when you marry someone with an alcohol problem.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and don't marry or have kids with a man who struggles with the old demon drink. It has strong potential to destroy you, him, your marriage, and tear apart any family you might have.

My exh used to do this. But we were early twenties at the time, child and care free. He grew out of it when we had the kids. At 30 I’d assume a bit more maturity-if he tells you he’ll be home at a certain time then I’d be cross if he wasn’t. It’s not the day out thats the issue , it’s the setting of sake expectations.

*false expectations

I think it’s totally reasonable for either partner to have a day out with friends over the holiday weekend
I would have made lots of plans of my own
Over drinking not so good and staying out all night a definite no

This man is not husband material. And no child deserves to have that for a father. Don’t choose him for your children’s father.

What if he went out to the pub almost every afternoon but for a couple of hours for a “few pints” with friends (usually 3-4 hours) - is that considered too much? Is that an alcoholic? Any thoughts?