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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

223 replies

Collectivethoughts · 05/04/2026 11:46

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

OP posts:
Arrowthroughtheknee · 05/04/2026 11:48

Go where you want. She doesn't have to come.

mbosnz · 05/04/2026 11:50

Please don't teach her she can control you in this manner. If you want to go to this restaurant, you go there. Tell people where, when, and when to let you know by that they will be attending or not, so you can finalise numbers for the booking. This is your birthday. You go where you want.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 05/04/2026 11:50

Go where you want to go. Hope you have a lovely birthday. She sounds like an old twat. 💐

maysayyea · 05/04/2026 11:52

Don’t change plans. She can come or not. You and the rest of the family will have a good time regardless. She can only ruin things if you let her.

Passingthrough123 · 05/04/2026 11:55

I voted YABU because you have let her manipulate you into cancelling the booking. Why on earth would you want to spend your birthday with someone who doesn’t want to make you happy? Tell her you’ll see them on another day to celebrate and stick to the restaurant you choose.

MindBodySoul · 05/04/2026 11:55

Ungrateful old cabbage

MrsDutchie88 · 05/04/2026 11:59

Don’t change plans. Go ahead.

GCAcademic · 05/04/2026 12:00

Do not change the booking. Go without her. I guarantee you'll have a better time without the selfish woman.

Sirzy · 05/04/2026 12:01

You have invited her. She had said no. That’s fine. Go for breakfast with her and then enjoy your meal later.

blackcatlove · 05/04/2026 12:01

I wouldn’t change my plans and I’d tell her to shove her breakfast. I can’t be doing with controlling arseholes.

Enjoy your birthday and don’t let her get to you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 05/04/2026 12:03

I voted YABU because you're pandering to her.

Liveshives · 05/04/2026 12:03

OP, perhaps gift yourself seeing less of her.
Do something yourself and spare yourself the annoyance of her.
She sounds awful.

GardenCovent · 05/04/2026 12:06

YANBU for being annoyed with her but YABU for changing your plans to suit her.
She knows she’ll get away with her bad behaviour so what’s stopping her continuing to do it.

lifeisgoodrightnow · 05/04/2026 12:06

Are you expecting her to pay ? It sounds like you are in which case you are being unreasonable.

TalulahJP · 05/04/2026 12:09

you choose the venue because it’s your birthday.
end of.
if she doesn’t like it tough.

id tell her you thought about it and you really want to go to that place as it’s your birthday. I appreciate youre not as keen mum, but as it’s my birthday i hope you will be up for it.

or pick somewhere else if there is indeed somewhere nicer you fancy. sounds like you’re the sacrificial bull whose feelings get ignored in order for your mum to please others

Original poster
Collectivethoughts · 05/04/2026 12:10

MindBodySoul · 05/04/2026 11:55

Ungrateful old cabbage

This made me laugh

OP posts:
LittleMousewithcloggson · 05/04/2026 12:11

If you’re expecting her to pay then you are being unreasonable
when she went out with her friends she only had to pay for herself. She would have to pay for you and your DS as well as herself if you expect her to pay.

If you said you were paying then she might be unreasonable. Depends. She might still be feeling that she should be paying and can’t afford to so suggested somewhere she could afford to treat you.

Who is actually paying is relevant in this question

Gingernaut · 05/04/2026 12:11

Collectivethoughts · 05/04/2026 11:46

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

Go to the restaurant you want to go to

Leave her out of it if she wants

Don't change your plans because she wants to make it about her

And you're busy that morning.

Don't go to the breakfast.

She'll have 'won' and when you go out for an evening meal, will more than likely mention the amount you're eating and dig in to you about your weight

Original poster
Collectivethoughts · 05/04/2026 12:12

lifeisgoodrightnow · 05/04/2026 12:06

Are you expecting her to pay ? It sounds like you are in which case you are being unreasonable.

No i'm not and i made it very clear to her on the phone that I'm not expecting her to and I can pay for me and my son

OP posts:
Pineapplewaves · 05/04/2026 12:12

I voted YABU because you changed your restaurant booking. It’s your birthday, you go where you choose. Your Mum either attends or she doesn’t. Your Mum’s priorities are to her friends not you. Make sure you treat her the same when it’s her birthday. Stop being a doormat and rebook the restaurant you want.

Ovaryinatwist · 05/04/2026 12:12

Happy Birthday.
Go for breakfast with them. Then have a meal in the place you want to, if she says no, she doesn't go, just go without her.

Original poster
Collectivethoughts · 05/04/2026 12:13

Gingernaut · 05/04/2026 12:11

Go to the restaurant you want to go to

Leave her out of it if she wants

Don't change your plans because she wants to make it about her

And you're busy that morning.

Don't go to the breakfast.

She'll have 'won' and when you go out for an evening meal, will more than likely mention the amount you're eating and dig in to you about your weight

Show quote history

Oh absolutely! She also likes to make digs at my weight/appearance too!

OP posts:
BarbiesDreamHome · 05/04/2026 12:17

I dont know why you didn't just push back and say no thank you to birthday breakfast as you're still going out for the meal that evening and you'll be too full.

Nonsense as well that she wouldpay for all of you for breakfast but say her share of the meal is too expensive.

She's being very unreasonable.

BoredZelda · 05/04/2026 12:18

Sirzy · 05/04/2026 12:01

You have invited her. She had said no. That’s fine. Go for breakfast with her and then enjoy your meal later.

I wouldn’t even do that. OP planned a meal for those who want to celebrate with her, why does she need to rearrange her day to suit one person who is whining about it?

665theneighborofthebeast · 05/04/2026 12:21

Oh dear. Just because a breakfast out on your birthday fits better into her plans for her week than an evening meal out does doesn't mean you should

  1. Agree
  2. Concede and do that
  3. Consider trashing your plans for your special day so her week has what.. a better cost to meal ratio overall ?
Because thats how she's fitting you into her plans.

She's trashing what you want - for your birthday !- to bring down the average cost of her eating out that week... Yay mum! Way to make me feel special.

And you are considering it. Please dont. Please.