Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

Yes she does get jealous

I didnt arrange to go out with friends just family for a meal. I have a young son and a single mum so cant go out with friends in the evening

single mum so can’t go out in the evening

Never, @Collectivethoughts? Do your parents never have your son overnight? Or anyone else? And you don’t know any teens / students who would babysit occasionally?

I only ask because it’s good for you to get out sometimes - and it’s good for children to see their parent getting dressed up and going out. Understanding you have a social life of your own gives depth to their understanding of you as a whole person, not just a parent.

@Collectivethoughts

Well, a good exercise in actually putting those boundaries in place would be to do as others have said.

Go where you want to go. She either comes or doesn’t, and tbh, you may well enjoy it more if she doesn’t!

Breakfast, well, that’s up to you. I’d be tempted to decline as it’s a control manoeuvre. Give it a couple of weeks.

It’s hard at first, but gets easier. Your worth is not measured by your mum.

Good luck, and happy birthday!

You don’t seem to like your mother at all. Why are you going for a dinner with her? Maybe she dreads the atmosphere at a meal with you and has proposed breakfast as it will be shorter. Maybe alcohol worsens the atmosphere and breakfast is usually alcohol free. Either way, maybe go out with your son +/- your sister? You have invited her, it’s not a summons, she is allowed to say no thanks.

Go to the restaurant you want to.
She joins or she doesn't it's up to her.
If you want, make clear to your dad he is welcome to attend even if she doesn't want to. If she's able to visit the same place with her friends she certainly can for your birthday.
I personally wouldn't go for the breakfast - that money she is worried about spending could go towards to evening meal instead - she's just trying to control what you do.
Go have a fab time going to the place YOU want.
Don't give this anymore of your headspace. A birthday meal shouldn't be causing this drama. Stick to your choices and I hope you have a lovely time.

She sounds like a narcissist. Book the restaurant you want to go to, explain it will either be 4 or 2 of you depending on whether your narcissistic mother decides to show for your birthday. Better still just take your sister and uninvited your mum.

I'm sorry to say but you have a narcissistic mother! I do to and got sick and tired of her ruining things and trying to control everything! I had many counselling sessions because of the damage she did. I am now 11 years no contact and the happiest I've been. Do not let her control things. It's your birthday and she is being selfish because she isn't in control. These kind of people are toxic!

Go without her, she’s being selfish and controlling and you gave in.

I'd go without you parents and let them take you out if they want to, but on your terms.

When you go for the birthday meal is your mum the person who pays???if so maybe she thinks she’ ll be the one paying more at the expensive choice you made?

Selfish cow. Just leave her out of it and go with the rest of your family.

The next time she does this, you want to say to her, "That's interesting you should say that as people reckon I look just like you !" Then just walk away and leave her sitting there and tell her that you aren't going to bother with her again until you get a proper apology and she can prove that she has changed her ways.

Go without her. I think she is being a selfish arsehole.

Have you gone back to the original plan?

But the mum has money to eat out with her friends each week? Read the post again, this woman is doubt has any money troubles she is just selfish and controlling!

If you're inviting someone out for your birthday, you should be treating them. Perhaps this is what she's getting at with the 'too expensive' comment.

Agree. But I bet she'll have FOMO and end up coming anyway...

Ah well, if she can't afford your chosen restaurant perhaps she could babysit so you can go out with your friends 😁

That's a very odd comment. When I or one of my friends have a birthday and we go out, the birthday person is not expected to treat everyone else 😮That would be so expensive, no one would celebrate their birthday!

In my community everyone goes Dutch (pays for themselves) or everyone chips in to treat the birthday person.

This. And as a parent of adult children, I would treat them if we went out on their birthday if at all possible.

If you invite someone to celebrate a life event of yours, you pay, in the same way you'd pay if they came to your wedding, a child's christening etc.
To invite someone to something and not pay would be considered very rude by anyone I know.
If you and your friends are all going Dutch all the time, it probably works out similarly financially in the long run.

I'm an adult child and treat my pensioner parents to dinners out all the time. They were incredibly kind and generous throughout my 20s and 30s. I'd never leave them with the check these days. We fight over the bill frequently but I always win. It's only fair.

A wedding and a christening are entirely different to a meal out in a restaurant.

If you choose to treat all your friends to a meal out on your birthday, that’s lovely, but it’s not the norm.

It is with my friends and family. I can't imagine expecting someone to pay to celebrate my birthday. If I had a party at my home, should I charge them admission?