Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

This is exactly what I would do, except that I wouldn't bother mentioning the evening meal during breakfast. Tell her afterwards what a good time everyone who went had. I guess the idea is that you all.pay for own meals.

OP, I’ve never met you and I still feel really cross with your mum. She’s making you feel shit a lot, and now she’s making you feel you aren’t worth spending money on for your birthday whereas her friends are. And she’s made you do something you didn’t really want to do for your birthday to please her, when she should be doing exactly this herself. I’ve already replied but I say again - please, please put yourself first here. You’ll feel much more assertive if you do. My mum has spoiled so many special events that, like you, I had to start thinking of myself.

I agree with most here, don’t change your plans. It’s your birthday.

Agree not to go bur choose somewhere more expensive!

Sorry to hear she has spoiled your birthday but why did you hand over control by changing the venue to suit her? I’m guessing that’s making you feel even worse. How would it be for you if you went to your choice without her and go to the breakfast she invited you to?

It sounds like she likes to take you out for your birthday so why don't you let her buy you breakfast n the morning and then go with friends to the restaurant later on.

Please go where you want to go. There’s another thread running at the moment asking what you’d regret in your life if you died tomorrow. Don’t let handing over your happiness to someone determined to piss on your chips, be one of those regrets.

'I don't fancy going for breakfast on my birthday thanks. I've booked for (OP's choice of restaurant) - let me know by Wednesday if you want to be added to the booking".

Your mum doesn't want to go out that particular restaurant on your birthday; possibly she doesn't want to go out in the evening at all. She isn't obliged to do what you want just because it's your birthday.
What she is offering is going out for breakfast, her treat. Can't you either accept her offer or refuse and plan something else?

Go to the restaurant without them.
Don't bother going for breakfast, say you have plans in the morning.

If she doesn't want to join you that's her loss.

Do you have a mum that makes everything revolve around her / is all about her? She sounds like my mum. Who I spent a long few hours with yesterday. 😞

When you've spent time with her do you feel happy and lifted up, or do you feel drained? If it's the latter why do you frequently spend time with her??

I recommend grey rock and very very low contact.

I want you to imagine going out somewhere special without the stress of having your mum there, sharing the evening with your son, both of you dressed up. It sounds so special, so memorable doesn't it! Just do it, say no thanks to the breakfast on the day as it will spoil your appetite. Maybe pop in briefly. Spend the day doing lovely things with your son. Just text her if she calls and say I'm having a lovely time. See you next week and you'll have the satisfaction of putting in boundaries, and not having to have anything to do with her drama. See her the following week for breakfast and gifts.
I said no to lunch with my parents this year and had a lovely easy day with my kids and husband it was bliss. No making them happy, arranging food to their taste, or sitting politely while they moan about nextdoor's cat doing a poo on their lawn. The irony is they, when they had a cat, and lived elsewhere, my parents would complain about the neighbours who complained about my parents cat pooing on their flower bed 🤣. I do hope that I don't descend into being a self centered old person.
Do a nice breezy, I've decided to go to my original choice of restaurant, I completely understand you don't want to come. Breakfast on xxx date instead would be great. Looking forward to it.

In the nicest way possible, stop chasing your mother. She's never going to give you the love you deserve. She's not going to change and there will always be an excuse.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this but I think it's likely to have been going on for a lifetime (hence the therapy).

The negative voice in your head is probably your mother. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Just allow her to get on with her life and enjoy yours separately. Trust me, your life will improve when you do.

i made it very clear to her on the phone that I'm not expecting her to and I can pay for me and my son

Next time don't tell her or have a set phrase - yes I know but that where we are going.

Sometimes you just have to stick to your guns - I have it with my parents and some years DH - just say well I'm doing x at y time what ever you are doing I'm still doing x at y time.

Go where you want. If she doesn’t come, so what. In fact, bonus! I’m assuming she has form for making you feel less than enough. It’s maybe time you reduced contact with the old bat, it would make you feel better I guarantee it!

You’re an adult. Why are you spending time with her?

@Collectivethoughts honey, you’re in your mid 30s, you’re a mother, this is when you start seeing just how fucked up everything is where she’s concerned

would you ever dream of behaving like this with your son? Or a friend?

no.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. my dear, you allowed her to make it all about her.

im 20yrs older than you and pretty much had the same relationship with my mum as you have with yours. I’ve stepped away now because she made me feel less and unimportant

you will need to do the same. Set boundaries and keep them. She’ll learn, either she goes with your flow, or she doesn’t go at all.

your Birthday is next week. Go to the restaurant YOU want. Tell her “actually mum, I don’t want to go to Z restaurant, I want to to X. So I’ve made a reservation for 7pm for us all, if you can make it, fine, if not, I’ll catch you again soon”. Start treating her as an acquaintance, not as the main character in your life (that’s you!)

out of interest what does your therapist say? Do they really get this dynamic?

And bloody hell there are some good posts of advice here @Collectivethoughts

you need to channel the collective fuck off energy of MN and have the damned birthday YOU want.

If she’s that bad surely it’ll be easier and less stressful if your mother doesn’t go for the birthday meal? Try to reframe it and be relieved that she’s not going.

I would go to the restaurant yourself with ur immediate family, or anyone happy to go. Ur mum can meet u another time if she wants to do anything. I’d say no to the breakfast invite and tell her ur saving urself for expensive meal

"So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then."

Ring her back. Tell her you've changed your mind, your restaurant choice stands and she can come, or not, but you need to know by 5pm tomorrow one way or the other. And she can stuff her breakfast you have other plans for the morning.

Has your mother controlled you since you were young, or did it start later on in life. You are a grown woman, stand up for yourself. You are now changing the restaurant, doing exactly what she wanted....she got there in the end....

Well said!!!

I voted the same.

Op, if she doesn’t want to come, then so be it. She’s just doing it for the drama. When she says “im
not coming”, then the best thing you can reply is “ok worries, see you soon”.

Then why on earth do you want to be round someone like that? You need to stand up for yourself and stop being a door mat.

My DF was a bit like this and it did wreck some occasions. For him I think it was a generation thing and he came from a really poor background. Even when he was aware he was not being asked to pay the bill he could not sit in a restaurant and walked out on more than one occasion. In the end we stopped going. When we compromised and went to somewhere he liked it was universally awful (cheap for a reason). The other issue we had was with 2-1 meals. He would get quite upset if one person dipped out of say desert as this meant there would be no discount for him!