Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

Go where you want to. It’s your birthday. If she doesn’t want to come then fine her choice and you know where you stand as she is prepared to go it with friends

i would not do the breakfast just say sorry mum can’t make it

I would also then not worry if I didn’t want to do stuff for her birthday but felt obliged to.

‘No problem mum. I’ll go without you, don’t worry about breakfast I’ll stick with the restaurant I want to go to’

Job done, don’t beg someone to spend your birthday with you

Is it too expensive for her or others you have invited? Would she be expected to stump up a portion of the bill for your siblings etc? Cos this is different than paying for a meal for one person.

does she think you intend to pay for Everyone and is maybe considering you can’t afford it?

This.

You should not change the venue. Don't express emotions to her other than faint regret that she couldn't prioritise your birthday but you respect her freedom to choose. Don't engage with alternative arrangements - you had one portion of the day open to her and that was it. The rest is spoken for and it's not her business to know about.

Don’t change the venue jus go with people who want to spend the time with you

Sorry but I voted YABU because you changed your plans because of your mum. You need to stick to your plans and if she misses it so be it ! It seems she wants to make it all about her so you need to stand firm ( I know it isn’t easy as my DM has her moments) and then it’s her choice she misses out and everyone talks about her in a negative way - she won’t like that or she comes along so doesn’t miss out. Either way it’s your birthday not hers you do you.

I would ask how much she thinks she's going to save by taking you out for breakfast then say you're not coming because you're saving £5...

If she doesn't want to go to the place you picked just say fine and leave it at that. Go where you want to go, it's your birthday.

I voted YABU, but for expecting anything else. She clearly has form for this type of thing. In time you’ll start to let go a bit and look after yourself, spending time with people who are uplifting. Create some distance, don’t expect anything and have a lovely birthday, for you.

I voted YABU because there shouldn’t be all this angst over a birthday! Just go where you want to go and if she doesn’t turn up, that’s her loss. Stop giving in to her.

Op just send her a message and say I am sticking with my first choice restaurant so I will see u at breakfast. Op because if you do this she wins and even though it’s not a competition she gets her own way if she is the type of mother to disrespect you I would prefer her not there so you can enjoy your meal in peace she doesn’t sound very nice to you tbh. Definitely don’t back down she’s being rude. Her loss.

I don't want to try and guess what personality disorder your mum has, but there's no rule that says you have to comply with her wishes for your birthday

Go to the restaurant you want to, she doesn't have to come. And don't go for breakfast, that's not what you wanted to do

Stop letting her make your celebrations about her

But they have to pay for themselves? If they went 2 weeks ago and found it too expensive, I'd believe them. Perhaps it wasn't a great meal, especially for the money.

If you are paying for them, that's different.

She's perhaps being tactless, but they want to have a meal out with you, just not there.

I hope you enjoy the day, whatever you decide.

Have a nice birthday OP
After counselling session, it's normal to feel raw and vulnerable

I voted you're being unreasonable because you let your mom manipulate you into changing your plans.

If she can't be there, are you really missing out?

Agree with @Twasasurprise how expensive is it? Is one miller & carter prices the other Wetherspoon?

Seriously don’t cave in. Go with your son or invite a friend but don’t go to somewhere you don’t want to to appease your mother. It’s YOUR birthday. Every time I’ve done that I’ve regretted it.

Incidentally is your dad just a placeholder with your mum or would he come without her? Siblings? Uncles/ aunts?

I haven't spent my birthday with my mother - god bless her, rest in peace - since I was a child.

I would never let her control me.

Sounds like classic controlling behaviour to me. Don’t cancel the booking, go where you want to go, it’s your birthday, it should be all about you. I wouldn’t go out for breakfast either.

Get thee to the Stately Homes thread.

You are telling her what's happening on your birthday, and letting her know she's invited. It's then up to her whether she comes or not.

Sorry that you have a horrible mum. Please tell her you've made your plans for tomorrow, you're not doing her cheap breakfast and you'll see her some other time. And have a lovely birthday 🎂

I'd phone and say you've thought about it and you'd rather stick to your original plans than change them and have her with you.

Stop letting her treat you this way.

Please do make sure that you go where you want to go on your birthday. She’s invited but if she doesn’t fancy it or is too mean and selfish to come, that’s her choice. It’s not a hostage situation with her being the victim being marched against her will to a nice restaurant (God forbid she might be forced to dine somewhere fancy twice!) however she might try to angle it, so tell her ‘Fair enough. Sorry you’ll miss out!’

Perfect! Don’t allow her control your life, let her fu** off.

Jeez don't change where you're going, she'll just come up with some other shit reasons she hates you it.

"You don't have to come, mother." will do it. Stand up to her!