Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

"Breakfast on my birthday doesnt suit me, we're going to this restaurant, youre welcome to come, but dont worry if you cant make it."

End.

Is there any chance she is going to pay? Or is she perhaps planning a surprise?

Just stick with your original booking. Your day and your choice. If you are booked for evening let her take you for breakfast. If you’re booked for lunchtime then she can whistle.

Go to the restaurant that you want to go to.

she can come or not.

but don’t let her control You

Why do you want to spend your birthday with her? She clearly wants to upset you.

Good grief, she is horribly controlling! Tell her you're doing what YOU want. Is she normally this bossy and controlling @Collectivethoughts ??? I'd be moving 1000 miles away from her if I were you!

.

Exactly this!

I hope you have a lovely birthday💐

Choose where you want to go. She’ll join you or she won’t. Many of us don’t have family meals for our birthdays, or it’s the family we’ve made ourselves we are with.

How old are you, @Collectivethoughts?

I loved my mother very much and we were great friends - but I can’t imagine making my birthday all about her. FFS just arrange what you want - she can take it or leave it, if you invite her.

She’s a narcissist who’s making your birthday all about her as she’s in competition with you and can’t stand you having a day where you’re celebrated. She’s creating drama because she wants to spoil it for you. My narcissistic mother was exactly the same. Don’t change the restaurant and don’t go to breakfast with her as this enables and fuels her behaviour.

Don’t keep trying to change your mother. She won’t change. Strengthen your boundaries! Go to the restaurant you want and she can go duck herself. I wouldn’t go for the breakfast either. I’d ignore her from now on and do things that make you happy.

All your updates give the impression you don’t like her much, why is it so important that she attends your birthday meal?
On your birthday have a meal with those you want to spend time with not those you are expected to spend time with

I also voted AIBU because you're pandering to her.
Your birthday your choice.

This. Shes such a bitch as it is (sorry but Im just being honest) that you are literally in therapy because of her. 100% do what you like on your birthday and stop inviting her to things. I have parents like your mum, finally stopped second guessing myself, went low contact and life is a lot better.

Im mid thirties

Go without her.

My mum and her OH would pull this sort of thing when we were actually out for a meal. Lots of grumbling about waiting for the food, then there's not enough, then desserts too expensive.

And this was mums present to me.

Last birthday i went out with them was a 'big' birthday of mine now 15 years ago.
I will still go out with them, but not for a supposed birthday celebration.

Come on, now …

It’s time.

Grow a backbone - she’ll probably respect you more.

YABVVVU to complain about her behaviour when you are enabling it.
Everyone has the right to a moan or a rant but not when you facilitate the behaviour by pandering to it and insisting on keeping toxic people in your life.
You need to work on building your self esteem if you want to have people like this around you, especially on your birthday. And none of this "but they're family" nonsense. You don't have to put up with anyone just because they are family. Family means nothing. It's how people treat you that counts

Go to the place you most want to go, but without her.

I wouldn't want to go with her. I'd cancel it and treat your son to a meal you'd both enjoy in a restaurant you like. It's your choice, not your mum's.

And FWIW your mum should count herself lucky you invited her and should stop thinking the world revolves around her.

Maybe some new year resolutions to live a life without her playing a big part in it should be made.

And happy birthday!

This

I have one like this. I can’t tell you the power that’s there for you to claim by saying “I’m afraid that doesn’t work for me” when they try to step over your boundaries. Try it. No explanation, not bargaining, just a no and move onto something else.

You’ve played RIGHT into her hands.
Send a text “hi mum, been thinking about it and I really fancy restaurant xx for my birthday, so decided to stick with original plan. Sorry you can’t make it. If you change your mind let me know! Love OP xx”
I bet she changes her mind last min. It’s a total power play and she’s won.

It's your birthday and to me that's a day that you do what you like and make plans that suit you. You go out with your friends, husband or who ever you want.
You asked your mother to go out for a meal and showed her the menu and prices. Straight away she had to complain about this and wants to go for a breakfast instead. My feeling is that the breakfast will be cheaper as well.

You need to remember that it's not about her, what she wants and what suits her.
I would just say that I am going to x restaurant and your welcome to come but if it does not suit you that's fine. I would not be cancelling or changing my plans for her.

One of my friends has a mother similar to yours. My friend has tried for years with her but is now stepping back. At the moment she is looking for for a job with more hours and money. She is doing this for extra income and so she won't be as available for care as her mother is now getting older. Her mother behaviour over the years has been poor and my friend has had enough. She also knows that the extra income will help her long term as well.

Do what you want and have the birthday you like with people who care about you.

She’s selfish and not a very nice person.

Enjoy your birthday however and with whoever you want to.